Not everyone wants a big, splashy wedding ceremony.
Couples want to make their experience unique.
It’s especially vital for couples who have been together for a long time to make the moment catered to them.
When you already share a home and bills and a decade of time, how necessary is the pomp and circumstance?
If you ask the parents of the betrothed… apparently it’s imperative.
Case in point…
Redditor Careless_Evidence_46 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for having a surprise wedding at mine and my husband’s engagement party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Background: My father (66 M[ale]) suddenly passed away, in February.”
“It’s been a big shock and adjustment for everyone.”
“My now husband (35 M) proposed on my (33 F[emale]) birthday in March, he’d already talked to my mum and dad about it.”
“I’m not a fan of big parties, so my Husband and I decided to do a small celebration for our engagement, have a nice meal at a fancy hotel, and everyone can dress up.”
“The more we planned and the more we talked about it, we thought it would be fun just to get married.”
“We have been together for coming up 10 years.”
“Neither of us wanted a big wedding, so we thought a small surprise wedding would suit us.”
“Especially with my dad passing away I didn’t want a traditional big white wedding.”
“We invited 10 people, my mum, sister, and her partner, his mum, dad, brother, his partner, and daughter.”
“We also invited our best friends (who are also in a relationship).”
“All goes to plan, everyone arrives, and they are escorted into our reserved room where they see a sign saying welcome to the wedding of ‘Husband and OP.'”
“Everyone is surprised.”
“Our officiant gets people in places.”
“My husband and I walk in together.”
“We get married.”
“Both mums sign the marriage certificate.”
“We go for our sit-down meal.”
“Everyone seemed happy at the time, people were laughing.”
“Saying they should have expected it.”
“We had a photographer there to catch their reaction, ceremony, and posed pictures after.”
“We went away locally for a small honeymoon.”
“But when we got back, both my mum and his mum pulled us aside separately to say they were disappointed in us.”
“That we had taken away their opportunity to be with us when we chose a venue, did wedding planning stuff.”
“They are both especially upset they never came wedding dress shopping with me.”
“Which I ironically didn’t even do, I bought an emerald green 1950s bodycon pencil dress online.”
“It was the first and only dress I tried on.”
“AITA for taking away everyone’s chance to be involved with the wedding?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Your wedding, your way!”
“Your mums can feel disappointed but this suited you two.”
“You both agreed that this minimized the insanity and pressure that a big wedding can involve.”
“Both of you are happy.”
“That’s really all that matters.”
“Tell your mums you two could have eloped and no one would have witnessed. Congratulations!” ~ 0kayte
“The mums aren’t owed anything in OP’s wedding.”
“I think this is a great idea!”
“I went to a fancy dress party for a friend’s 50th birthday a couple of years ago.”
“We get there and it’s actually their wedding.”
“They had been together 20 years and only their kids (from previous marriages) knew.”
“The wedding pictures were hilarious!”
“Bride and groom standing for formal family shots (in bridal dress and morning suit) next to Spiderman, a vampire, Willy Wonka, Churchill, and a sexy lion.”
“It was absolutely ludicrous and absolutely perfect.” ~ Capital_Punisher
“This is totally a time you’re allowed to be selfish.”
“If fancy weddings involving a bunch of different people giving their two cents is just something you don’t want to deal with, THEN DONT!”
“OP and spouse’s parents should count themselves lucky that they chose not to elope and included them AT ALL. NTA.” ~ Jedisilk015
“We did the same for our wedding and it was such a fun party, everyone had a blast!!!”
“We both wore somewhat casual beachwear though (we invited everyone to an island, which allowed us reason to have a small guest list… and it Was Halloween)!”
“Which was kinda fun and funny because I’m usually a Morticia Addams goth girl or dress up as Louise from the show Bob’s Burgers for Halloween.”
“Some of our friends dressed as pirates.”
“The pictures were AmaaaZing!!!”
“Congratulations, OP. And you are NTA.”
“If you and your husband decide to throw a 5th-anniversary wedding party, you can have your mom and M[other] I[n] L[aw] do Their Thing (planning, opinions, etc.) and you can renew your vows!” ~ Fickle-Bad992
“EXACTLY this!”
