One of the most divisive subjects that parents will ever have to address when they're first having a child is whether they will breast or bottle-feed their infant.
There's also the question of how publicly or privately they will do so, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor madfrogparty had chosen to breastfeed her baby and was in the regular practice of pumping breastmilk, and she had to decide whether or not to answer the door when a delivery man appeared.
When she saw the delivery man's reaction to covering up while pumping, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong to answer the door.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for greeting the delivery man while wearing and operating a breast bump?"
The OP was in a pumping routine at home.
"I (33 Female) am currently pumping six times a day for breast milk. My newborn had tongue tie and difficulty latching, so I am exclusively pumping."
"At home, when it's just me and my husband, I don't cover up to pump. When I have company over, I wear a cover over the pumps (nothing wrong with not wearing a cover... I'm just personally not comfortable pumping with my nipples exposed in front of my in-laws, parents, friends, etc)."
A delivery man recently showed up while she was pumping.
"Yesterday, my front lawn camera triggered a notification, and I saw the delivery guy walking up to my house with a package that I was expecting."
"I was mid-pump, so I texted my husband, but he replied that he was in the middle of a work meeting and could not come to the door."
"After ringing the doorbell and receiving no answer, I could see on the security cam that he was writing the missed delivery slip for pickup at the post office."
"Honestly, it's such a pain because you have to wait until the next day and drive all the way to the post office. So I decided... screw it, and threw on my cover and opened the front door."
"He looked very shocked and very uncomfortable to see me: I had my pump clipped to my waist, a cover over the flanges, so while no breast or nipples were exposed, you could tell there was the outline of something attached to my chest, some tubing visible, and obvious pump noises and possibly audible milk spray."
The OP was confident that she was fully covered.
"Sidenote: I just pumped again, so this time I took a picture with the exact cover I was wearing (so no nips/breasts exposed, but definitely obvious that I was pumping):"
u/madfrogparty/Reddit/Imgur
But the OP was surprised at the delivery man's reaction.
"He basically cleared his throat, shifted, and looked away while I signed for the delivery."
"Then as he handed me the package, he kind of winced and said, 'You know you didn't have to open the door in your... state. It's nothing urgent.'"
"I replied, 'Yeah, but I don't want to make a trip to the post office to pick it up when you're already here.'"
"He seemed quite annoyed and said, 'I think you should realize that this makes others uncomfortable.'"
"At that point, I felt quite annoyed and said rather sarcastically, 'My bad for traumatizing you. Hope no one else on your delivery route answers the door with medical equipment.'"
The OP's husband sided with her and her appearance.
"When I told my husband, he rolled his eyes and said, 'That guy needs to get over himself.'"
"But thinking about it, I wonder if I was being an inconsiderate AH."
"Perhaps this is different from breastfeeding or pumping in public? There, you are minding your own business, and others can look away, and you are not 'making' them look at you. By answering the door, I was maybe forcing him to interact with me while I was in a state that some might find uncomfortable?"
"I wonder if I've misunderstood some kind of social contract here."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was being appropriate, especially in her own home.
"NTA. You're in your own home, and you were totally covered. This man needs to grow up and understand that his job requires him to visit people in their personal spaces. You didn't flash him, you were basically fixing your kid lunch."
"What an absurd reaction for him to expect you to inconvenience yourself on the off-chance you might accidentally offend someone by doing something entirely inoffensive." - SpicyTurtle38
"You did nothing wrong and are 1000 percent NTA."
"I have the Elvie and pump while working, while driving, while doing dishes, and I even went to target once."
"I also breastfeed in public. If my kid is hungry, they will eat."
"People can f**k right off if they are uncomfortable with a kid eating." - Lamacorn
"It's exactly as if you're breastfeeding, and someone arrives at your door. Either you won't answer, or you will stand up from the bed/couch and open the door with your baby at your breast. It happens. I don't think there's anything wrong with it." - sdlucly
"So grateful for your baby to have a mom with this attitude! I was determined to be the same way, but then a medical complication kept me from breastfeeding my only child. It broke my heart, but it was the right choice for my baby."
"I always kind of wished I had been able to, not only for the intimacy and closeness with my baby but also so I could be out and proud about it in public." - astarredbard
"I used to be a delivery driver, and it wasn't uncommon for women to answer the door while breastfeeding."
"I'm a 32-year-old man; I never found it to be odd or strange; it's just one of those things you need to accept you'll come across since you're so close to people's personal space in your job."
"Obviously, there's an initial surprise because it's not every door that answers like that, but I hope I did a pretty good job at acting unfazed and leaving them feeling dignified." - Impressive_Spring864
Others were surprised the delivery guy had such a reaction, given the OP's outfit.
"I was picturing something really obvious the way OP was describing it, and then I saw the photo. That could be... anything under there: lumpy boobs, several other medical devices... In fact, if I saw the pump at the waist, I would assume it was some kind of feeding tube thing. That guy needs to get over himself."
"Although I will say, I would have (and have if I was in a robe, didn't feel like/have time to put on clothes, was sick) cracked the door, greeted him, had him hand me the electronic signature unit, signed it and passed it back."
"And told him to leave the package on the porch. He probably would have thought she was worried about the pandemic or strange men. They need a signature. They don't need to see me full-length to deliver a package."
"So, so NTA." - SolarPerfume
"I imagine carriers have had mothers answer the door while feeding their babies. I mean, do throw a cover on, but even then, OP was more covered than with a baby."
"Note for OP: You do not have to go to the post office. Follow the instructions on the form and go online. You can schedule delivery for the next day, which is the earliest you can get a package anyway. Just sign your form and leave it where they will leave your package. It's been years since I stood in line at the post office." - Traverl691
"Literally. I'm a mobile dog groomer, and I've seen everything from people in their jammies to fresh and frantic from the shower, trying to wrangle their dog and a towel. I've even had nursing moms answer with baby latched. Who cares, the whole point of these services is the customer gets to stay in the comfort of their home." - Petraretrograde
"NTA."
"As a former mail carrier, I'm surprised the mail carrier said anything at all, because I've seen it all!"
"A man wrapped in a towel in the middle of shaving. Women breastfeeding. A nude woman in a cover-up that really didn't cover up anything. A man yelling 'just a second' opened the door, wearing just basketball shorts... with an explicit [adult video] paused on the biggest TV screen I ever saw! (I actually blushed at this one.)"
"A two- to three-year-old who escaped out the open door, butt naked (just wearing a shirt) because they were potty training. A woman who was pumping and didn't cover up at all."
"I could go on and on with what I saw in 25 years working for the Post Office. You covered up while pumping would be no big deal to me." - pinkflamingo-fj
"My mom tells everyone the story of when I was like four months old, and the mailman came, she opened the door holding me and I just s**t myself, it went through the diaper, she got poop all over her and the mailman was like, 'Oops, I can sign it for you... you go take care of that.'"
"Mailmen witness the nastiest stuff, I'm sure. This one must have been in a mood. Especially after seeing your picture, you did NOTHING wrong." - Muffinuffie
The subReddit was ready to throw their hands up over this one, questioning what the delivery guy was thinking or what his problem was. Breastfeeding is a perfectly natural and innocent act, and that includes pumping milk. When a mother is providing for her baby and her baby is hungry, it doesn't matter who is knocking at the door.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp