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Dad Called Out For Financing Fiancée’s IVF Treatment Instead Of Buying Daughter A New Laptop

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When a marriage ends, most people would not expect the former spouse to remain single forever. Instead, they’ll likely go on to find a new partner and possibly even start a second, or blended, family.

But there’s always a chance that not everyone in the family will support that, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.

Redditor __belvita__ began to wonder if that’s how his 22-year-old was feeling when she began to complain about seemingly insignificant things while he was focusing on In-vitro Fertilization (IVF) treatments.

As her complaints continued, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was in the wrong.

He asked the sub:

“AITA for paying for my fiancée’s IVF treatment instead of putting money towards my daughter?”

The OP decided to pay for IVF treatments for his fiancée.

“I am (46 [Male]) and am currently engaged to Mary (38 [Female]).”

“She is a wonderful woman, intelligent and kind, and she is the woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

“We have both agreed that we want to raise a child together, but have found out that Mary is infertile and decided to try IVF.”

“IVF costs around 12,000 dollars, maybe more. But we’ve both agreed that it’s worth every penny if it means a child.”

The OP also had three biological children prior to this relationship.

“I have three children of my own, who are aged (22 [Female], 17 [Male], and 8 [Male]).”

“For the most part, Mary and my kids are very close and have found a common ground between them.”

The OP’s daughter took issue with the IVF treatment plan.

“My daughter doesn’t have an issue with Mary and me having kids, but she is angry that I’m paying for the treatment.”

“She has made several statements regarding how, some of the time, treatment doesn’t even work, that we’re ‘wasting our money,’ and she’s especially angry that I’m spending the money on Mary.”

“My daughter has had the same laptop for the past two years, although it’s in fairly good condition, she wants a new one and says the money should go towards that, or to a newer house, or to her college fund, instead of something that might not even work.”

“We’ve gotten into several arguments where my daughter has called me an a**hole for doing this.”

“I’m worried that if I choose one side over the other that I’ll permanently fracture a precious relationship.”

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some said the daughter sounded incredibly entitled.

“Honestly, it’s nobody’s place to have an opinion on this but the OP and his wife.”

“She has no grounds to be mad because it has nothing to do with her. She’s just mad that’s she has to do what adults do and work for what she wants instead of taking the easy way out and reaching for daddy’s pocketbook.”

“It sounds like he can definitely afford to have another child on top of the ones he already has.”

“And while he has 3 kids, his wife has zero biological children. If she wants to experience motherhood from the beginning, then she is well within her rights to do so, especially since she’s doing so with the money she and her husband earned, money that was never promised to anyone else.”

“Why should she have to sacrifice her dream of having biological children because OP’s daughter doesn’t wanna do the work and earn the money she needs to replace a laptop that doesn’t even need to be replaced?”Psychological_Cod727

“NTA, but also confused about why your daughter is even privy to your personal financial choices. She’s an adult and should figure out how to get her own laptop. Your choice in trying to have another child with your current partner shouldn’t be something she has an opinion about.”PaigeTurner2

“She is a 22-year-old adult. She also would like the money to go to a new computer (just for her) a new house (she can continue to live at home) and doesn’t want any money to go to his wife.”

“She sounds jealous all right. Jealous she isn’t getting stuff she thinks she is entitled to. She isn’t entitled to anything. Even a say.”Previous-Ad-982

Others thought the daughter was unsure about the new family arrangements. 

“Honestly, it feels like the laptop is just a manifestation of her feeling like she is being replaced by your new family.”

“You say she doesn’t have an issue with it, but what 22-year-old wouldn’t have at least some objections to their 46-year-old father having another kid?”annedroiid

“OP, you are not spending it on Mary, you are suspending money on both yourself and Mary and your future child.”

“Your daughter is being an entitled brat and is clearly not being honest about her feelings about another sibling. She is an adult and you are no longer responsible for her financial well-being.”Practical_magik

“I’m wondering if it’s really about the laptop or if she’s just side-eyeing OP not only deciding to have a 4th child at 46 (which isn’t super old, but still mean he’ll be in his mid-60s by the time the child is 20) when he’s still got 2 at home but prioritizing said decision to the point of investing serious capital into making it happen.”

“And it’s coming out as her bringing up all the other things she thinks the money would be better spent on (she also brings up a new house ad college funds).”owl_duc

Some agreed and thought the laptop was a cover-up for something else.

“I think she also has some really complex and not great feelings about her dad having another kid at nearly 50, when she is about the age that he had her, and likely wasn’t able to offer her the same opportunities her siblings have had already.”recyclopath_

“Obviously, they can do what they wish, but I’m the product of parents who were older, and let me tell you, that’s no picnic. You have to plan for things prior to being emotionally and physically mature enough, but in this case, he’s already got two adult kids (17 yo will be soon) so it’s not going to fall on the potential new kid to settle his estate.”

“Remember what Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park said: ‘…Your Scientists Were So Preoccupied With Whether Or Not They Could, They Didn’t Stop To Think If They Should.'”DoubleBreastedBerb

“I feel like maybe OP used the laptop example to make his daughter seem like TA.”

“As a child of divorce, my sibling and I experienced getting shitty financial support from our bio-dad as minors and nothing as adults. In the meantime, bio-dad went on to have a 2nd family, extravagantly spoiled them as minors and bought them houses, cars, etc as adults.”

“My sibling and I went on to be successful, self-supporting adults, but our relationship with bio-dad is non-existent.”

“Would be interested to hear OP’s daughter’s side of this story. I get the feeling I would be on her side.”tlf555

While the subReddit agreed that the OP could use his money however he wished, even if he was biologically older than average to have a baby, the subReddit was more divided on why the daughter was so upset. Some thought she was selfish, while others wondered if she was worried about her relationship with her father.

Whatever the case, the OP should figure out what the root of these feelings is before proceeding with any of these plans.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan lives in North Chicago, where she works as a poet, freelance writer, and editor. She received her MFA in Creative Writing from Western Michigan University, and her BA in English from Indiana University South Bend. Her poems have appeared in Rogue Agent, Whale Road Review, the James Franco Review, Thank You for Swallowing, and elsewhere; and her essays and book reviews have appeared with Memoir Mixtapes, The Rumpus, BookPage, and Motherly, among others. When she's not reading and writing, she's in her garden or spending time with her family. For more, visit www.mckenzielynntozan.com.