No matter how much of a foodie we might be, we all have a food that we do not enjoy. Others have a slightly pickier palette, whether it's because of preferences or serious dietary needs.
But some people have such adamant dislikes, and even picky preferences, that it makes it difficult to be around them, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor MortgageTrick2436 was sick of spending time with her son's wife, who was an incredibly picky eater, to the point of ruining events that involved food.
But when her son ridiculed her for not inviting her to the latest family dinner to avoid the typical drama, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she'd taken her frustrations too far.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my DIL (Daughter-in-Law) she wasn't invited [to our family dinner] since she's an embarrassment at dinners because she's such a picky eater?"
The OP was deeply frustrated by her son's wife's eating habits.
"My son has been married for two years at this point. We get along as well as water and oil. I just keep my distance because I don't like dealing with his wife."
"She is a horrible picky eater. I don't know why, but truly, I don't care, because she is a pain at restaurants."
"We try to go anywhere, and we have to change places multiple times so she can have something to eat."
"She makes the waiters go through hoops so she will have something she likes, and if anything is wrong, she will bi**h about it or pout in the corner."
"For example, she got a quesadilla, removed everything on it, and when it came out, she sent it back because there was sour cream on the side. It wasn't touching anything and she made a huge deal about her food being wrong. She doesn't have allergies, either."
The daughter-in-law's pickiness even impacted a past funeral.
"What really made me dislike her is that she complained about the food at a funeral. They had a sandwich spread but went on about how gross it was multiple times."
"We had even talked to her about the menu before the funeral, but nothing helped."
"My daughter told her to shut the f**k up at that funeral, and it was a huge problem, and her brother went no contact for a bit. It's been a MESS."
The OP did not want to include her at a recent event.
"So I had a dinner yesterday and I invited everyone but my son's wife (my son wasn't invited, either, but he wasn't impacted as much, because he was on a business trip)."
"My other DIL (Daughter-in-Law) posted about it online, and so I got a call from the picky DIL. She was p**sed I didn't invite her and asked why."
"I told her it was due to her being an embarrassment at dinners and I won't be inviting her to dinners."
"She called me a jerk and hung up."
The OP's son stood against her actions.
"Now my son is on my a**, and I am wondering if I should apologize or not."
"He thinks I should be more welcoming to her and give her more grace, and he does justify her behavior."
"Our personalities do not mesh. She is extremely dramatic and I get annoyed being around her for more than a few hours. The food is my main issue with her, but even without that, we wouldn't be besties."
"He always says to drop it and that she is fine. If we push, he goes on about us not welcoming her. It's frustrating."
The OP was thoroughly fed up with her daughter-in-law's behavior.
"I'm going to say it, it doesn't matter to me why she is this way. It doesn't matter if she has an eating disorder or is on the spectrum. Both of those groups know how to act at a funeral or restaurant. It may be harder but they can."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said they wouldn't invite the DIL to anything food-related after the funeral incident.
"NTA. She OPENLY complained about the sandwich spread at a funeral? That's all you have to point out to her, to your son, and to anyone else who challenges you on this."
"She either behaves at mealtime like a decent human being or you, for one, will not be inviting her to dinner."
"High time she gets ousted from anything involving food. This is behavior you wouldn't let an eight-year-old get away with, and it's outrageous for her to continually be indulged." - Auntie-Mam69
"Who goes to a funeral for the food in the first place?? I mean, are you serious?"
"Imagine hearing a relative has passed away, and your first thought is, 'Gee, I wonder what kind of spread they'll have and if I'll like it.'"
"Insanity." - Wet_Sock_Owner
"After my husband passed this summer, it was three days before I actually felt like eating anything and then it was only because I was forcing myself. I know there was food at the funeral because I paid for it. I also sent most of it home for family and friends. The rest I gave to the staff who were working."
"Have a sit down with your DIL and son. Don't call her rude or picky because those words are inflammatory, and all they will hear is her being called names."
"Explain that, while you love her company, her eating habits are so extreme that it is difficult to plan any food-based gathering. In the future, you will tell them what is on the menu, and she can either choose to eat what is served as it is served or bring something for herself to eat or not attend."
"Your son has been enabling this behavior. Two of my children married picky eaters. We are all now surprised at what they will order at restaurants because they have been trying new foods first and other food they continue to try even if they didn't like it at first."
"We (20 people) also have multiple food allergies, dietary requirements, dietary preferences, and lifestyle choices such as vegetarian. But we are successful at holding family gatherings with food because most of these people are adults who take care of their own food needs." - karenrn64
"Her EATING habits are not the problem. She can eat whatever she likes. The problem is her DRAMA habits." - TjW0569
"I've known incredibly picky eaters. In a situation like a funeral, they eat what they can and keep their bloody mouth shut about it. Or at a restaurant, you can send something back, but eventually, most people just go, 'I'm moving on from this,' and maybe leave a bad review online."
"Even moving restaurants multiple times in order for her to find something to eat is a lot to deal with. If she has allergies, it's a different story, but if it's just that she's picky, she can either eat before she comes and push a salad around her plate or decide not to come." - haleofshine
Others agreed and understood why the OP was so fed up, no matter the DIL's reasons.
"I have issues with food. I am in pain 24 hours a day, seven days a week, so eating is a low priority for my body, no matter how hungry I am. I can only keep certain (gentle) foods down."
"Do you know what I do when I'm in public? I don't f**king eat. Because dealing with my body's unreasonable +no, not gonna do that' isn't everyone's problem. I just wait until I am home and calm and as relaxed as I can get, then I try to eat."
"If you have food issues, then you should eat before or after the event, and just smile and try to enjoy the atmosphere. Unless it's a funeral. Then you should be appropriately mournful and definitely shut the f**k up about how the sandwiches don't look yummy to you." - Reflection_Secure
"OP is NTA. If the DIL has such extreme issues, she can be polite for a few hours, keep her mouth shut, and have her husband cater to her extreme food needs. He married her so he can cater to her."
"It's like those picky backstage requirements that rock bands make to see if the contract managers are paying attention. If the absence or presence of brown M&M's or Flintstone vitamins is so vital to their performance, they can provide them or remove them themselves." - Chateaudelait
"I wouldn't let my three-year-old get away with this behavior. We say, 'No, thank you,' but never, 'That's yucky.' Sounds like the daughter-in-law needs some lessons." - freya_of_milfgaard
"I don't get why she complained about the sour cream if it was on the side and not touching anything. Ultimately, I see it as rude, and for SIL, 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all,' that we learned as kids must have never stuck." - Fionaelaine4
"I have a relative that consistently interrupts holiday meals with complaints that something is wrong. There have been years of trying to accommodate the complaints. The last attempt was to tell the relative to order and/or make a holiday meal that meets his standards. He did nothing."
"We started this year to have holiday meals without this person. The complaints are a way to control people who are eager to please to provide a nice meal."
"The DIL behavior is a way of controlling group meals with constant complaints." - FiveUpsideDown
Most of the subReddit's conversation circled around and around the subject of the daughter-in-law's behavior at the funeral, simply because that would have been the final straw for most of these Redditors to never include her at an event that in some way involved food ever again.
But also, the daughter-in-law made a huge assumption about the dinner that she had not been invited to. Just because one of her in-laws posted about it on social media didn't mean that it was an open event from which she had been maliciously excluded. She would have been pretty embarrassed if just a few family members had gotten together to discuss something serious and private.
But then again, the daughter-in-law really should have been more embarrassed about her behavior, period.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp