Informed Consent is the idea that you need to have all the relevant information presented to you in order to make a decision.
The idea being that faulty information leads to faulty decisions.
So, what happens when you make an agreement only to later realize that you were agreeing to faulty information and when you back out, you’re shamed for it?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Beneficial-Most-6523 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for not checking in on my brother’s surrogate when I went on a bachelorette party in Cancun?”
First the good news.
“One of my best friends is having her bachelorette party in Cancun, Mexico and this is my first time outside of Niagara Falls ever leaving the country and I am super excited to go.”
“I told my family this, and my older brother is like oh can you please check in on our surrogate she is in Cancun.”
“When I first heard it, I was like sure.”
Then it got complicated.
“But then, I found out that his surrogate is 2 Hours’ drive from Cancun and doesn’t live in the safest neighborhood, and I would need to get a driver.”
“Also the bachelorette party has a full itinerary, and I am only there for 3.5 days.”
“I told my brother that I won’t be able to make it and he freaks out at me and is like, you don’t care about family. What happens if Mary (fake name for surrogate) house is filthy and your future niece is born sickly.”
“He starts going on how it’s not even a big deal and starts saying what is more important, having fun with friends or family? 
”
“To me, it really rubbed me the wrong way. For one if he cares so much, he can fly down there right now.”
“His partner is much older and really wealthy, and they go on vacation every couple of months, and they just came back from Portugal, like they could have gone to check in on our surrogate .”
“And FWIW, they already have her sharing her location and have her send a picture of each meal she eats, and they even got her a Fitbit.”
“Like they are tracking her so much, me not checking in on her house is not gonna change anything.”
“

I know I initially said yes, but to me, I feel like they are being really unfair here.”
In the end, OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
The brother’s situation seems odd.
“NTA but am I the only one who feels weird about Americans using a surrogate in Mexico?” ~ HorrorParsnip
“I feel the same.”
“Not to mention that the brother and partner are really wealthy, and the surrogate is clearly from a more deprived ‘unsafe area’ with a possibly ‘filthy’ house.”
“The whole thing stinks of buying desperate women’s bodies. ~ Radiant-Idea-2261
“Yeah, and them being so incredibly creepy about it too.”
“I know that there possibly exists surrogacy that’s actually good, but such a large part of it is just buying women’s bodies (edit: not to mention, buying children).”
“And it is so gross, and the way people seem to handwave it away is chilling.” ~ ActuallyParsley
“The fact that the partner is well off and they’re using someone in another country is really giving me some gross vibes.”
“I’ve seen a couple of viral videos about it, and it feels dystopian.” ~ noblestromana
Some focused on the question itself.
“Uh NO.”
“Enjoy your trip.”
“If they’re that interested in where/how she lives, one of them can take a couple days and make the trip. It’s selfish to try to infringe on your getaway on what would be considered a party weekend.”
“Don’t feel bad!” ~ Hot-Low1673
“NTA.”
“If he’s worried about her, he can go visit her. It’s not reasonable to expect you to add a 2-hour trip to an already-full schedule” ~ AshdoesArtandAmi
“NTA”
“Enjoy your trip.”
“Your brother is taking advantage of this surrogate relationship to go well beyond any reasonable boundaries.”
“I’m wondering what kind of contract they have, if at all, that permits this kind of invasive behavior.” ~ PuzzleheadedGoal8234
“NTA”
“You’re going for one reason. The bachelorette party/festivities.”
“Enjoy your getaway.”
“Your brother is TA for wanting you to travel ALONE in an unsafe area for any reason.”
‘“NO’ is a complete answer.”
“DON’T do this. This is not your concern.”
“If he & partner are that concerned about their shady af surrogate deal, THEY can go check on her themselves.” ~ MizPeachyKeen
“The audacity of the brother!”Â
“If he was worried about the surrogates living arrangements, he should have checked it all out before impregnating her!”
“It’s his responsibility to do all these checks before choosing the surrogate… If he cared about his own child, he’d go check it out himself!”
