The heart wants what it wants.
That age-old saying has stirred a significant amount of drama for generations.
Whether it be about love or business, that darn-hungry heart can be a problem.
If someone is into you and they dated someone close to you first, is it really wrong to date them if they're now free?
If you and a loved one are both up for a job position, is it really the right thing to do to step aside if you "owe them" something?
Case in point...
Redditor Calm-Chapter-6708 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for taking a job even though my step-sister wanted it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (26 F[emale]) have a stepsister, Maggie (28)."
"We work in similar fields."
"Recently, my stepdad's (Maggie's dad) brother let him know of a job opportunity with a company owned by an old acquaintance of theirs."
"My stepdad mentioned it to both me and Maggie, and we both sent our resumés in for it."
"I ended up getting offered the job."
"Maggie was ballistic, calling me to scream at me, posting a litany of stuff about me on social media, bashing me to the whole family saying how I am out to 'take everything from her.'"
"She says I owed it to her to turn down the job so that she could have it after everything I put her through."
"Full disclosure, my boyfriend of two years used to date Maggie."
"They dated for four months before she brought him over to introduce to our family."
"My B[oy]F[riend] was - in his words - instantly smitten with me, even though we barely spoke over the course of the meal, and he broke up with Maggie two days later."
"He pursued me for a year before I agreed to go out with him, we've been together two years and we're getting engaged this winter."
"I get that Maggie is still mad about that, but I don't think that one thing should mean that for the rest of my life, I have to bend over backward to give her what she wants."
"AITA for taking the job?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"You sound kinda smug that you caused your stepsister's boyfriend to dump her and then started dating him."
"Since your stepdad mentioned the job to both of you, I'd say you weren't the a**hole in this situation (you were a better applicant)."
"NTA (in this situation), but you kinda seem like an a**hole in general." ~ Sevagara
"No, she doesn't, LOL."
"She literally just described what happened. Anyway, NTA." ~ NightAtTheBeach
"So he did the one thing everyone on Reddit tells cheaters they should have done before cheating."
"He didn't cheat on Maggie with OP."
"He broke up with Maggie when he realized he likes someone else more and didn't date OP straight away."
"OP took a year to say yes, which means he had liked her for three times as long as he had dated Maggie."
"And yet, OP is just supposed to bend over and give up a job that she had been deemed more suitable for than Maggie."
"There is also no guarantee that Maggie would have gotten the job even if OP gave it up."
"OP is NTA." ~ Environmental_Art591
"It kinda sounds like he realized he had feelings for someone else and broke off his current relationship."
"You can't control how you feel."
"He did the most responsible thing."
"What was he supposed to do, try and cheat?"
"String the other girl along?"
"I think it's stupid to act like he's some sort of monstrous pig for this."
"They dated for four months. It's not like they were talking about getting married."
"And yeah, it's questionable that this chick would go out with him, but it was certainly not immediately, and we have no idea what their relationship is like."
"I have stepsisters that I, as an adult, do not speak with or ever see because we don't get along."
"Is their relationship that bad?"
"Who knows, but s**t happens in life. Neither of them had poor intentions, and they did the best they could with the situation."
"I can certainly understand why her older stepsister would feel upset and where she is coming from."
"Losing your s**t and blaming someone for every bad thing in your life is not an acceptable reaction."
"Also, for everyone saying she sounds 'smug,' literally how??"
"Give me examples."
"She is describing what happened in a blunt manner."
"And from that comment, she clearly doesn't love the situation and feels bad." ~ kitkatpaddiewack
"The BF broke up with the stepsister two days after they met, then pursued her for a year. How the hell is OP responsible for the feelings of others?"
"OP is NTA here, and it seems as if OP was the better candidate for this job. Stepsister needs to work on herself."
"Imagine being party to that abuse. Slap a 'Do Not Hire' sign here." ~ Riverversed
"There's a reason people say this. It's because, if you care about your friend/sister/whoever, you don't want to hurt them."
"And dating someone with whom they may have a painful history would likely hurt them."
