As we unfortunately all know, wedding planning has a way of bringing out the worst in some people.
But sometimes it’s not the worst in the bride, but rather, her parents or in-laws, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor gooseheadgoose struggled to navigate their wedding planning when their father’s new girlfriend seemed to make it her mission to comment on all of their planning decisions, especially when it was in some way against “veganism.”
When the girlfriend wanted to police all of the wedding guests’ behaviors, too, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if it was worth having their father and his girlfriend at their wedding at all.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for uninviting my dad to my wedding because he refuses to pay anything towards it unless it is vegan?”
The OP was uncomfortable with their father’s girlfriend’s views and practices.
“I am 30. Since I was a child, my father has always said he would pay for my wedding.”
“About five years ago, he started a relationship with a lady with quite extreme views. She is a vegan, which is fine, but she is very judgemental of how I live.”
“She doesn’t agree with cancer scans (like smear tests, mammograms, etc.) because vegans ‘don’t get cancer.'”
“When I had my daughter, she said I should be feeding her almond milk.”
“She once came to my house for dinner, and I cooked a chicken for me and my family and a nut roast for my father and her. She later dug a hole in my garden to give the chicken bones a proper funeral because she was so ‘heartbroken to see us eating its blood and flesh.’ I wish I was joking.”
The OP also had other issues with their father’s girlfriend.
“She has also accused me of trying to steal her father’s house.”
“I have never met her father, and I have never set foot in her father’s house. All I know is he died recently.”
“I had communicated some cost of living worries to my dad (not asking for money), and she ran with it and said I was trying to manipulate her into giving me her inheritance.”
“I do not want her inheritance.”
The OP’s father recently gave new restrictions for the OP’s wedding.
“Long story short, my father will only pay for my wedding if it’s vegan.”
“This not only includes food but shoes, alcohol, what other people wear (e.g. leather), and anything else you can think of.”
“I might have been okay with vegan food, but I’m not okay with policing what others wear or food they may bring for their babies (even formula), etc.”
“This has upset me. It’s not really about the money. We are having a very small and cheap wedding anyway.”
“In the run-up to the wedding, this woman has also been extremely rude to my mother.”
“On reflection, I have now decided it’s best all-around that they do not attend.”
There were repercussions for the OP making this decision.
“She’s now telling my dad’s side of the family that it’s just about the money and that I am bitter because I didn’t get her dad’s house (Why on Earth would I be given her dad’s house?!) and that my dad isn’t paying for my wedding, but to be honest it’s not really about the money.”
“I don’t want to be controlled over what I can and can’t do on my wedding day. I’m sick of her judgment (and his, now she’s gotten her claws into him), and I just think it will be better for me, my siblings, and my mother if they do not come.”
“I also don’t want to be lectured over milk, dairy, honey, palm oil, you name it, on my wedding day, and I don’t want to put my guests through it either.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to pay for their own wedding and to have it their way.
“Do they know that ‘vegan leather,’ AKA plastic, a petroleum product, the manufacture of which results in massive environmental degradation, so that it is much more harmful to life than true leather? And that most vegan leather products are made in sweatshops?”
“So not only overbearing and judgmental but also wrong.”
“Pay for your own wedding. Invite them or not. NTA.” – Prudent_Pain_6451
“NTA. Just invite your dad without a plus one. Mention that a vegan option will be available just to show you’re taking the first step. Of course, he will refuse to come alone, and then, you just say how sorry you are he can’t make it. Checkmate in one move. Problem solved.” – Idontlikesoup1
“Be sure to either hire security or ask for volunteers to keep them away from your wedding because they will probably show up anyway and make a scene. NTA.” – MelodramaticMouse
“You should write a letter to your father explaining that while you’re disappointed that he’s reneging on a promise of 20+ years, the reason they are not invited is that his new girlfriend is insufferable and unhinged.”
“Then go on to calmly explicate all the examples of how. Tell him you love him and make sure and CC his entire side of the family, so there is no confusion.” – Dimension597
“NTA. I think you’re right that it will be better if they don’t come since they can’t keep themselves from trying to control everything and everyone around them. It’s insufferable, and you don’t need that headache on your wedding day.” – northstarette
“These are the vegans that make the whole world hate us.”
“Someone introduced me as a vegan to a friend, and when I saw the look on her face, I quickly replied, ‘Lovely to meet you, and I promise I am not one of THOSE vegans.'”
“She burst out laughing, and we were good.”
“NTA, and so very sorry you are navigating this. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!” – Moderate-Fun
Others were concerned about the father’s partner’s mental health.
“Taking all the crazy vegan stuff away, the thing with the house is so weird. She clearly has issues and is a toxic person.”
“OP, you do not want her around, not for the wedding, not for the rest of your life. I would avoid her as much as possible. As for the father, keep minimum contact with him. Too bad he’s fallen deep in her bulls**t, but hopefully he’ll realize he could lose his relationship with you because of her…” – Internal-Sock-6281
“I’m a vegan, and I would never behave like this because my choices are just that, my choices. I’d never force my views on others because it’s about autonomy. But let’s be real. At this point, this woman’s behavior is less about her commitment to veganism and more about control, superiority, and attention-seeking. She needs therapy. NTA, OP.” – Jigglypuff-n-stuff
“I don’t really think this is an ‘extreme vegan’ issue as much as it is just a crazy person who happened to attach themselves to veganism. You could switch out the ‘vegan’ stuff for religion, for example, and get almost the same results because it’s just the kind of person she is rather than her being vegan.”
“This may be irrelevant to OP’s situation, but it might actually be helpful if he wants to try to talk to his dad and get him to see reason. Detaching the values from the behavior will make it easier to see that it is not actually the veganism itself that is an issue, but rather how she is as a person (denying science, crossing way over social boundaries, outlandish accusations, and paranoia, imposing on other people, etc.).”
“Even if OP’s dad agrees with veganism, it’s her and her behavior that is the issue, and that won’t change even if she one-day changes veganism for some other -ism. Might make it easier for his dad to recognize the issues with his GF and not feel like he or she is being attacked simply for being vegan.” – greenpiggelin
“This post was amazing. Anytime anyone asks OP how her relationship with her stepmom is, all she has to say it, ‘Let me put it this way. I made a chicken roast for dinner, and she held a funeral for the chicken bones and buried them in the yard.'”
“That is so wacko. I’m dying of laughter.” – etds3
“I’m going to add that the father’s partner might have some issues with narcissism or personality disorders. Everything is about catering to her worldview and controlling everything around her, with some serious paranoia, too. That stuff about the house and her inheritance is wild.” – HobbittBass
“NTA. As someone who was vegan for a while (mostly vegetarian with the occasional meat product now), her pushing her agenda on people is what gives vegans a bad name. I did it for health reasons, but guess what. I still got cancer.”
“As for her missing out on her health screenings, well, ignorance will only get her so far. And she won’t get very far at all if she misses getting diagnosed early for cancer. My cousin’s mother-in-law was married to a chiropractor (the crazy kind that believes a back adjustment will cure anything). She had pelvic pain for a while, and he just kept adjusting her back. She died of cervical cancer.”
“Anyhow, it’s your wedding. Don’t invite them. Block all the haters, and enjoy your day. Congratulations!” – Livid-Garbage8255
Not only was the subReddit concerned by how the OP’s potential future stepmother was treating them, but they were also concerned that the OP’s father was allowing it to happen and changing his conditions to help with the wedding.
While it would be easy enough for a passer-by to dismiss this as financial greed, there was clearly much more going on here than a father suddenly unwilling to fund his child’s wedding.