Content Warning: Child Neglect, Child Abuse, Forced Veganism, Forced Diet, Vitamin Deficiency, Malnourished Child
All diets, even those that are advertised as “healthy,” can lead to serious health problems if the diet is not well-balanced and meaningfully navigated.
While a young child could be properly cared for and have the proper nutrition on an all-vegan diet, there are many ways in which a child might become malnourished if not addressed quickly, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Former_Stomach1579 was immediately concerned about the effects a vegan diet would have on his daughter when the six-year-old had problems with the switch from the very first meal.
But when she became increasingly lethargic, agitated, and unlike herself, the Original Poster (OP) was convinced that a vegan diet was not right for her, no matter what his ex-wife had to say about it.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for accusing my ex-wife of abusing our six-year-old daughter by forcing a vegan diet on her?”
The OP’s ex-wife turned vegan shortly before they got divorced.
“I (30 Male) have a daughter, Dyann, with my ex-wife (46 Female).”
“We were only together for three years. I met my ex when I was 22, we married when I was 24 and had Dyann, and then when I was 25, we divorced.”
“Near the end of our relationship, my ex turned vegan, which hurt our already rocky marriage, as she immediately all the sudden wanted me, our daughter, and even my two dogs to become vegan (she found this ‘amazing’ vegan dog food that we tried once, and the dogs had diarrhea for about 12 hours after trying it for the first time).”
“My daughter also hated the vegan food, and my wife hated that I wouldn’t force her to eat it. I myself also hated the vegan food.”
The OP became increasingly concerned about his daughter’s health.
“My ex-wife married Dyann’s stepdad, and this is where I think the problems started, as my wife didn’t really force our daughter to be vegan till the stepdad came along.”
“Our custody arrangement is that Dyann comes to me on weekends and goes to her mom’s during the week.”
“For the past year, my ex-wife and her husband have had our daughter on a full vegan diet whenever she’s over there and she tries to get me to enforce the diet, but I haven’t.”
“She’s also been ‘educating’ our daughter on the terribleness of the meat and diary industry.”
“The result is a daughter that I think is not getting the proper nutrients, as she’s always groggy, she’s been less energetic, she’s very irritable, and she seems to always be tired.”
“That enough is a concern, but she also cries everytime she comes over and sees my dogs chase a squirrel because it’s hurting animals, cries if the clothes I have here might have wool in them because it hurts the sheep, she cries when she sees honey in my cabinet because it took abusing bees for that, cries if anything involves eggs or milk because were stealing from cows and chickens.”
“She constantly talks about the poor cows and chickens are hurt on farms.”
“My daughter was never like this before. She’s been so sad lately, won’t even colour with god**n crayons cause it ‘took hurting animals to get those’ and it breaks my heart.”
The OP’s daughter even questioned how he lived his life.
“I own 11 hens. Dyann used to love helping with these hens, like collecting their eggs and naming all of them. But now, she cries and begs me not to hurt chickens and stop stealing their babies.”
“I don’t use my chickens for meat, only eggs, and I don’t have a rooster yet to fertilize the eggs.”
“Yet my ex-wife seems to have her convinced I am a horrible animal abuser, and my chickens are suffering every day. I take damn good care of those chickens for anyone wondering. All this stuff didn’t happen overnight, it’s been more gradual and has gotten extreme lately.”
“My daughter used to be such a happy girl and healthy girl, but now I feel her health has gone down and she seems so sad all the time. I didn’t quite know what to do, and I still don’t, but I decided to chat with my ex-wife about around a week or two ago.”
The OP and his ex-wife got in a terrible argument.
“When I showed up at her house on Friday to grab Dyann and take her to my house, I asked to talk.”
“The conversation went something like I asked her about what she teaches Dyann about veganism, my ex-wife said she explained to Dyann how bad hurting animals is and all the things that go on inside farms, I asked her if shes telling Dyann I am an animal abuser and said basically ‘if she comes to the natural conclusion based on the truth’ and then I asked if hers been monitoring our daughters health and she said it isn’t my concern and the diet is healthy.”
