Adoption is an emotionally draining process for not only the parents adopting, but for the birth parents as well.
Sometimes birth parents want to make sure that part of them will remain with their kids.
Redditor Affectionate-You3642 encountered this very issue with her kids. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for changing the names of my babies?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Me (F25) and my husband H (M29) are in the process of adopting two cute little twins that will be born in January.”
“The biological mother is a young teenage girl G (F15) who doesn’t want to keep them. She’s the daughter of a friend of a friend of ours and somehow it got through that we wanted to adopt so her family called us as soon as they knew that G was pregnant.”
“We’ve been with her all her pregnancy and even if she doesn’t want to be a mother, she will still be able to visit the twins as often as she wants because we live in the same city.”
“As soon as we found out about the baby, we began looking for names and when it was confirmed that it were going to be twins, a girl and a boy, we decided on the names Ellie and Evan.”
The biological mom did not like the names.
“Last week however, we were informed that G had chosen names herself: Walter and Agnes. She didn’t choose them because of a relative, just because she thought they sounded cool.”
“I don’t think I have to mention how outdated the names are and H and I simply don’t like them.”
“But even if the names were great, they are still our babies. We will raise them. G said she never wants to visit them (although she will probably change her mind).”
“We insist on naming them. They will also get our last name and legally be our children, which was decided and agreed on five months ago.”
“G’s family is upset with us for not accepting their rEaL names and is threatening to look for new parents. Her sister told us that they are just bluffing and hoping for us to back off.”
“TLDR; I want to give my children names and the bio mother wants different names.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. This is a big red flag though. Are you sure you want to have an open adoption? If they’re willing to argue about the kids names, they’re going to be all over you about other things also.” ~ GKH
“Plus, threatening to find another family? I would absolutely do a closed adoption, or find another mother. I know how arduous the process of finding a pregnant mother is, but I wouldn’t trust this girl.” ~ ThatKaylesGuy
“Closed adoptions can be very hard for the children of adoption. Kids deserve to know where they come from and to even know the people who gave them life. There are ways to help the birth family come to terms with the adoption so that you don’t have to worry about “protecting” yourself through a closed adoption.” ~ kristimyers72
“Child of closed adoption here too! Wouldn’t have it any other way. Never had any need or desire to meet some randos who are linked to me though an accident of genetics.”
“Anecdotal, but my dear friend who was a child of open adoption has some real issues from how the parents handled it (bio mom was babysitter and fought with mom, bio mom would threaten to “take him back”, etc.) It’s up to the individuals and the situation.” ~ DelsMagicFishies
“This is unbelievably bad advice.”
“Adoption isn’t just about someone getting a baby. The birth mother matters as well. If she’s saying this is non-negotiable for her then this placement isn’t right for either of them. Her feelings and her choices matter in this far more than the potential adoptive parents do at this stage.”
“Imaging lying to a young girl in an incredibly difficult and emotional situation just so that you can ensure she gives you her children and then turning around and going back on what you said you would do. The trauma and regret involved for that girl would be devastating. Even considering this is beyond awful.” ~ brandilynn28
“NTA. If you’re adopting the kids, then you get to name them – but I will say that her choice of names might seem outdated, but those style of names are very on trend right now.” ~ alabasterasterix
“Very true. I teach a special, I get 3 year olds through 6th graders. In a sea of Coltons, I have a bunch of old lady and old man names. I have two Olivers in one class. I have a Milton. I have Henry and George. I have Henrietta and a bunch of Evelyns! I have a Myrtle coming up next year. I have a young niece named Hazel. Walter and Agnes are not going to be out of place even a little.” ~ HonPhryneFisher
“I named my son something I chose because it is traditionally Scottish and fairly uncommon. Then I turn around and it’s on the top 10 boys names for that year. I couldn’t believe my random name because so popular.”
“It drove me nuts because growing up there were always at least three other girls in my class with my name and my mom always claimed she thought it was uncommon. I thought she was full of shit until now.” ~ Music_withRocks_In
OP added some edits.
“EDIT: We are considering the name Ellie Agnes but we will not name the boy Evan Walter. We are looking for a lawyer right now and we do have everything in writing (they will become our legal children with no legal connection to G, her family and their bio dad, visitations only when H and I agree, which we are planning to do every time right now).”
“We have talked to G’s sister and she told us that G begged her parents not to look for other couples as she wants us as her babies’s parents.”
“She has been telling them that for the last few days, no idea why G’s sister didn’t tell us that before. Ellie’s full name will be Eleanor to honor H’s late sister but we will call her Ellie.”
“I will not respond to any more comments. Thank you all for your input.”
They are OP’s kids.