“I look forward to these parents being posted in Entitled Parents because I doubt their demand for you to check up on their child won’t just stop here.”
“They’re going to demand babysitting and all sorts of things from you… Good luck.”
“NTA” ~ West-Kaleidoscope129
“What’s more important is your friend because you are only in Cancun for HER bachelorette party.”
“Your trip for the bride is already fully scheduled and does not include the time for trying to hire a driver and a minimum round trip of four hours for your brother’s concerns.” ~ vhtg
Some had logistical questions.
“What is OP supposed to do if she finds the surrogate lives in a dirty house?”
“Demand she is allowed to clean it?”
“Buy her a new house?”
“A surrogate for a wealthy family in New York that lives 2 hours away from Cancun sounds incredibly sketchy.”
“Where’s she having the baby?”
“How do they obtain said baby?”
“What if she says NAH – you can’t have my Mexican baby – do you go to the Mexican authorities and demand she hands over a baby for you to leave the country with?”
“It’s gross.” ~ KnotDedYeti
“If it’s arranged with a legit agency or legal contract, she wouldn’t be allowed to change her mind about keeping the baby.”
“My understanding is that’s basically ‘industry standard’ for surrogacy.”
“It’s to help prevent cases where a surrogate extorted money.”
“But the ethical standards can be all over the case with these, especially if no one bothered to explain the contract before the surrogate committed.”
“No idea what the legal options would look like in an international case like this, but they could probably wreck her life with lawsuits if she did try to challenge the terms.”
“Sounds like they have the income.” ~ Bubblegrime
“NTA-“
“Was he going to give you the money for a driver there and back? (At least $200, probably more.)”
“Would he pay for an extra day at the resort and a flight change?”
“And how was the visit supposed to go exactly?”
“Hi, I understand you’re incubating my niece, and my brother asked me to check and make sure you aren’t living in filth and squalor?”
“Bad idea all around!”
“It sounds like your brother doesn’t see you as a family if he’s so willing to send you on such a random errand to a small village somewhere ‘near’ Cancun with no thought or concern for your safety or the logistics of it all.” ~ Only_Music_2640
“Omg NTA.”
“How does he reasonably expect you to navigate 2 hours out of the way in a country you’ve never visited alone?”
“He must know that your friends on the trip with you also wouldn’t have time or want to take a 2 hour trip.”
“Plus their financial situation and having a poor woman in Mexico carry their child while clearly not providing for her during her pregnancy is so gross.” ~ SpaceQwitch
Which led to a discussion of Surrogacy in general.
“I have heard of a few viewpoints lately that make me more and more uneasy about adoption and surrogacy.”
“They are both multi-billion dollar industries set up to fulfill the needs of desperate parents, and they give very little thought to the feelings of the babies or vulnerable mothers they are exploiting.”
“I know that there are people going into it with good intentions, but it’s all leaving a really bad taste in my mouth.” ~ dierdrerobespierre
“It’s not a popular stance, but unless it’s for friends or family, I think surrogacy is entirely unethical.”
“It’s worse when it’s done by women who ARE capable of carrying children but don’t want to take the risk of complications or ‘ruin’ their bodies.”
“It grosses me out that they pay other, often poor women to do so for a selfish wish (wanting children is selfish by default and I have them myself).” ~ Agreeable_Spite
“Fully agree.”
“Altruistic surrogacy (when no payment is made) may be fine, though that should also be regulated.”
“Commercial, never.”
“To those who say it’s fine if the surrogate freely chooses it, do you think poverty never forces people to do things they would never do unless the alternative would be to starve or be homeless (and their kids, too)?”
“Would it be OK to allow people to sell their kidneys to the highest bidder?” ~ Intrepid_Respond_543
The thread itself poses lots of questions about the power of money, bodily autonomy, and the role of surrogacy in our society.
As to the question of whether it’s okay to back out of a deal you didn’t grasp the full magnitude of?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Informed consent only works if you have all the information available.