“It is totally my concern. And from there I got angry and it turned into an argument where during I said my wife was abusing Dyann by forcing this diet on her.”
“My ex-wife did not like this and she started screaming at me, and in a moment I am not proud of, I screamed back.”
“Luckily, Dyann was still inside the house getting ready to go. The argument stopped when she came outside, and I left.”
The OP’s ex-wife tried to pit his family against him.
“My wife has now involved my family, who I am low contact with (long history there, I dated a guy in my teens. They didn’t like that, divorced my wife, and they also didn’t like that), and now my family is telling me not to be so cruel to the mother of my child.”
“I do not feel I was cruel. I feel I was honest. My daughter literally seems depressed. I am not proud of yelling at my ex-wife but I also feel I was justified in my anger at her.”
“I don’t care what my wife does, I care how it affects Dyann. I don’t have many people to talk to, and I am feeling a bit guilty after all of that. I shouldn’t have screamed, and I have never really addressed this stuff properly with Dyann.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to get his daughter, Dyann, immediate care.
“NTA, but instead of arguing with your ex, you need to get your daughter to a doctor and a therapist to assess her physical and mental health. If your ex tries to stop you, call your lawyer.” – miyuki_m
“Please check her iron, B12, and folate levels. And basically everything, honestly. I feel terrible for this little girl. Six years old and this f**king depressed and won’t even pick up crayons anymore?!”
“Depending on what the doctor and therapist find (and maybe even regardless), dad might need to try and get an emergency custody hearing and try to get her out of there before she’s so damaged she never recovers.”
“Because right now that’s where Mom’s got her heading. Dyann isn’t anywhere near emotionally mature to understand this topic to the degree that mom is trying to force, and all mom is doing is running her into the ground at high speed right now.” – Bri-KachuDodson
“If she is unhealthy and depressed, it is emotional abuse and maybe a form of neglect. The doctor and psychologist will want to make a health plan, and the mother is probably not going to follow it. This could be a basis for getting custody.”
“Def not the AH. If you raise your voice in the defence of your child, or any child, you are a good person.” – Sail_m
“Take her to court for custody. This is child endangerment. Not only is she depriving her of nutrients and harming her physical health, but she’s also filling her head with a lot of stuff she doesn’t need to be worried about at six years old!”
“And mom hasn’t even noticed or addressed the issue at all?! She is delusional if she thinks any of this is healthy. Obviously, there is something wrong with her if she was 38 going after a 22-year-old in the first place. She’s one teacup short of a place setting.” – Lazy-Instruction-600
“A few serious problems here.”
“1. She’s alienating your daughter with her animal cruelty talk and basically painting you as an animal abuser. That’s a huge major no-no, and family courts really do not take kindly to that. I would tell your divorce lawyer that your ex is doing this and is harming your relationship with your kid, and is generally harming your kid.”
“2. She’s forcing a diet your kid is not into, and you see evidence she’s not thriving on it. Is there anything in your divorce agreement about diets and medical decisions regarding your kid? You need to get her evaluated for physical issues, and if she wants to eat vegan, you need to stipulate that it be guided by a certified nutritionist.”
“3. It sounds like your kid is becoming depressed and anxious. She needs to be evaluated by a therapist, a psychiatrist, not just a primary doctor. Kids can get depressed, and it sure sounds like your ex is contributing.”
“4. You need to talk to your lawyer asap and get all this documented to take the next steps. Who has medical decision-making power? Can you take her yourself for a checkup? Or does your ex need to do it?”
“Kind of feels like you need to take control and begin documenting and maybe make plans to take full or primary custody.” – confusedquokka
Others with veganism experience were certain that Dyann was not properly cared for.
“As a vegan parent to a vegan/vegetarian 11-year-old, your ex-wife IS abusing her. Please take her to a doctor for both physical and mental health assessments.”
“Your ex-wife is traumatizing, not educating. That is not okay. The pediatrician can do a quick panel and tell you if anything is off. We do it every six months, I do it with him, never had an issue in five years, but we are what you call ‘junk food vegans.’ I still make all meals, just meatless versions.”
