It’s your party, and you can cry (or blow out your candles) if you want.
Birthdays can be a special day, especially for kids.
Kids love a good birthday, and they LOVE a good cake.
One of the big highlights of the day is blowing out the candles and making a wish.
Sometimes, this special moment can be commandeered unexpectedly.
Redditor Inside_Bunch_2890 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITAH for not letting my husband relight my daughter’s birthday candles for my 3-year-old to blow out?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I 32 F[emale] have seen and read plenty of stories where spoiled kids have blown out other kid’s candles or thrown a fit when they’re not allowed to.”
“My husband, 35 M[ale], apparently has not.”
“Friday was my daughter’s 10th birthday.”
“The day of I will make them the food of their choice and a small cake, the party is usually at a later date.”
“After we ate, we got her cake ready, and my 3-year-old was very excited.”
“I had explained to him all throughout the day that it was his sister’s birthday, not his, so he had to wait for the cake.”
“We lit the candles, sang Happy Birthday, and she blew out the candles.”
“This might be where I might have been the a**hole.”
“My husband grabbed the lighter and tried to relight them ‘So the baby could blow them out too.'”
“I said, “NO. It’s our daughter’s birthday, and I refuse to allow our son to be one of those spoiled kids who can’t understand it’s not their day.'”
“His face fell immediately.”
“He said he was just trying to help and keep the baby happy.”
“We dropped it there.”
“He was kinda quiet the rest of the night.”
“I didn’t mean to come off harsh.”
“I just didn’t want my daughter to feel like she had to share her day or that it wasn’t all about her.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, Reddit… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. My mom made me wait until I was 12 to have my ears pierced.”
“She had various vague reasons why.”
“All of my friends had them pierced years earlier and wore cute earrings, so for several years, I really looked forward to having mine done.”
‘On the day of that big birthday, I got called down to the school office–my mom was picking me up to take me to have my ears pierced.”
“I had hyped it up in my mind for weeks beforehand.”
“Mom had my younger sister (8) in tow.”
“I didn’t think much of it because it was later in the day, and she never let my sister come home to an empty house.”
“Once we got to the place where the piercing would be done, I found out she had made appointments for both of us.”
“Totally ruined my birthday.”
“Why did I have to wait until I was 12, but she could just get them whenever?”
“Why did I get my ears pierced as a birthday present, and she got them pierced just because?”
“I might have forgiven, but that’s the kind of thing you don’t forget.”
“It also made me dislike my sister for quite some time, although now that I’m an adult, I recognize that wasn’t her fault at all.”
“Good on you for not spoiling your baby.” ~ Budget_Computer_427
“I’ve seen the TikToks where the birthday child gets to blow out their candles and then their younger siblings, and sometimes cousins, get to also blow out the candles.”
“You know what I don’t see in those videos?”
“The birthday kid smiling.”
“They look so sad and depressed as they watch kid after kid get to blow out the candles on THEIR birthday cake.”
“Kids need to learn it’s not their day.”
“They get their own day where only they get to blow out the candles.”
“They need to let others do the same.”
“It’s not ‘cute’ when a younger sibling gets the attention on an older sibling’s birthday.”
“It’s taking away the specialness of the day from the actual birthday person.” ~ EnfysMae
“NTA this seems to most often happen for the younger siblings only.”
“Post sounds like this was the first time meaning he didn’t try relighting at the baby’s birthday for the daughter to also blow out.”
“It’s important to teach kids to let others have their days.”
“It’s also important not to treat siblings differently.” ~ No-Accountant3744
“NTA. Your daughter’s birthday isn’t a teaching moment for your toddler, it’s her moment.”
“You’re not being harsh, you’re setting a boundary.”
“The ‘let the little one blow out the candles too’ thing seems harmless until it becomes a habit that teaches them everything is about them.”
“You handled it exactly right.” ~ figspark392
“Actually, I would argue it is a teaching moment, and OP did the exact right thing.”
“She taught her family on someone’s birthday, they are celebrated and they blow out the candle.”
“Everyone will get their day, no need for a ‘fake’ blow of the candles.”
“There are other ways to keep a 3-year-old happy.”
“Maybe you could have been gentler in your tone, but it’s hard in the moment.’
“Have a private talk with your S[ignificant] O[ther] and explain your reasoning.”
