There is a very fine line between something being “loaned” to someone and something being “given.”
It is generally understood that a “loaned” item is expected to be returned one day in the same condition it was when it was lent.
Whereas if an item is “given” to you, you have a bit more freedom as to what you might do with it, including alter it’s appearance, or even give it away.
However, before doing anything to the item in your possession, it is vitally important to know if this item was “given” to you or “lent” to you.
Redditor Capable-Schedule-864 was more than happy to lend her stepdaughter something that held pretty high value to her for a very special occasion.
However, the original poster (OP) was not at all pleased to discover her stepdaughter ended up selling this very valuable item simply so she could make an expensive purchase for herself.
Leading the OP to ground her stepdaughter.
After being told by her husband that she went too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for grounding my stepdaughter for selling my formal dress?”
The OP explained why she felt her stepdaughter deserved to be grounded:
“I 37 F[emale] have a stepdaughter, Amy, 16 F[emale].”
“Amy was looking for formal dresses, and I mentioned that I have my old formal dresses.”
“She picked my old prom dress to wear, and she has kept it in her wardrobe since wearing it at prom.”
“I don’t fit in my old dresses anymore, and I kept them and some other clothes to hand down to my kids. However, I have two sons who aren’t interested.”
“Since my nieces, 15 F and 13 F are interested in my clothes, I planned to give them the rest once they were old enough to fit them.”
“Amy left her earbuds in her sweatpants pocket and turned on the washing machine.”
“When she asked for new ones, me and her dad told her to save up to buy new ones (she works part time) as she wanted an expensive brand new pair and not the wired earphones I had offered.”
“Amy went to stay with her mom, and when she got back, she had the new earbuds she wanted, so I asked if her mom had bought them for her, and she said she had resold my dress on a second-hand site and bought herself the earphones.”
“The dress is 100% silk, one of a kind, and the brand doesn’t exist anymore.”
“I was really upset to hear she had sold my dress without even asking.”
“I confiscated her earbuds and told her I would give them back when she repaid me the cost of what she sold the dress for.”
“My husband thinks I am being too harsh, as I wasn’t explicit on whether I was lending or giving her the dress.”
“Amy has gone to live with her mom since and thinks I am being unfair.”
“I am not sure if I have taken it too far and if I should stand my ground.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they felt the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed the OP was not the a**hole for grounding her stepdaughter for selling her dress.
Many felt that the OP was more than justified in grounding her stepdaughter, even going so far as to say they weren’t hard enough on her.
“Oh HELL no, NTA.”
“I would be livid at Amy if she were my kid or stepdaughter.”
“She’s lucky she’s not getting a worse punishment.”
“Your consequences fit perfectly.”
“I would be very careful about her stealing other things of mine.”- amazonchic2
“NTA.”
“I’d hate to assume this was any sort of retaliation, but we will never know.”
“Simple thing would have been for her to have a conversation with you regarding if you wanted it back or not.”
“To which I’m sure you’d told her no at that time.”
“I think it’s important to teach kids responsibility.”
“Too many kids these days don’t have that and hold a sense of entitlement.”
“As far as her dad, your husband, he needs to get on that boat with it.”
“Hopefully, further conversation with him can create a better understanding of where your head is about the situation.”
“It’s important you both are on the same page about allowing the continued behavior.”- anonymous_ghost717
“NTA.”
“And you are underreacting.”
“She’s lucky you haven’t pressed charges already as the dress was probably worth quite a lot just on materials alone.”
“I’d be letting your husband know charges will be filed if the money/dress is not returned within 1 week.”
“She stole from you.”
“Moving to her mom’s, where she probably was given new earbuds anyway, isn’t a punishment, and she learns nothing besides that you and Dad are pushovers.”
“She knew she wasn’t supposed to sell the dress, that’s why she kept it a secret until she was confronted.”
“You will never be able to trust her again, and you may never get your dress back.”
“But her immediately returning the money, sincerely apologizing, and getting in touch with whoever she sold it to trying to get it back would have gone a long way with making this not as awful as it was.”
“Your husband needs to step up as a parent and discipline his thief child now before this goes too far.”
“The next person she steals from will not be so lenient.”- YogurtApart1411
“NTA damn you lent her a sentimental irreplaceable dress and she sells it behind your back?”
“Just entitlement and straight-up disrespect.”
“Doesn’t matter if you didn’t say the words ‘this is a loan’, like isn’t it basic decency to not sell something that doesn’t belong to you and you didn’t pay for?”
“Grounding her is teaching her that actions have consequences.”
“Stand your ground!”- Front-Palpitation362
“NTA.”
“She needs to contact the person who purchased it and let them know it was sold without permission.”
“I would be livid.”- Hopel3sslyDevoted
“NTA.”
“She’s old enough to know to not to sell things that don’t belong to her.”- PeregrineTopaz06
“‘My husband thinks I am being too harsh, as I wasn’t explicit on whether I was lending or giving her the dress’.”
“Then they should have ASKED.”
“But I’d say she knew, given she didn’t say anything about listing it and posting it until it was too late to stop her.”
“NTA.”- eggosarentrealfood
There were some, however, who had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or her stepdaughter, feeling the OP didn’t make it clear that the dress was a loan, and her stepdaughter shouldn’t have sold it without consulting her either:
“ESH, OP should have been more clear on if she was only lending the dress or gifting the dress while the stepdaughter should have asked before selling the dress, though in this case I feel like the onus is on the adult to clearly communicate vs relying on a teen to clarify the situation.”
“The dad is also in the wrong here, as a bio parent you NEVER allow a stepparent to punish your child for an issue they caused in the first place, in this case, that being OPs lack of communication.”- Traditional_Cap_172
Others felt that the OP had no one to blame but herself, as she made it seem like she was gifting her dress to her stepdaughter, not loaning it:
“YTA.”
“If you genuinely didn’t tell her that you were just lending her this dress.”
“Who lends a teenager an item of clothing that is valuable and ‘one of a kind’ and doesn’t make it clear it’s a loan and ask for it back immediately afterward?”
“If it was clear to her that it was a loan, NTA.”
“But if someone let me take an item of clothing that was too small for them, wear it to a party like prom where it could get damaged, and never asked for it back, I’d probably assume it was mine too.”
“And if it was hers, it was her right to sell it.”
“What did she say when you confronted her?”
“Did she say that, in her understanding, you had given her the dress?”- detail_giraffe
“YTA.”
“Be explicit in what you want next time.”
“If you’re giving her the dress then it was hers to do as she wanted.”
“If you only wanted her to borrow the dress, then you should have took it back once prom ended.”- DPRxHysteria
If the OP wanted her stepdaughter to return the dress to her, then it was important for her to make it clear that the dress was her’s to borrow, not to keep.
Even so, seeing as the OP’s stepdaughter knew well enough that that dress meant a lot to the OP, you’d think she would have at least checked in before selling it.
A sad lesson for both of them to learn the consequences of poor communication.