“We have lactose issues, strictly related to cow’s milk enzymes. Guess what? Almond milks come fortified and taste amazing. There’s a lot of accidentally vegan/vegetarian foods out there if your kiddo WANTED to. But seems they are more ‘plant-based,’ and that’s easier for younger kids than showing/telling them violent things to control them to think one way.”
“Which is why the freak outs. Conflict is what she hears during the week to your few weekend days. A lot of home-cooked meals substituted with this or that, goes a long way in helping your kiddo heal with food, and developing an eating disorder can happen this young.”
“So sorry you are having to do this. Some people really go crazy for vegan. Make meals with your daughter. Show her how it’s made so they aren’t freaking out. Avoid meat for the weekends or just the meatless patties subs.”
“I know you may not like it, but help your kid transition into understanding they have a choice, and you will be there to support them, but you can tell they are struggling with the different households and what is being said.”
“A kid therapist would be great for food insecurities, and yes, it is becoming one, she’s freaking out with the dogs chasing squirrels. She needs to understand the food chain properly, and not that humans are just being cruel to animals for food purposes.”
“You have a long journey with your ex, and I’m sorry for the future struggles. I hope you can be there for your daughter and she KNOWS you are there. Best of luck.” – MommaDiz
“The squirrel thing also got me alarmed, as did the eggs thing. She isn’t educated, she is just terrified into veganism.” – SubstantialTwo3075
“I’m a vegetarian with the belief that children can, in fact, eat a vegan or vegetarian diet and get everything they need when done correctly.”
“However, I’m also going to agree with you here. This is absolutely abuse. It’s not about the diet; it’s about the manipulation that’s happening. I do highly doubt that this poor child is getting the proper nutrients as well, but the way this child is being taught about veganism is not only not age-appropriate, it’s also purposefully alienating her from her father.”
“Time for dad to get his child to the doctor and contact his lawyer. If it goes much further, it will also be time to contact CPS.”
“OP, NTA.” – Jaffico
“I’m vegan, and ‘[the daughter] didn’t like vegan food’ made me concerned. Vegan food isn’t all kale juice and raw seaweed; there are lots of kid-friendly foods that are vegan. Why can’t she have some of those?”
“Things like PB&J, cereal with fortified soy milk, pasta with TVP bolognese. Is the ex putting a young kid on some restrictive fad diet that is ostensibly vegan? Because that would be dangerous.” – fruticose_
“A lot of the symptoms he named sound like nutritional deficiencies. I wonder if she’s the type who tests if you can survive on kale smoothies. I’ve been a very happy vegetarian for years, but I know people who try a vegetarian/vegan diet to be trendy, and give up in two days because they think all we eat are salads.”
“I doubt the kid would be as unhappy eating mushroom stroganoff rather than her seventh salad of the week. But she should really be brought to a doctor.” – Kuavska
The OP offered a brief update in the comments.
“I don’t know much about a vegan diet. I know I’m a failure on that part for not looking into veganism. But since you’ve told me this, I will definitely be looking into it now.”
“I don’t know a lot about getting her to a pediatrician and therapist, which is another way I feel I failed as a parent. I assume I could just book an appointment, but with my ex having majority custody, would I not need her permission for that stuff?”
“I didn’t have much money when we divorced, so I didn’t have a good lawyer then, and not now, either. And I know my ex would flip her lid if I sent my daughter to therapy without telling her or consulting her.”
“This situation has really opened my eyes to how much I lack in the actual parenting department that not just watching her, cooking for her, and playing with her.”
“I am gonna demand all this information from my ex. I asked a few times in the past how doctors visit go or when she takes her, but I never had the mind to go in depth on my daughter’s health. I feel like a terrible father right now.”
The subReddit was deeply alarmed about the daughter’s health and the potential risks her mother was taking to force her and frighten her into being vegan.
There was also another critical dynamic at play, which seemed to be purposefully villainizing the OP and his lifestyle, making it easier to drive a wedge between him and his daughter, which might eventually award the mother with full custody, no matter the costs to the daughter’s health and psyche.