For all the happiness they bring, planning a wedding has always been a notoriously stressful endeavor.
Finding the right location, caterers, DJ, not to mention the often staggering cost of it all, often results in headaches and tears.
Often contributing to the stress of planning a wedding is when friends and family members give their input on how the wedding should run.
Even when their opinion wasn’t asked for.
Redditor Dangerous-Web-2497 got her parents riled up when her ideas differed considerably than what they had planned.
But after being scolded by relatives for how she addressed their discontent, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my parents that it wouldn’t bother me if they didn’t attend my wedding?”
The OP first shared her and her fiancé’s plans for their upcoming wedding.
“I (28 F[emale]) and my fiancé (32 M[ale]) are planning to get married this July.”
“We are very relaxed and want a stress free day, so here is what we planned (relevant to the situation).”
“We rented a big house by a lake, we plan on a friend marrying us, casual dress code (my own dress is a beach dress I bought for $40), only invited family we are close with and close friends (less than 50 people total).”
“The food is going to he a cook out style.
Father-in law (FIL) and brother-in-law (BIL) will take care of the grilling, a southern restaurant in town is going to provide us with all the sides and some desserts.”
Cupcakes for a cake, streaming service band, my fiancé’s old band equipment for music and no traditional wedding parties.”
“The only exception is a professional photographer.”
“Also since we bought a fixer upper we asked for Lowe’s gift cards as gifts, no register or anything.”
But the OP’s parents had a very different idea as to what their daughter’s wedding should be like, and weren’t afraid to tell her so.
“The problem is my parents.”
“They are super into keeping up appearances.”
“They want a church wedding and a country club reception, the big cake, the band, hundreds of people I don’t know as guests and the bajillion bridesmaids and groomsmen.”
“I shut that down hard.”
“I told them that the most I might agree to is a party to celebrate our marriage after the wedding itself.”
“They threw a tantrum, gave me the silent treatment and now they are threatening me to not attend my wedding.”
The OP felt there was an easy solution to her parent’s threat, which proved to only exacerbate the situation.
“I am not super close to them so all I said was that I would respect their decision and they shouldn’t force themselves to come, that I will have a fun day even if they don’t attend so they shouldn’t worry about me and do what they feel is right.”
“Well, now all hell broke loose.”
“I have relatives from both sides of the family calling me an a**hole for breaking my parents’ hearts, that I am their only daughter and all they want is to celebrate my day.”
“I blocked every single one of them.”
“But when I went to my parents’ house my mom really seemed heart broken.”
“So AITA for my response to their threat?”
“Not to having the wedding I want, that is my choice and I am in the right.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Fellow Redditors were in agreement that the OP was not at all the a**hole for taking her parents up on their threat.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP deserved to have the wedding she wanted, not what her parents wanted for her.
“People need to stop seeing their children as an extension of themselves.”
“Children have their own lives, their own dreams, their own choices.”
“If children’s life and choices don’t measure up to a dream parents had for them, then the parents need to fix themselves, not their children.”- Personal_Lavishness4.
“Have your wedding the way you described.”
“It sound freaking fantastic.”
“If they cant be happy for you you screw them.”
“She’s only sad because she’s not getting her do over wedding.”- Key-Sheepherder3355.
“They want to celebrate YOUR day, and good for you for keeping it your day.”
“If you don’t want the big church/ tons of guests/ formal wedding, then go with your plan (which sounds awesome by the way) and if they truly want to celebrate your wedding they will come.”
“On a side note, my sister got married a few months ago and did a more relaxed event, with 14 people including her and her husband, a friend officiated, no wedding party, and we went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner after.”
“She got a nice green dress that she can re-wear for other events.”
“I brought my camera and so did another friend there, and we uploaded the photos to Google drive.”
“There was absolutely no stress, no hassle, and everyone that was there only looks back on the wedding with good memories.”
“They are planning a casual reception party/ picnic this summer so the family that couldn’t go to the ceremony can celebrate too.”
“It was the best wedding I have ever been to!”-Skye-is-falling512.
“NTA and congratulations on maintaining your boundaries!”
“If your parents genuinely want to celebrate your day, then they will join you at your wedding.”
“If their motivations aren’t about your happiness, then they aren’t interested in celebrating your day, they’re only looking for validation by status quo.”-Forsaken_Woodpecker1.
“Your plan sounds lovely.”
“And a party afterwards seems like a fair compromise.”
“They’ll get over it eventually.”- candiedapplecrisp.
“Don’t give in to emotional blackmail.”
“Your parents are upset someone else’s party doesn’t look like what they want.”-Alternative_Year_340.
“Its YOUR wedding, not there’s.”
“You aren’t stopping them from attending, they are acting childish for not respecting your decision to have a low key wedding.”- Background-Pickle-95.
“NTA and I’ve been to a wedding just like you are planning.”
“I had the best time.”
“No one wanted to leave, everyone was wearing cute and casual clothing – it was just perfect.”
“I think your response to your mom was perfect.”- SimplySam4210.
“It’s your day and about you and your partner.”
“Do what you all want.”
“Your parents should come around.”
“A compromise could be to let them throw you a ‘shower’ or ‘celebration’ after the fact and have a nice big party with lots of gifts.”
“No church or ceremony, just a nice party.”
“You might still have to deal with a bunch of people you don’t care about but it should satisfy your parents and really isn’t that painful.”- FarmerPancho.
Some questioned whether or not the OP’s parents had any right to be angry, as they were the ones who initially threatened not to come.
“You called their bluff and now they’re mad they couldn’t control you.”-Yet-Another-Jennifer.
“They’re the ones who threatened not to come. as everyone on this sub loves to say, play stupid games win stupid prizes.”
“Your wedding sounds great btw.”-llavenderhaze.
“NTA, I think they read too much into that honestly, they threatened you and you responded nicely and they thought fits.”
“I gotta say, I love that wedding idea though!”
“Congratulations op!”- Silverwolfypup.
“NTA, you handled it brilliantly.”
“If you’d have thrown a tantrum, they’d have been justified in freezing you out.”
“If you’d have folded, you wouldn’t have your dream wedding.”
“This way you put the ball back in their court.”
“They can either grow up and let you be your own person, or they can fume by themselves.”
“They made a threat and got called on their bluff.”
“This is hilarious, and you handled it beautifully.”
“It amazing what happens when someone comes at you and you give them nothing to fight.”
“They pushed at a wall that wasn’t there and are now surprised they fell flat.”
“Have a brilliant wedding, you deserve it!”- lalafia1
While several people pointed out the fact that the OP and her fiancé seem to be footing the bill all on their own made the behavior of the OP’s parents even worse.
“They have a fantasy in their heads about what they want your wedding to be like, but they’re not you.”
“Their choices are to grow up and attend the wedding YOU want (and are paying the bills for), or STFU about it.”
“Not indulging their attempts at emotional blackmail does not make you an A H.”-ten_before_six.
“Your life, your money, your wedding.”
“Tell your mother to arrange a celebration for your parents’ long marriage, they can renew their vows, have a big dress, a blessing ceremony at church and a big party in a country club, and they can do it just the way they want.”
“Everyone wins this way.”-LookAtNarnia.
It would be a shame if the OP’s parents missed their daughter’s wedding, simply because it wasn’t the wedding they wanted.
Here’s hoping they might come around and be present at their daughter’s special day.