A question that parents need to ask themselves is what they owe to other parents. Obviously, you should keep another parent's child safe, as you would want them to keep yours safe, but where is the line drawn?
Redditor Dismal-Awareness9456 asks that after another dad got upset with him. The original poster (OP) tried to respect his coworker's son's wishes, but didn't consider how his coworker would react.
OP is wondering if he was wrong for what he did, and took his situation to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
There he asked the question:
"AITA for not telling my coworker that his son is gay?"
OP got in this situation on accident:
"I'm a single dad with two boys Sam(15M[ale]) and José (12M). I moved to this town for work when the boys were 10 and 7."
"Both boys quickly made friends with my coworkers son Byron(16M) that also lives in the same neighborhood. Sam and Byron got especially close after they started highschool and joined the football team together."
"I accidentally found out Sam and Byron are gay and together when I came home from work early 2 months ago and José was inside watching TV alone. I asked where the other boys were at and he told me out back on the porch swing studying plays."
"I went out back to check on them and caught them cuddling with each other. Both boys freaked out and Byron begged me not to tell his dad who's not a very progressive guy."
"I told both boys it was fine, but that Byron couldn't come over like that anymore unless I'm home from now on."
"Fast forward to Saturday and Sam was hanging out at Byron's house, I get a call that afternoon from Byron's dad screaming about how he caught the boys kissing in Byron's room. I rushed over to pick up Sam and tried to calm Byron's dad down and tell him it's OK and that the boys weren't doing anything wrong."
"He figured out I already knew by how calm I was about it and I didn't deny it. He's yelling about how I should have told him that they were together and that Byron was 'that way' and he could have 'handled it'."
"I get him to calm down some and me and Sam leave. Today at work he confronts me about it and tells me it was inappropriate for me to be keeping secrets with his son away from him and that I should tell him everything from now on. AITA here?"
OP didn't think about how his coworker would react in this situation. At the same time, he tried to respect Byron's situation.
Whether or not this made OP wrong was determined by Redditors including one of the following in their comments:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP handled his own son's unintentional outing as best he could. He made his choice based on the information.
It wasn't his place to out Byron. If the boy had felt comfortable, he could tell his dad himself.
OP didn't have to tell his coworker anything Byron wasn't ready for.
"NTA. Byron wasn't in any danger that could only be resolved by outing him, so there was zero reason for you to tell his father. In fact, it seems like he's in more danger being out given how his dad reacted." - 0biterdicta
"NTA, you really should not tell anyone that someone else is gay if they are not open about it yet, they may not feel comfortable or safe and may worry about something like this happening when the parent reacts in that way." – liiyah
"Exactly. Coming from a gay guy himself, I would be mortified if someone told my parents I'm gay without me telling them first."
"I'm still not out to them, and I don't know if I ever will be. But if I do come out, I want it to be on my terms." - Yenserl6099
However, there are reasons OP was wrong. While it might seem understandable to some that OP put a limit on the boys hanging out at their house unsupervised, it was this very limitation that led to them getting caught and outed.
Byron was afraid of his dad finding out, and with seemingly good reason.
Commenters agreed that OP should protect Byron if he can.
"NTA, It is not your place to out another person, in almost any circumstance. It is an important moment in a persons life."
"Now, add in the fact that this child specifically asked you not to reveal this to his father and its really not your place. You were made aware that this isnt something this person feels they can share with their father, and it wasnt going to harm anyone by just keeping this to yourself, therefore, you did the right thing."
"If you can, Please check on Byron. His father does not appear to be someone who would be supportive of his gay son and now his son may be in danger. He needs to know there are adults that still support and care for him should this go south. "
"If you can, you may want to look out for that." - AcceptableHome3
"NTA"
"but that 'handled it' comment really really has me concerned, keep an eye out for the kid to make sure his dad does not go abusive, or have other people keep an eye out" - Nalpona_Freesun
"NTA"
"It's not your place to tell his dad that his son is gay. Obviously the way that Byron's dad found out is less than ideal, but regardless, it wouldn't be your place."
"Good on you for protecting Byron's secret. I wish I could have a dad like you." - Yenserl6099
"NTA, it's none of the dad's business."
"As a side note, I think it's pretty silly that your reaction to their being together was to disallow them from spending time alone together. They're going to find somewhere for intimate activities, may as well be in a safe place." – Esosorum
"Yes. I'm sorry if I sound hard but OP is a bit at fault for Byron's dad discovering their relationship and the consecuences seem to be on their way (Byron's dad beating him, not allowing them to see again, moving away, sending Byron to some kind of disciplinary camp/conversion therapy, outing them both to the area...)."
"I think a bit of teenagers being touchy under OP house was worth avoiding the possibly very bad stuff that will come. At minimum for Byron, but OP son cares about him so it will be hard for the son too."
"If not people coming for OP son, bc the bf's dad might start harassing him or making him a target for the bullies." – KaiBifidus
The effect of all this remains to be seen. OP didn't out the boy, but by limiting where they could be together, he did put them in this situation.
The best thing OP can do is try to keep aware of how Byron's father treats him going forward and protect the boy if he can.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.