Blended families, custody battles, and life after divorce.
As much as people want to try and make it all work, the process is very fragile.
Every house has different rules, and that can rub a lot of parents the wrong way.
Especially when you’re the parent who feels their say isn’t being heard.
Case in point…
Redditor YouDontLiveHereDude wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA because I told my stepchildren’s dad his opinion doesn’t matter?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I live with my wife, and we have a blended family.”
“My stepkids are usually with us, although right now they are with their dad for Father’s Day weekend.”
“He called me yesterday and said he wanted to talk about something the kids told him.”
“He said they told him that my son (from my prior relationship) has his boyfriend over all the time.”
“He said it makes him uncomfortable that his kids are spending so much time around this older boy he doesn’t know.”
“To make a long story short, our disagreement ended with me telling him that he’s not a member of my household, and his opinion doesn’t matter.”
“When his kids are with him, he makes the decisions.”
“When they are with my wife, she does.”
“He said he always gets a say over what happens with his kids.”
“I said not in my house.”
“He said I was an a**hole, and he was going to take my wife back to court.”
“I asked him if he was going to start using all the custody days he already has before asking for more because that might give him better odds.”
“He told me to go f**k myself.”
“My wife is upset with me because antagonizing her ex makes her life more difficult.”
“I do feel bad for making things more difficult for my wife, but I also feel like this guy needed a reality check.”
“Am I the a**hole for how I spoke to him?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. I don’t think this is an older friend of your son’s problem. I think this is a bio dad might be a homophobic a**hole problem.”
“Small edit: you’re the stepdad, my bad dude.” ~ Elegant-Bastard
“Either way, it’s the guy‘s prejudice talking, which makes him the AH here.” ~ HoldFastO2
“OP should also keep a written record to keep track of all the times the dad fails to pick up his kids when it’s supposed to be his custody day.” ~ AcademcBand
“They oughtta let the kids know what’s up and start trying to force him to use his custody days.”
“Be sure to let the kids know it’s not because you don’t want them, but I’m sure the biodad only takes the kids when he can’t get someone he would rather hang out with to be with him.”
“And I bet biodad thinks that because he doesn’t use all his days that if he suddenly wants the kids on a day for his own reasons, hell, expect them to drop what they’re doing and let him have them on his day.”
“This biodad is clearly suffering from some psychological issues.” ~ TheSilverBullit
“Exactly, and this factored heavily in my NTA judgment.”
“In this situation, yes, I would stand up for my child against bigotry.” ~ WhosMimi
“Sigh. He’ll never learn.”
“He’s probably upset, too, because I’ll bet the kids had nice stories about their stepbrother’s cool boyfriend, and, in his mind, they’re not supposed to like and accept gay people.”
“I applaud OP for being enlightened.”
“OP, apologize to your wife but let her know that you’ll fight just this hard for your stepkids and their significant others someday when someone – their bio dad or no – has something to say about who they love.”
“NTA, but hug your wife and talk to the stepkids to see what nonsense their father has been spewing at them.”
“Let the kids and your wife know that you are on their side, no matter what. It’s what real family does for one another.” ~OtherThumbs
“NTA. He is trying to mask his homophobia, plain and simple.”
“You’re right, his opinion doesn’t matter, and I doubt it would go anywhere in court.” ~ PJfanRI
“Doesn’t have to.”
“Just dragging OP and his wife to court means they have to take time off work, find childcare for the kids if they’re not in school, and unnecessarily complicate/frustrate their lives.”
“There’s a lot he can do without crossing the line to harassment, but I don’t want to go into detail on the off-chance that he finds this thread.” ~ arlondiluthel
“There’s a near 0% chance this ends up back in court.”
“The ex would be laughed out of the courtroom asking for more custody when he doesn’t even have the kids for all of his currently awarded custodial time.”
“And no lawyer in their right mind would agree to represent him if he tried anyway.” ~ Valiant_Strawberry
“I don’t know where OP is, and neither do you.”
“All I know is that there are states in the US where I am no longer confident that the father wouldn’t prevail because his reasoning is obviously homophobic.”
“Please understand that a law has been passed in Florida that if a parent with custody is allowing a child to even socially transition (change name, clothing, hairstyle) that a non-custodial parent who kidnaps the child and takes them to Florida will not be required to return the child.”
“Florida will not enforce other states’ custody orders if the child says they are trans and the custodial parent supports it.”
“I realize that there is a difference between being trans and being gay.”
“I also realize that trans people are an easy target and that most people who hate one hate the other as well.” ~ TychaBrahe
“NTA – it’s none of his business what your son does.”
“Since he said he was going to take your wife to court – believe him, and act appropriately – probably a good idea to not communicate verbally with him anymore since he will most likely try to use anything you say to support his case.”
“Don’t engage further.” ~ runaredlight68
“ESH. He wins the AITA battle, but your dig about custody isn’t going to help your wife.”
“Don’t engage. Leave any discussions relating to the children to your wife and her ex.”
“Or to their lawyers.”
“If he calls, don’t answer.”
“If he messages, redirect him to your wife.”
“It isn’t your place to discuss parenting with him, and he’ll just take out any frustrations he has with you and the things you say about your wife and your stepkids.” ~ embopbopbopdoowop
“YES, this. Obviously, the ex is a huge a**hole and almost certainly homophobic.”
“There’s no argument there.”
“But OP’s wife has to find a way to work with this a**hole for the next several years.”
“If the stepkids were all 18+ and the ex had zero power then yeah tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.”
“But until that point, the OP needs to let his wife take point on those discussions since she and her kids will have to deal with any consequences of OP’s actions.”
“This is not to say that OP should kick his son’s boyfriend out of the house.”
“He absolutely should not bow to the whims of a homophobe.”
“However, he can and should direct the ex to the wife (or better yet, their lawyer) every. single. time.”
“There’s a way to stand his ground without making things worse for the wife and stepkids.” ~ Gloomy_Ruminant
“NTA. I suspect (strongly) that your wife’s ex is homophobic, which is the real reason he has a problem with your son’s boyfriend.”
“Your response to him threatening to take your wife to court over the current custody agreement was spot on.”
“Your wife’s frustration is misdirected, as this situation was entirely created by her ex.”
“He’s the one whose influence is bad on the children, not your son’s B[oy]F[riend].” ~ WhosMimi
“You’re not TAH for defending your son, but you are TAH for further antagonizing.”
“You should have just said that the discussion was over and moved on.”
“Your wife is correct – while it might be fun to antagonize the ex who is overstepping, SHE is the one who has to deal with the custody headache.”
“In the future, keep interactions like this short.”
“I wonder if any of the people in these comments have had to work through a nasty custody battle?”
“Doesn’t sound like it. the wife’s opinion matters here because she’s the one who has to deal with it.” ~ Wild_Excitement_4083
“Your stepkid’s dad specifically called you, out of the blue, to let you know that he has a problem with you letting your son have his boyfriend over at your house, and your wife thinks that you are the one antagonizing him?”
“And, further, he threatens to take your wife to court so he can take the kids away from both of you, but he doesn’t even bother to pick them up on the actual custody days that he already has?”
“So, basically, he’s using his own children as pawns in whatever weird power game he’s trying to play here in regards to dictating who your own son is allowed to associate with.”
“NTA at all.”
“Good for you for standing up to that clown.” ~ prairiemountainzen
Well, OP, most of Reddit is with you.
This is a tough situation.
There were a lot of good ideas here.
Keep track of everything and stay prepared.
Good luck.