It can be difficult not to take it personally when a friend, family member or colleague doesn't attend a party or gathering you host.
More often than not, their absence is in no way an act of malice, but purely a scheduling conflict which made it impossible to attend.
But that won't stop some people from worrying that people might have declined the invite because they were mad at them or didn't like them, and others from simply taking offense regardless of the reasons why.
Having attended an annual celebration of their colleague's for the past several years, Redditor PinkSteven decided this might be the year they could skip, and celebrate a different, slightly more personal occasion.
But the original poster (OP's colleague was not at all pleased that they wouldn't be there, and wasn't afraid to express how hurt they would be by their absence.
Wondering if they were being insensitive to their colleague, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not consoling my coworker and explaining why I've decided to miss the anniversary of their sobriety?"
In a short and concise post, the OP explained why they chose to skip the annual celebration of their colleague's major life milestone this year.
"Every year on August 30th my co-worker makes a big deal to inform everyone, staff and clients, that they've been sober from drug use for another year."
"This year is year 27 and that's a big accomplishment."
"This coworker has a lot of feelings and is prone to think that a person is acting in response to them, often perceiving rejection, crying and self isolating until consoled."
"I took August 30th off this year not because I didn't want to be part of their self accolades or because I don't think that it's important, but because each year their verboseness overshadows my actual birthday which shares the exact day."
"I haven't gotten a 'happy birthday' from a coworker that wasn't immediately interjected by their notation of their sobriety in the last 9 years of working together."
"This coworker found out I wouldn't be in the office on the 30th and is now saying I don't support them."
"We have worked together 9 years and they still don't remember that the two event share a day."
"So I don't feel like I need to explain why I'm taking the day off."
"I'm not the type to shout my important events to the world and, honestly, I would rather be in a place where I can just celebrate a day that is special to me without constant interjection."
"AITA for not consoling my coworker and explaining why I've decided to miss the anniversary of their sobriety?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP had every right to skip her colleague's celebration and celebrate their birthday.
While everyone acknowledged that the sobriety of the OP's colleague was, indeed, a notable accomplishment, they took the OP's decision to skip the party too personally, with many wondering if it was even appropriate to be celebrating it in the office.
"It's a great accomplishment but if they're seeking validation from EVERY coworker, they need to go back to their steps."
"They might be sober, but they ain't in recovery."
"NTA."- TheDrunkScientist
"NTA."
"You don't owe anyone an explanation for taking time off."
"Enjoy your birthday!"- onablanketwithmybaby
"NTA."
"You all are at work."
"Sobriety for drug user is a great, non-work-related achievement, and you're under no obligations to celebrate it."
"Again."- napoleon_1066
"NTA."
"It sounds like this person is addicted to the narcissistic demand that people celebrate their sobriety."- Nathan_Poe
"NTA."
"I think at this point your coworker needs to be told to just stop with the yearly update."
"HR needs to get involved."- Smudgikins
"NTA,"
"Tell them you taking off for your birthday has absolutely zero to do with them and their sobriety."
"Tell them support goes two ways and they aren't supporting you and your choices either!"-Embarrassed_Hat_2904
"NTA there's a line between acknowledging your accomplishments and being an asshole, your coworker has not found this line yet."- hobitoftheshire
"NTA."
"Coworkers are not necessarily friends."
"Sometimes they are, but some people prefer to keep the relationship as 'people I work with'."
"Both are fine."
"This person is not your friend."
"You can tell because friends remember each other's birthdays, but coworkers aren't necessarily involved enough with each other to do so without an office reminder."
"This person is your coworker only, and you have no obligation to explain to them why you are taking vacation when you are."
"I don't explain my vacations to my coworkers either."
"I just take them."
"Honestly, this person sounds immensely self-centered with an incredibly need for attention from everyone."
"But that's not your problem."
"I honestly wouldn't even indulge them by commenting on it or trying to explain it at all."
"They'll just turn it into something they can use to get attention."
"I would just keep it at 'I am going to be out of the office that day'."
"And hold the line that you don't owe them any explanation for why you take vacation."-Meemaws_BearCheese
"NTA."
"27 years of sobriety is a wonderful accomplishment, but not something that everyone in the world has to stop what they're doing to acknowledge."- NUT-me-SHELL
"NTA."
"Your coworker needs a serious reality check."
"If they bring it up again say, 'when I choose to take time off from work has nothing to do with you'.
"'I am happy that you have remained sober, but that does not mean I need to schedule my work or home life around your sobriety anniversary'."
"If they continue to give you a hard time, go to HR."- Forward_Squirrel8879
"NTA."
"Your co-worker is self-centered and ridiculous."
"Your life doesn't and shouldn't revolve around them."
:They sound like they still have serious issues which they should be seeking therapy/counseling for."
"It actually sounds like that traded drug use for narcissism."- MadamPond
"NTA."
"Your coworker is being unprofessional and needs to calm the f*ck down."- CygnusSong
"NTA."
"And your coworker's behavior is more than a little unprofessional."
"The fact that you felt the need to take an entire day off to get away from it says it all."
"And that you're evidently being given crap for doing so nails it home."
"It wouldn't be at all inappropriate for you to take this to HR if you felt like it."- Veissella
"NTA."
"Your presence at work doesn't obligate you to be a cheerleader."
"Even if it weren't your birthday, NTA."- Result_Training
"NTA."
"Enjoy your day and tell your coworker you're taking the day off to celebrate your birthday."-SeaWitch1031
"27 years is no longer, in my opinion, a huge accomplishment."
"27 years is probably half their life or more."
"If after 27 years they are still fighting to stay clean they need help."
"Major major help that atta boy/girl/other won't accomplish."
"Before anyone comes at me, I have been sober approximately 27ish years?"
"Maybe more?"
"It isn't something I celebrated after about 10 years."
"If I can make it that long I have it beat."
"I literally would have to pull out a calculator and a calendar to determine how long I have been clean.'
"But I know the 25th of August is the anniversary."
"27 years clean they should be at a point in their life that they aren't even exposed to drugs and how easy is it to be around casual drinkers and say no thanks?"
"At this point- 27 years clean, it is just your normal life."
"That is probable twice as long as they were using/abusing."- Spirited_Bill_8947
"NTA."
"I'm sober, and have been for years, and this rings really hollow for me what they're doing."
"It's performative at best."
"Yeah, we make a big fucking deal out of it in the rooms, with our family and our friends, but at work and clients?!"
"Jesus, no."- TaxisKellOfIRS
"Oh dear god."
"The world does not revolve around them."
"NTA."
"This is workplace harassment."
"Make an anonymous complaint to your HR dept."
"Don't mention your bday, keep out all details that could identify you."
"And be very clear & honest about their behavior, like your first paragraph up until your bday."
"This sort of behavior absolutely would not fly at any company I've worked at."- FlyAwayJai
"NTA."
"But, Be Blunt."
"Be open and tell them It Happens to Be Your Birthday."
"Which gets Over Shadowed Every year in support of Their making Good decisions for another year."
"So you've decided to take the day off and Celebrate your day."
"I'm the Adult child of a Alcoholic."
"He's been sober 40 years."
"His anniversary has always been celebrated at meetings."
"Not at work."- Dvilindskys
Sustaining one's sobriety is no easy task, and the OP's colleague should, indeed, be congratulated.
And one could imagine that their own insecurities might be the reason they take one declined invitation so personally.
But hopefully they'll realize soon enough that the OP's desire to celebrate their birthday in no way meant they didn't support their journey.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.