“NTA. Great parenting.” ~ Tinymoonflower
“NTA – My niece/nephews are those spoiled kids you’ve read about.”
“They’re awful, and are the biggest reason we stopped hanging out with that entire side of the family.”
“THANK YOU for not letting your kids become that.” ~ shewearsheels
“NTA. I f**king hate that.”
“That’s so dumb.”
“I don’t care about my birthday much, but I give it honor for my mom.”
“My baby cousin once asked to blow the candles out.”
“And he cried when I blew them out before everyone was done singing so he wouldn’t.”
“They asked if I could light them again for him.”
“I told them not even MY siblings got to, why should he?”
“My siblings are spread out older and younger.”
“So since it was a big deal, I got a cupcake out and put a candle on.”
“The whole family of kids did it in order.”
“When it was his turn he didn’t want to because it was no longer special since everyone did it.”
“So no center of attention for him?”
“And it made his parents more mad?”
“See where this entitlement leads?”
“It doesn’t even make sense.” ~ poorladlemonadestand
“NTA. Kids need to learn it’s not all about them and how to regulate disappointments.”
“Also, it seems small but it matters between siblings.”
“You should be fair.”
“I just watched some old home videos and for my older sister’s birthday, I wanted to blow out the candles too but they told me no and to wait for my birthday.”
“Then a short while later it was my birthday, and well guess who got to blow out her own set of candles too?”
“My sister. On my birthday.”
“I have felt that preference my parents have for her my entire life.”
“I’m very loved but it’s always hurt to know in a thousand little ways they favor her.”
“The lengths they’ve gone to limit her discomfort have also been a disservice to her as she’s become an adult.”
“She’s been insulated from the consequences of her poor decision-making by them time and time again.” ~ heretolearnthingz
“NTA. As a teacher, thank you for not raising entitled children.”
“They WILL act this way at school if you let them get away with it at home.”
“Kids need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them, and teaching them these boundaries young is imperative.”
“Great job mom!!!” ~ BirdOnRollerskates
“NTA but it’s not clear, was it your son or your husband who was quiet the rest of the night?”
“And also did your son ask for it or did your husband just do it by reflex?”
“Your story seems to imply that it was all your husband’s doing without your son even asking for it.” ~ Significant-Half-189
OP came back with an update…
“I have had a sit down with my husband, and we have come to an understanding.”
“But before I get into that, I wanted to address some things.”
“I received a lot of comments about 3 not being a baby.”
“We are aware.”
“We do not call him baby.”
“First, my son will correct anyone who doesn’t call him by his name.”
“Second, my 10 10-year-old daughter doesn’t have issues being kind and sharing.”
“I didn’t ask her because she’s the kind of kid that will say yes to make you happy even if that’s not what she wants.”
“I was able to tell on her face she was happy I said no for her.”
“Thirdly, ‘the toddler’ didn’t ask to blow out the candles or show any interest in the candles.”
“His sole focus was the cake.”
“He didn’t cry, get mad, or throw a fit.”
“He was happy with his slice of cake.”
“Lastly, my husband is not masagonistic and doesn’t usually play favorites.”
“He encourages all our kids to be the best they can be. “
“He tells the girls they can be anything they want, and being a girl will not stop them.”
“His thing with the 3-year-old is he’s our last, so he’s trying to be as involved as he can.”
Oh and as stated above this wasn’t a party it was our intimate celebration before the party in 2 weeks.
“Now, on to the update.”
“We had a conversation about that night. “
“I apologized for my tone and for referring to the kids as mine.”
“I told him my intent was not to come off so harshly.”
“I just didn’t want my daughter to feel like we were taking her moment.”
“He apologized for attempting to relight the candles, especially while they were still on the cake.”
“He really wasn’t thinking of the grand scheme.”
“He just thought our son would like to have a turn.”
“He did realize he wasn’t thinking about how our daughter would feel, and that’s why he got kind of quiet.”
“He stayed thinking about our daughter after the fact.”
“He had a conversation with our daughter, letting her know she’s important, and he didn’t mean to take away from her moment.”
“So all is well in this household.”
“Thank you for all your opinions on the matter!”
It’s always nice to hear when there is a happy ending.
Reddit clearly had your back, OP.
There was no actual villain in this story.
Your husband had his heart in the right place.
But you were right to correct course with this kind of behavior.
Kids need to learn things like this early.
Before they become TikTok famous for bad behavior.