Whenever we’re going to a fun event, especially one to celebrate a family member, we understand it’s time to focus on the guest of honor and the event itself.
Detracting from the event with our own good news would just be tacky, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
That was why Redditor Environmental_Fee409 and their wife agreed to wait to announce their pregnancy until after their brother’s wedding day.
But when their mom was furious with them for not sharing the news with their extended family at the wedding, the Original Poster (OP) began to wonder if they were wrong to wait to share the news.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for not mentioning that my wife and I are expecting at my brother’s wedding?”
The OP was excited to see how their brother’s wedding brought the family together.
“My older brother got married last weekend. It was a huge wedding and they had guests from all over the world.”
“Not every guest was from out of town but our family is far-flung and there were guests from Denmark, Uruguay, and Australia.”
“There was a bunch of our out-of-town family from all over North America as well.”
The OP and their wife recently had some special news.
“My wife and I have been trying for a couple of years now to have a kid. Unsuccessfully, unfortunately.”
“Until now. We are on week 12 and all is good so far.”
“I was my brother’s best man and my wife did the video they played at the reception. She does that sort of thing as a hobby because she is an A/V need from back in the day.”
The OP decided to share the news after their brother’s wedding day.
“My brother and his wife had lunch with our parents and my wife and me yesterday.”
“We told them that we were expecting, and it didn’t go as we expected.”
“My dad, brother, and sister-in-law were happy for us and my mom was upset.”
“Not because we are expecting. Because we did not tell all the out-of-town family. We won’t see most of them again for years. The only reason some were able to attend the wedding was that my dad has a billion air miles.”
The family was divided on how the situation was handled.
“So my mom said that we should have let everyone know. So they could be part of our good news.”
“My brother thanked me for not overshadowing his wedding.”
“My sister-in-law called me last night to thank me because she does not want to start s**t with my mom.”
“I didn’t think it was the right thing to do but my mom makes a good point. Some of the guests won’t be back in Texas for years.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the couple that they had done the most considerate thing.
“Definitely NTA. There’s been far more drama on Reddit by people who have done, or had done to them, what your mom wanted you to do, to make the wedding all about them!”
“You didn’t, and the people who really matter, the people who were meant to be the focus of the day, were happy. That’s what matters here. The people would not have been there but for the bride and groom, and it was their day to shine.” – BefuddledPolydactyls
“Let’s be honest. Out-of-town family would rather see the baby after it’s born. Announcing the pregnancy and overshadowing the wedding would have sucked.” – PolyPolyam
“I would assume it’s best to keep something like this quiet. Plus, 12 weeks is just the end of the first trimester and lots of people choose to wait for at least that long before making announcements, ESPECIALLY if conception was difficult or there have been miscarriages.”
“It’s wild to me that mom is so upset. Definitely NTA.” – srmg925
“We didn’t make a mass announcement with our first until he was born, our second until the 3rd trimester, and our final until past 20 weeks. We got burned by telling people too early and having a miscarriage our first time.”
“I don’t know where OP’s mom gets the audacity of being upset that they didn’t share the news with dozens of people when they are likely nervous enough sharing it amongst immediate family.” – TXExpat2020
“NTA. Your mom is wrong. You absolutely made the right choice. You would have taken attention away from the couple on their wedding day. It made me happy to read that you guys are expecting after some heartbreak. Good luck.” – Floriano1991
“So NTA. You don’t announce an engagement or a baby at someone else’s wedding or reception EXCEPT if the bride and groom want you to.”
“You read the Bride and Groom correctly. They wanted their big day for everyone to focus on them…and that’s what you let them do.” – UCgirl
“I’m sorry but no, your mom does not make a good point. Everyone was there for your brother’s wedding, not your baby announcement.”
“Your brother and SIL both thanked you for not announcing at the wedding because that definitely would have been tacky and stolen their thunder. You and your wife made the right call. Unless your mom is otherwise unreasonable, she’s probably just reacting emotionally instead of thinking about it rationally since it’s rare for the whole family to be together.”
“NTA and send a fun announcement out to all family directly when you’re both ready (both as in you and wife, not you and mom).” – friendlily
Others agreed and pointed out the out-of-town family could find out another way.
“Ya know what? The out-of-town guests have email. I bet they have a phone, too, and they probably receive cards and letters, and may EVEN be on social media!”
“Out-of-towners can be updated on your happy news… after the wedding. Good for you for not stealing the spotlight.”
“Your mom is the problem here. Your brother and his wife-the people that got married are GLAD you kept your news to yourselves.”
“And good for you for not telling your mom on the down-low because it sounds like she can be difficult.”
“Take this as a lesson that you can never please everybody. But you can try to do the right thing. NTA.” – YouthNAsia63
“My brother and his kids live on another continent and we have weekly video chats. It’s really not that hard.” – CoffeeSpoons123
“NTA.”
“You were correct to not upstage the wedding. The out-of-town relatives can be informed via email, phone, video call, etc. This is what would have happened had there not been a wedding at about the right time for you to tell people, and it is fine for it to be done that way.” – poeadam
“NTA. You are absolutely correct that you shouldn’t have made that announcement at someone else’s wedding. Last I heard the internet works pretty well, and your relatives won’t need to be in Texas to find out you and your wife are expecting anyway.” – DinoSnuggler
“Who cares? A pregnancy announcement isn’t that big a deal unless it’s your very close family or very close friend. Those uncles and cousins aren’t missing out on one of life’s great experiences or anything.”
“NTA. Not just for letting your brother and sister-in-law be the center of attention for their wedding but also because no one gets to dictate when you want to share your news.” – MoreCleverUserName
Some theorized what the mother’s motivations actually were.
“Mom just wanted even more attention than simply being the mother of the groom. Throw in the first grand baby and now she’s in the spotlight instead of the bride.” – Just_Another_Name29
“Sounds like Mom wanted it more for herself than anything else.” – airborness
“Mom is upset that she didn’t get the attention for getting to be a grandma, I think. NTA OP. Absolutely the right decision here.” – bjr70
“In addition to the, ‘You DONT upstage someone’s wedding’ comments.”
“Your mom said, ‘We won’t see most of them again for years.'”
“Ask your mom if she thinks these relatives would really care if they learned your good news at the wedding or on Facebook. I would be thrilled for you either way.”
“For some reason, your mom would rather have talked about going to be a grandma at her son’s wedding than celebrating the bridal couple. That sucks. NTA.” – FitOrFat-1999
“I would only understand the mom’s point of view if the child had been born but not brought to the wedding. Yes of course they would have loved the opportunity to meet the new addition, but it’s completely unnecessary to hear about the pregnancy in person.” – JustPassingBy1349
“NTA.”
“Will this be the first grandbaby? Mom sounds like she wanted more than Mother of the Groom’s attention. Maybe she wanted to be given grandma’s attention and congrats. If so, the best interests of your brother/SIL are greater than those of just your mom.”
“Be careful with your mom going forward. If she can discard the best interests of your brother/SIL, she might be an overbearing Grandma. Keep an eye on her and make sure you and your wife have some boundaries discussed and agreed upon before in case she does start to overstep.”
“Apologies if your mom is a wonderful mom and just got carried away. The next few months will be very telling. Keep your eyes wide open.” – YeeHawMiMaw
The subReddit praised the OP and their wife for making the decision to wait to share their happy news until after their siblings’ special day, so as to not overshadow their good news.
While the mother may have wanted to share the news with the family while they were in town, some Redditors thought it was much more likely for the mom to want to be put in the spotlight with being a Grandmother, rather than “just” the Mother of the Groom, and that motivation said much more about her than about the OP.