"THIS is why people do things like ask 'permission' before getting into a relationship with a friend/family member's ex."
"It's not about ownership."
"It's about protecting the feelings of someone you care about by letting them know that their feelings matter to you and you respect their choice."
"It's also about not starting a relationship on a negative/conflicted foundation."
"OP disregarded her stepsister's feelings by doing what she did in the way that she seems to have done it."
"Her relationship with this man may be going well, but it has clearly tanked the relationship she has with her sibling."
"At this point, her step-sister's feelings on the matter do not seem to be about still loving or feeling entitled to this guy, but about feeling disregarded and even betrayed by OP."
"And, she is not necessarily wrong to be feeling that way."
"OP is not an AH for taking the job, but before she whines about having to 'bend over backward' for the 'rest of her life' to appease her sister."
"I'd be interested in knowing if she's done anything to try to make it right with her stepsister before." ~ AVDisco
"NTA about the job bc, fair enough, they offered it to you."
"If you turn it down, there is no guarantee they will offer it to her."
"That said, I'm glad you're not my sister."
"The boyfriend thing was savage."
"There are so many fish in the sea." ~ Travelcat67
"NTA for taking the job."
"Dad told you both."
"Had she gotten the job, would you have been mad?"
"Only one of you can have it."
"HOWEVER, as for the boyfriend, unless your sister broke up with him, and then you guys met up again later in life, this wasn't a great look for you."
"He broke up with her because of meeting you at the family's house."
"Even if you waited a year, she knows he broke up with her as soon as he met you." ~ Fear_The_Rabbit
"Honestly, it's extremely f**king weird that the dude barely spoke to you at a meet-the-family function and then broke up with his girlfriend for you."
"That's on him, but on you... I would have stopped talking to him after he broke up with my stepsister?"
"Instead of giving him the chance to keep asking me out for a year?"
"Like literally why were you even in contact with this random guy that you only knew as your stepsister's a**hole date to a family dinner?"
"I would say I'm surprised you didn't ignore or block him, but I guess 'attention seeking and self-centered horny 23-year-old' is some kind of archetype."
"NTA for the job thing."
"It sounds like you were both given the information about the job at the same time and both encouraged to apply; you apparently didn't even know she was also applying until rather late in the process."
"Also, stepsister needs to work on her emotional regulation because going ballistic at you and on social media is probably just making her look unhinged."
"But her situation does definitely suck."
"And I highly doubt you have bent over backward for her in any way, so I'm confused by what you mean about 'bending over backward for her forever.'"
"When was the last time you did something meaningful to help her out?"
"What was it?"
"She probably is just trying to forget that you exist, but Dad is over here making that difficult." ~ Jrreddig
"OP was in contact with a man she met once and didn't even talk to!"
"The lunch was the first time she met him."
"She says he was smitten, but I think she was too."
"Trying to make it seem ok because it was 'a year later,' but it was also a year of keeping in contact. The job thing NTA but yikes about the BF." ~ Travelcat67
"NTA about the job."
"You did not take it from her - the company made the decision to offer it to you based on your qualifications and, I assume, your interview."
"And, even if you did turn it down, there was no guarantee that they would offer the position to your step-sister as opposed to some other candidate."
"Now, about the boyfriend - it seems like that is the real reason why she is mad, but that isn't what this post is asking for judgment on." ~ bamf1701
"Come on, girl."
"Be for real. Did you really want that job?"
"I can't help but feel like you did it because she wanted it."
"You stole her man, because I refuse to believe you two barely spoke that night."
"You can't pay me enough to believe that."
"Going off the assumption that you actually wanted the job NTA, but your step-sister isn't either because it definitely looks like you like robbing her." ~ Stitch_Fan
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
This is a sticky situation.
You were chosen as an employee and as a partner.
The hiring was out of your control.
You waited a year to be a partner.
It sounds like you and Maggie may need a big sit-down, maybe with a therapist or mediator.
Hopefully, the relationship can be salvaged.
If that's what you want.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp