There are certain things we all want in life that we would practically do anything to get.
But when that goal involves another person, we also need to respect their wishes, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwawayCo79 realized her new coworker was not going to take no for an answer when he kept pursuing her and accused her of lying about her relationship status.
But when her coworkers even said she was partially to blame for the attention, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure how to proceed.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not wearing a wedding ring and making my coworker think I'm single?"
The OP received more attention than she was comfortable with from one coworker.
"I (30 Female) started working at a company recently. I get along with most of my coworkers but have been having some issues with this guy, 'Morgan.'"
"Morgan, from what I understand, is what everyone calls 'the handsome guy' in the office. He dated two of his coworkers and hit on several others."
"He seemed friendly when we first talked, and he seemed respectable and never asked questions outside of work."
"He offered to buy me lunch, and he also connected with me on the internet and kept sending me funny memes and stuff."
"It was nice but felt like a bit too much, so I asked that he stop, and he did."
Though she asked him to stop, his behavior escalated.
"He started sending me pics of him that were inappropriate."
"I texted him, saying that I'm married and he was being inappropriate."
"He texted back, saying I was lying about being married to get him off my back."
"He then went on about how nice and attractive he is, and how I'm trying to act like I don't like him to get him to try harder."
"I felt frustrated, especially after he kept sending me pics. Days ago, he sent me a d**k pic and told me to 'Suck it.'"
"I decided to let my husband deal with it. He sent Morgan a text back, saying, 'Sorry bud, small objects are a choking hazard for her,' and then blocked him."
This led to an argument at work.
"The other day, he came into the office, looking furious, and 'confronted' me about misleading him by not having a wedding ring on when I'm married (I don't always wear it because of skin problems)."
"I said I didn't need to prove anything to anybody and didn't lead anyone on."
"He said he was trying to get close to me and I should've told him I'm married from the get-go."
"I said I was sorry but maybe he shouldn't have basically tried to enforce a relationship with anyone, regardless if they're in a relationship or not."
"He said that my husband and I were rude and offensive, and then he rushed out."
There was a rift among the coworkers.
"Other coworkers said Morgan was an a**hole but that I too bare the blame for not having my wedding ring on and being somewhat misleading."
"I said I don't think I owe anyone an explanation and refused to apologize for what happened just to keep the peace in the office."
"AITA really for not wearing my wedding ring?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought Morgan's behavior was disgusting and sexist.
"The two coworkers he dated honestly probably did it solely to get him to stop the pursuit. Disgusting, all these poor women having to be around him."
"OP, you are lightyears away from being TA." - eggrollin2200
"You don't need a d**n wedding ring for him to be out of line. YOU TOLD HIM TO BACK OFF. That should have been enough."
"Imagine if you were single and just uninterested in him... Would that make his behavior acceptable? ABSOLUTELY NOT." - Crastin8
"NTA. Honestly, this guy sounds like a sexual harassment lawsuit just waiting to happen. I'd report the whole history to HR. Even though you've already dealt with it, the guy seems to have a history of making unwanted advances to women."
"By the way, it isn't a person's responsibility to broadcast to the office that they are married and no longer part of the dating pool; it's their potential suitor's responsibility to be sure that the people he's trying to date are actually interested."
"In this story, the woman was the target of the unwanted advances and the man was the aggressor, but the rule applies to everyone. Make 10000% sure that someone is interested in your advances BEFORE you make them." - Throw77away77name
"NTA."
"The guy would be an AH even if you were single, because it's not like you must date whoever hits on you just because you aren't taken. It does not matter if you are married or not, and it's not your responsibility to broadcast your relationship status, because you said NO, making it irrelevant."
"Report him to HR for sexual harassment, choking hazard included."
"Depending on the country, his behavior may even be a police case. If yes, do that." - tatasz
"He is saying he might have respected another man claiming you as his personal property if he had stamped his mark on you clearly enough, but he wouldn't in a million years respect your rights as an autonomous human being just because you don't pee standing up." - Signal-Television510
"NTA."
"If he thought you 'were lying about being married to get him off your back' why on earth would he keep pushing??"
"The issue isn't that you pretended to not be married (which you didn't even do!!) but that he can't take no for an answer."
"Whether you are married or not, how he acted is completely inappropriate!" - Jemma_2
"What the h**l is wrong with the coworkers?"
"This player makes the rounds with multiple coworkers."
"He goes after the new person. The new person says, hey dude, not interested."
"He stops for a hot minute, but then starts up again. The new person says, hey dude, I said not interested, here's more info, I'm married."
"Then he claims she's lying?!? And continues to harass her and sends hotdogs."
"The coworkers... obviously, it's all your fault, and you can't blame him because he didn't see the claim stake."
"What universe are we in?"
"OP, please go to HR. He's done this to multiple women, and obviously, everyone else at this workplace is too unprofessional to get why this is a problem." - wildeflowers
Others agreed and urged the OP to report what happened to Human Resources (HR).
"NTA. Immediately go to HR with this."
"He is sexually harassing you at the workplace, and the excuse that 'I wouldn't have harassed you if I knew your vagina was claimed by a different man' is disgusting." - UsernameTaken93456
"I've been worn down like this before whether it's agreeing to a date or even just giving my number to someone because they wouldn't back off. Men like that know exactly what they're doing and his treatment of OP makes it obvious this isn't his first go at sexually harassing a woman, whether it's just in this workplace or anywhere else."
"This 'handsome guy in the office' is literally just a predatory guy in the office and needs to be reported to HR immediately." - BlazingApp965
"You have received an unsolicited hot dog pic from a coworker and peer. This is not acceptable."
"Take that pic right to HR. Your office is not Tinder." - stellablue925
"He didn't know she was OWNED by another man, because she didn't wear her WEDDING SHACKLE to prove she is no longer OBTAINABLE."
"Her saying NO didn't matter, because as we all know, women do not have agency and are all lying snakes until they are CAPTURED and TURNED INTO well-mannered women."
"NTA, as soon as she asked him not to and he refused he became TA."
"Go to HR about him, as well as any coworker who essentially victim-blamed you." - Eveanon
"NTA."
"Go to HR. What Morgan was doing to you would be considered sexual harassment, especially with sending inappropriate texts. Even if you weren't married, you told him you weren't interested, and yet he persisted anyway."
"Also, a 'nice' guy doesn't have to preach how nice he is. It's in his actions."
"Also, it's your and your partner's business whether you wear your ring or not."
"Your husband's a real one for replying to him after Morgan sent you an unsolicited d**k pic." - ElevatorOk8601
"NTA. Is he f**king kidding? He said YOU were rude and offensive after he sent you (a colleague) a disgusting picture of his d**k unrequested and told you to suck it?"
"Wow, this has made my day. Some people live in a crazy world in their heads, don't they?"
"That's grounds for sexual harassment in the office, dismissal, and a lawsuit. What a prick."
"And no, you are not leading anyone on in the workplace by not wearing your wedding ring. How ridiculous. Just like the girl in the skirt is 'leading her rapist to believe she wants sex.' Ch**st. Go to HR."
"By the way, your husband is an absolute LEGEND." - bunkbedgirl1989
"NTA. GO TO HR IMMEDIATELY and keep a record of everything he has sent you so you can show them."
"It p**ses me off that people don't respect your boundaries when you say you're not interested, as if the only reason they would stop is that another man has 'claimed' you, like we're property."
"He needs to learn his lesson. Please update us after you go to HR." - bettleheimderks
The subReddit was disturbed by Morgan's persistence, as well as the OP's coworkers' reactions, accusing her of partially leading him by not wearing her ring.
Hopefully reaching out to her boss or Human Resources would lead to a serious improvement in the OP's workplace instead of further hardships.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.