Parenting with stepparents takes a delicate balance.
Trying to even out the hierarchy is never easy.
And sometimes parents are going to come to blows.
One just hopes it’s never a debate involving intolerance.
Case in point…
Redditor supersecret235 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not treating my wife like an equal parent by telling her she has no say in the way I bond with my son and also calling her homophobic?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“When I (37 M[ale) was 17 I got my then-girlfriend (16) pregnant with twin boys.”
“Her parents didn’t want the babies to ‘ruin’ her future so they said that I had to either take them or give them up for adoption because she was not raising them.”
“I wanted to give them up but my parents told me not to.”
“For the first seven years of my boys’ lives, I didn’t act like a father and was more like a big brother.”
“They knew I was their father though, but we never bonded like father-sons.”
“When I was ready to move out, I wanted to do it without them but my dad let me know it was my responsibility.”
“So I had to take them (I didn’t want it at first but I’m glad it happened).”
“We started bonding as father-sons.”
“I started loving them and their love for me increased.”
“I remember the three of us would sit on the couch to watch movies, one would sit on my left and one on my right while I wrapped my arms around them, they’d put their heads on my chest and I often kissed their forehead.”
“We’ve been doing this since they were seven.”
“I met my current wife, 5 years ago, (my kids were 15) we married 3 years ago after we welcomed our daughter (4 F[emale]).”
“She saw me doing this with my kids when we watched movies and she never said anything.”
“My kids are no longer living with us because they left for college.”
“But they come to see me every now and then.”
“My boys are 20 now but they still like to put their heads on my chest while I wrap my arms around them, they do it every time they visit and I’m watching TV.”
“My son, Liam visited me 2 weeks ago, he came out to me as gay and introduced me to his B[oy]F[riend].”
“I don’t care how my kids live their sexuality or who they love, I love them no matter what.”
“I just want them to be happy and I don’t feel any different.”
“And it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable to hug him or kiss his forehead.”
“But it seems that my wife is a little uncomfortable.”
“My son visited me again last Wednesday.”
“Since he was here 2 weeks ago, so the first time ‘officially out.'”
“I was watching ‘Red’ with my daughter (she was on my left) then my son Liam arrived.”
“He was tired and sat on my right, put his head on my shoulder while I wrap my arm around him, then I kissed his forehead and said, ‘Good to have you back buddy.'”
“We went to sleep and the next day my wife told me that It made her feel uncomfortable (me hugging and kissing my son).”
“And she asked me not to do it again.”
“While she doesn’t mind me doing it with Lucas (my other son, straight) she doesn’t want me to do it with Liam.”
“I told her that she has no business being in my relationship with my sons.”
“I also called her homophobic.”
“She accused me of not treating her like an equal parent, (to my sons) thus I said ‘that’s ok because you are not.'”
“My brother says I should understand because this is a big ‘change’ for her (a son coming out).”
“But I seriously think there is nothing to get ‘used to’ this isn’t neither her nor my problem with who my son loves.”
“Am I in the wrong?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. She is being homophobic”
“The world needs more dads like you.” ~ adrianosm_
“So let me break down this opinion from the wife.”
“If she had a boy who is straight, then it would be a bad idea for HER to kiss his forehead and hug him?”
“Because he might get the hots for his mom?”
“What universe does this woman live in?”
“Is her last name Duggar or something?” ~ gordito_delgado
“OP made it clear wife was fine with him being affectionate to his straight son but not his gay one.”
“It’s malicious and homophobic, make no mistake.”
“He needs to make it incredibly clear he won’t tolerate it.” ~ Zealousideal-Log-152
“People are so weird about sexuality, especially about gay males.”
“For a dad to cut off physical affection with one but not the other?”
“The wife has instantly sexualized that son in a relationship which isn’t sexual and has never been sexual.”
“Twisted thinking, and so fearful. NTA.” ~ CymraegAmerican
“Ugh, yeah that’s what’s getting me.”
“I don’t get how she thinks it’s normal to sexualize his relationship with one child just because he’s gay.”
“Will she feel the same way about his relationship with their daughter when she’s older if she’s straight?”
“Or if she’s a lesbian, does the mom now not get to hug and kiss her?”
“It’s so weird.”
“Why do people insist on sexualizing normal relationships/situations?”
“OP sounds like he’s a great dad, and his sons are lucky to have him.”
“I hope he continues to stand up to her homophobia.” ~ LadyEsinni
“NTA. He was gay all those times that you showed him affection when he was young.”
“Nothing changed.”
“Bravo on you for being an amazing parent.”
“Be sure to continue to protect your son from her.”
“You can bet that she either is or will display other homophobic micro-aggressions toward your son.”
‘People will look you dead in the eyes and tell them that they aren’t homophobic and do things that they are only doing because they know someone’s gay.”
“While I personally wouldn’t let her near my children anymore after this, if you do, keep an eye on ‘protecting’ behaviors where she now treats your heterosexual son differently as well, by trying to split, divide, or focus on one more than the other.”
“I’m not saying it will happen, but micro-aggression is a whole thing.” ~ Appropriate_Pressure
“Hey OP, what happened to the mother of your twins?”
“Does she stay in contact?” ~ TJ12-_-
OP responded…
“Well, it’s a long story but I’ll try to sum up.”
“As she was a minor and the babies weren’t given up for adoption, her parents paid child support for around 7 years.”
“She could finish high school and college though.”
“After she finished college and got her first job, she started paying child support herself.”
“She often asked me about the kids but was too ashamed to visit them (her words).”
“But she could finally meet them when my boys were around 14, they have been building a relationship since.”
Reddit continued…
“My birth mom talked me out of being affectionate from the time I hit puberty to around 16.”
“One day after having moved out of my mom’s house and full time with my dad, dad hugged me and kissed my forehead and it was like this weird awkward shell I’d put around me was gone.”
“Now any time i’m visiting my parents, I hug him, lean on him, and enjoy the reassuring forehead kisses before my drive back out of state.”
“OP sounds just like my dad, so NTA for sure.” ~ chichalala
“He should ask her if, as a female heterosexual person, she can feel some kind of sexual attraction towards her father/brother/uncle/grandpa and if she would feel aroused by watching a movie while resting in his chest.”
“Is the same, you will always see your family as family (except in Alabama). NTA.” ~ Sotarina
“Yeah, the wife is definitely being homophobic, and it’s kind of gross that she is alluding to incest or something.”
“And how would that make the son feel if he all of a sudden stops showing affection, right after he came out as gay??”
“OP brother also sounds ridiculous.”
“Neither one of them has the right to dictate his parental relationship with his kids.”
“I’d honestly be pissed at the wife.” ~ BrownEyedGurl1
“Man, I love the first three paragraphs of this post.”
“Your parents really did right by you, and in turn, you ultimately did right by your boys.”
“Current wife’s a problem though.”
“First, she’s not an equal parent when it comes to your boys.”
“They’re yours, not hers, and were already teenagers by the time she showed up.”
“She doesn’t really get a say in how you bond with them, at all.
“Second, she is indeed a homophobe.”
“There’s nothing wrong with a father kissing and hugging his son, of course, but that she needs to make it about one of your boy’s orientations is just revolting.”
“NTA, a million times over.” ~ Zazzog
Well OP, Reddit is behind you.
Sounds like you have the dad thing down pretty well.
It also sounds like it’s time for a serious sit-down with the wife.
Therapy maybe be necessary.
Good luck.