Raising a toddler is no easy feat. Recently Redditor Dat1payne and her husband ran into some issues regarding theirs.
The Original Poster (OP)’s toddler is a bit clumsy (as all toddlers are), but when her husband hears their little one tumble down, he immediately assumes his wife has dropped her.
This has frustrated the OP, causing a large reaction.
Now the OP is turning to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for feedback.
She asked:
“AITA for my reaction to my husband accusing me of dropping my baby”
She went on to explain:
“AITA for being upset my husband always assumes I hurt my baby?”
“I was washing my 21-month-old’s hands. I sent her down to go play, and she immediately tripped and fell. My husband heard her fall, jumped up, and angrily yelled at me ‘did you drop her, Dude?!?’.”
“I tell him of course not and to shut the f*ck up because every time she is clumsy he assumes I did something to hurt her. Which to me is ridiculous.”
“I pick up my toddler and we go into the bedroom to play.”
“He follows me into the bedroom and starts telling me about why it was a reasonable assumption and how it is my fault if she trips when I’m watching her.”
“I tell him that is unreasonable, she is a toddler and they are not coordinated yet, I can’t control her every move.”
“He asks why I’m mad and I start explaining that a reasonable response to her falling would be ‘is she okay’ not assuming your wife did something to hurt your toddler.”
“He cuts me off mid sentence and says ‘please stop talking to me’ which makes me more mad. I gather her and my stuff and we leave to the living room.”
“He asked why I was leaving the room, and I told him why I would want to be in a room with a man who asked me not to talk.”
“He says ‘I didn’t say for you not to talk, I asked you to stop talking to me. It’s different.’ At this point, I’m fuming.”
“My husband assumes the worst about me every time and is saying it’s my fault my toddler occasionally trips on herself.”
“And then acts like I’m unreasonable for being mad, and when I try to express that anger by explaining why that is unreasonable…”
“…he acts like he is some calm guy and asks me to stop talking to him. The rest of the night, he acts like nothing happened and says I am an AH for not wanting to cuddle and hang out with him.”
“AMITA for getting mad and telling him to shut the f*ck up or is he the AH for asking me if I dropped her and then not letting me explain why I was mad?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“I would find this to be insufferable. He is treating you as if you are neglectful or incompetent as a mother.”
“Also, telling you not to talk (never mind his ‘it’s different’ that is a nonsense distinction) is controlling.”
“The origin may be anxiety on his part but I’m not sure it matters, what matters is that he’s created in his mind this view of various parenting situations…”
“…whereby you are neglectful or incompetent, and by refusing to hear any different, he’s trying to cement his view as the real one.”
“This is problematic for you because if he communicates this view (that you are an unsafe mother) outside the family it could be destructive to your reputation.”
“One way to deal with this would be couples therapy. This would be a way for him to have a reality check outside the bubble of the marriage.”
“Or, if he refuses, then individual therapy for yourself. You might need it documented on paper that you are a competent and caring mother.”
“You are NTA but you need to remain calm in discussions with him. Losing your cool and cussing him out is not a good dynamic.”
“I think it will be easier for you to remain calm if you have professional support outside of your husband to validate your abilities as a mother…”
“…and to help you hold on to reality when your husband is repeatedly claiming you did things that you didn’t do.” – Reasonable-Sale8611
“NTA. It sounds like he’s got some serious anxiety and doesn’t realize that babies get hurt constantly through their own poorly coordinated actions.”
“I’d assume that in his family, children are basically raised in a bubble, and so to him, it’s shocking that you’re just allowing the baby to baby.”
“It seems like you’re both experiencing some issues that might best be resolved by talking to a therapist together.”
“You’re snippy and nasty with each other, and that’s far less healthy than a baby bumping themselves.” – BrewertonFats
“NTA but you guys should probably consider getting into counseling asap before your child gets any older.”
“You’re her primary caregiver while he’s pretty hands-off, but at the same time, he doesn’t trust you with her. This is likely to escalate to him undermining everything you say or do with your child.”
“He’s also driving you slowly insane. Kudos to you for holding your ground and remaining confident in your abilities because plenty of people would eventually start second-guessing themselves.”
“Remember that your relationship is on display for your child as she grows.”
“You wouldn’t want her learning from you that it’s acceptable to stay with a man who thinks the worst of her…”
“…constantly criticizes her, and then gaslights her when she sticks up for herself.” – Existing_Fox_6317
“NTA. It seems very extreme that when a toddler falls (which is common), the conclusion he leaps to is that you dropped or tripped her.”
“And what does ‘I didn’t tell you to stop talking, I told you to stop talking to me’ even mean? He thinks you should converse with the toddler?” – Ok_hon
“I tjink nta. Does he ever spend time alone with the baby? Sound like he needs some practical experience.”
“Its a good reminder that being married doesn’t guarantee that dad won’t be TA.” – Desperate-Laugh-7257
“In a functional relationship, you have an assumption of good faith.”
“Even if she was with a stranger, unless there were prejudice involved no reasonable parent would have reacted that way.”
“What we have here is the assumption of bad faith – you are trusted less than a stranger is. We don’t know what caused this, but a relationship cannot survive like this.”
“If you want the relationship to survive, you need to implement some drastic changes.”
“NTA” – Appropriate-Draft-91
“NTA.”
“I don’t want to make assumptions/jump to conclusions based on one post about one incident, but the way he speaks to you alarms me…”
“…especially since you indicate that it’s not an unusual thing for him to do. It feels manipulative, even abusive to me…”
“…trying to make you believe that you are a danger to your child is just very concerning, and it makes me wonder what else he may be doing.”
“I’m going to link you to a free ebook called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, and ask you to at least start reading it. If it fits your situation, I think you’ll know pretty quickly.” – irowells1892
“NTA but this guy is sending out HUGE red flags. I’d be on guard. Therapy if he’ll go, but sounds like he’s setting you up for something else.”
“Either leaving and trying for full custody. Or something more sinister like checking your breaks on your car. Be careful OP” – One-Bobcat-5762
“Daycare workers here and toddlers literally trip all the time; they are basically clumsy little drunks, and it’s just inevitable to happen.”
“I feel like above the issue that he doesn’t understand child development, he doesn’t seem to respect you whatsoever.”
“I honestly would have lost it if I were you, and you don’t deserve to be treated like a bad/negligent parent.” – Mos_Steff
“NTA. He is berating and gaslighting you… in front of your kid. I would start to document.”
“I’m not saying you two will split or any allegations will come up, but if my husband reacted that way each time our UNCOORDINATED TOODLER tripped…”
“…I would keep a word doc and just document the incident, what happened, what was said and the date and time.”
“I would also recommend some counseling. He seems very on edge, and this isn’t healthy for a toddler.”
“Your child will trip and fall. They need to learn to get back up and keep pushing. Your husband needs to learn that your child will get hurt but that a part of their learning is getting right back up.”
“You don’t want this to escalate to your child getting a scrape in school and he’s causing a stink. Don’t wind up as tHaT FaMiLy.” – mistefmisdononm
Red flags abound.