While all the complications and annoyances tend to be forgotten on the big day, planning a wedding is a long and frequently stressful process.
Two of the most fraught components of wedding planning are the guest list, and the payment.
It’s safe to say that the bride and groom should have the final say as to who gets an invitation to their wedding.
But when either of their parents are partially, or completely, paying for the wedding, it also seems that they have some say as to who gets an invite as well.
Redditor User2000gains was happy to foot the bill for his daughter’s wedding, but had a massive change of heart when she refused to invite a very important figure in his life.
Wondering if he handled the situation unfairly, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for cancelling the payments for my daughter’s wedding after she told me my wife isn’t invited?”
The OP explained how his daughter’s refusal to invite one particular guest led to his decision to no longer pay for her wedding.
“My daughter (27 F[emale]) is getting married in the fall.”
“I (58 M[ale], her dad) am supposed to pay for the wedding.”
“That’s what we agreed on.”
“We got the save the date invitations a few days after I put the payments through my bank.”
“They need to be approved, so no money has been paid yet.”
“My wife isn’t invited to the wedding.”
“I have been divorced for 15 years and married to my wife now for 8 years.”
“My daughter never really liked my wife, they didn’t get along well.”
“My other two kids love her.”
“I called my daughter and asked her why my wife isn’t invited.”
“She said that it’s her wedding day and she only wants to invite her real family.”
“I said ‘well, did you invite Mom’s BF?’ and she said yes.”
“I said ‘well okay, then you should invite My Wife too, or I am not paying for the wedding’.”
“She declined and said she isn’t inviting my wife.”
“I told her I’ll cancel the payments then, and she didn’t believe me.”
“I cancelled them and my daughter is now super pissed at me, as is my ex wife.”
“My wife is 61, I met her 5 years after my divorce.”
“My daughter and wife never got along, she took her mom’s side during the divorce and our relationship has been rocky ever since.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole in refusing to pay for the wedding if his wife wasn’t invited.
Everyone agreed that while the OP’s daughter had the right to decide who she does and doesn’t want at her wedding, her reasons for not inviting her step-mother were petty, and the OP likewise had every right to decide not to pay.
“She has every right to decide who is at her wedding but you have every right to decide to support your wife in this.”
“Especially if she doesn’t like her simply because you married after her mother.”- chill_stoner_0604
“Why should you, and presumably your wife, pay for something that she’s not invited to.”
“That’s not how it works.”
“If she wants to exclude your wife then she can pay for it herself.”- Plenty_Lengthiness96
“You: ‘I’ll cancel your wedding payments if you don’t invite my wife’.”
“Her: ‘No you won’t and she’s still not invited, lol’.”
“You: cancels payments.”
“Her: surprised Pikachu face.”
“You didn’t ask for your wife to be part of the wedding party, just a guest.”
‘Your daughter has the right to not invite your wife but then she has to pay for her wedding.”-MaryAnne0601
“Your daughter is being flat out rude.”
“And where she has the right to decide who’s invited, you have the right to decide not to pay.”
“Stick to your guns and I wouldn’t go back and agree to pay if she decides to invite your wife.”
“She’ll take your money and make it hell on your wife.”
“She’s not going to suddenly decide to start playing nice.”
“Let the mom’s bf pay.”
“She obviously thinks of him as family.”- dmowad
“Daughter is fully within her rights to decide her guest list, agreed there.”
“Dad is perfectly within reasonable assumptions to have not expected he would have to spell out that his paying is contingent on his wife being his plus one, given they have been married for 8 years.”
T”he post suggests that Dad & daughter have been in discussion about the wedding plans & his financial contributions to it for a while.”
“That the daughter chose not to advise him upfront that she didn’t intend to invite his wife suggests she understood that this would be something her dad would be not happy about.”
“She was banking on it being too late for him to back out of paying by the time he was made aware.”
“The only way the daughter would not be the ass here would be if she had stated upfront that his wife would not be invited and Dad chose to gift money fully aware of this.”
“If he knew about it before he promised funds, THEN changed his mind, I’d agree he was an ass.”
A”s it stands, NTA Dad – she is welcome to choose her guest list.”
“And she is welcome to not accept the small strings he’s attached to his contributions towards the wedding.”
“It’s not like he’s insisting on choosing the whole list or the venue or the menu or any of the other details that make a wedding.”
“But she doesn’t get to complain he won’t pay because his one condition is being rejected.”
“She gambled, she lost.”
“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”
“If she can’t afford the wedding without dad’s money, then her choices are allow the wife to come so that Dad pays OR change her plans to accommodate a smaller budget without Dad’s money.”
“Her reasons for not wanting the wife there are irrelevant here.”- PsiCoPenGuiN
“I’m just wondering if the real Dad (OP) would’ve been invited if he wasn’t paying for it!”
“Guess we’ll all find out now, if he sticks to his guns!”- No-Entrepreneur6040
“She has no right to be mad at you.”
“You warned her if your wife is excluded you’re not coming to the wedding and no longer funding it either.”
“She got to choose her guest list.”
“You in turn chose how you wanted to spend your money.”
“Actions have consequences.”- OneTwoWee000
“People seem to forget that Bridezilla’s father and wife, having been married for 8 years, are both paying for the wedding.”
“Excluding half the banker couple is just a mean and spiteful move.”
“Wish we could see the karmic outcome.”-Ronville
“It’s your money and it’s honestly what I would do.”- Illustrious-Doc-411
“Partners get invited together, and that goes about 100x if it’s the partner of someone who is PAYING for the event.”
“All established partners get invited, not just marrieds, and the only exception is actual toxic people.”- katieleehaw
“You pick up the check for a whole-ass wedding, you get a plus one.”
“None of this ‘it’s my day’ bride bullsh*t.”- ATCrow0029
“Your money and you get to spend it how you want.”
“Your daughter can decide who she wants at her wedding and you can decide not to pay for it.”-LuckStrict6000
“You were willing to pay for the wedding and had already started the process of doing so.”
“You double checked whether the same requirement ‘real family’ was being applied to your former spouse as well.”
“You gave your daughter a chance to change her mind and invite your current spouse after making her aware that her choice would have a consequence.”
“She tried to call your bluff and failed.”
“This is heartbreaking for you, but you’re not the a**hole here.”-Trouble_in_Mind
“Her wedding sure, but if you’re paying for it you can also ask for a guest.”
“Especially if that guest is your WIFE.”
“You don’t split married couples up, that’s just wedding invite etiquette.”
“Add the extra layer of the fact that you’re paying for it, it’s wrong that your daughter is trying to do this.”
“I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.”- HalfEmptyGirl26
“Let mom and bf pay for it.”
In this modern age, a father will pay for his daughter’s wedding out of generosity, not obligation.
This makes it all the more surprising that the OP’s daughter was so resolute in not inviting her step-mother.
Here’s hoping that they might be able to come to terms with their differences in time, and that her wedding day will be a happy one.
Or that she finds the funds to pay for the wedding herself.