“My mom was being so crazy about our planning that we canceled everything and eloped and didn’t tell anyone until after it was done.”
“She didn’t speak to me for months.”
“I wasn’t mad about it because she literally ruined my wedding.”
“Funnily enough, we just did a vow renewal in Paris where I wore my wedding dress I never got to wear and finally got some beautiful professional photos done with my husband.”
“It was just the two of us and it was absolutely perfect.”
“Weddings are overrated.”
“OP you are NTA and I’m glad your day was exactly what you wanted!” ~ erin_bex
“We eloped for that reason.”
“I had to talk to my asocial husband into just having family at the wedding but then his mom started talking about photographers and all the friends she was going to invite and it got to be too much.”
“So we eloped.”
“My mom was pissed and we didn’t talk for a couple of months.”
“Then his mother brought over a cake, my sister-in-law’s wedding dress, and a nice jacket so that my husband and I could dress up and she could get her pictures.”
“It was funny and ridiculous.”
“But that worked for her.” ~ Itavan
“This. My mom lives in California and I was living in Texas when I got married.”
“I had a specific dress in mind when I got engaged and I commissioned it from a local seamstress.”
“My mom was disappointed not to get to be involved in any dress stuff- but she knew I didn’t owe her any of that.”
“So she made one comment (like a ‘I’m sad I don’t get to be involved in the dress but I love what you’re doing!’ type thing) and that was it.”
“Your moms can feel how they feel, but their feelings are not your responsibility here, and you are uniquely unqualified to help them process those feelings.” ~ oliviamrow
“Absolutely! Too many moms feel that the wedding is in some way theirs as well.”
“Possibly some dads, too, but we don’t generally hear about it.”
“In my first marriage, my MIL offered to do a lot of things for us getting ready last minute.”
“Only she didn’t, she prioritized a bunch of things we didn’t care about.”
“When my ex confronted her (the night before the wedding) she said that she was doing the things that she wished her mom could have done for her wedding, but she had passed away when MIL was a child.” ~ GSV_MoreThanBackPain
“NTA. It was your wedding, not ‘their opportunity.'”
“They shouldn’t be making you feel guilty when you did what you and your husband wanted to do, which wasn’t a big, traditional wedding with a traditional wedding gown and such associated traditions, such as shopping for the dress (I now hate the word tradition).”
“They need to realize that it wasn’t their wedding and that they should be prioritizing your happiness over their own desires.”
“Congrats, by the way!” ~ PreviousWerewolf1398
“Together, you and your husband need to have a conversation with the moms.”
“’Mom, MIL, while we appreciate you didn’t feel included in the planning, our wedding was precisely what we wanted.'”
“‘Something very low-key and with the people that mean the most to us.'”
“‘It hurts that you’re making our wedding about you after the fact.'”
“‘It was a lovely ceremony, celebration, and meal.'”
“‘Please stop commenting and attempting to make us feel guilty.’ NTA.” ~ Beck2010
“What you guys did should become a trend. Brilliant move.”
“You saved yourselves months of arguments and expenditures and craziness that no one in the world should want.”
“Tell them that it would be lovely if they would like to plan and make a party to celebrate the marriage. NTA.” ~ Right_Bee_9809
“NTA… But it’s not unreasonable for Moms to be disappointed at what they perceive was a missed opportunity for them.”
“You don’t need to defend your choices for your wedding but you can acknowledge their feelings.”
“’I understand you’re disappointed but this was our vision for our wedding and we were very happy to be able to share this day with you.'”
“Don’t take it personally.”
“They will get over it.”
“Tell them you will let them plan your 1st-anniversary party or baby shower (if you’re planning for kids).”
“They will be fine.” ~ Alarming_Reply_6286
“NAH. Unless your moms pitched a total fit, they have a right to be disappointed to miss those wedding planning moments that they have been looking forward to since you got engaged.”
“Your mom may have been dreaming about them for years!”
“Be gentle with them and plan some girly post-wedding brunches and shopping trips.”
“Or a (tame) bachelorette party!” ~ Next-Wishbone1404
Well, OP, Reddit is with you and the hubby.
It’s your wedding, your story.
You get to plan the experience how you chose.
Hopefully, your mums will be able to move past this situation.
Focus on your happiness.
Congratulations.