Growing older isn't easy.
The body goes through many changes.
A lot of those changes leave people in difficult situations.
Navigating these situations can stir a lot of tension amongst loved ones.
Redditor u/LilMissChocolatine wanted to share their experience and get feedback, so they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for asking my grandpa to change his diaper?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My family thinks I HATE my grandfather."
"He's still very mobile and of sound mind, but he had surgery done on his private area after beating cancer that requires him to wear a diaper."
"He likes to wait until it is completely full to change it."
"Recently, we went on a trip 3 hours from our city; we stopped at a nice, clean place to use the restroom, and I told everybody to go."
"He said, 'No, I'm going to wait until I'm leaking.'"
"He constantly leaks until his diaper is full."
"I texted my grandmother and told her to tell him that he needed to go to the bathroom. "
"She told me, 'There's nothing I can do,' and then she got very irritated with me."
"We drove further into town to go to a shop, and he screamed, 'Stop, I need to use the bathroom.'
"Now, we aren't at a nice, clean place; we are at a raggedy gas station bathroom in a bad neighborhood."
"When he got out of the car, I told my grandmother that he shouldn't wait until he is leaking because he's peed on my family's couch and both of his daughters' couches. "
"She screamed, 'You guys talk about him behind his back?!!! Now I can't ever go to any of your houses ever again, and I dont have any friends.'"
"She does."
"Then she burst out crying."
"She said, 'We can't tell him when to go to the bathroom because we have to let him decide until he can't anymore.'"
"I told my mom what happened, and she said that I was bashing my grandpa."
"My whole family thinks I hate him because I told him he needs to change his diaper before it's leaking."
"He's 81."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"ESH. You can’t make him do anything."
"You should also realize that your poor grandmother has probably had it up to here with him, too."
"She’s probably the one washing her own couches and chairs and car and bed and his clothes."
"What you can do is buy a bunch of puppy pee pads and insist he sits on them, and say directly to him: 'When you decide to stop leaking, you don’t have to sit on these. Until then, I’m protecting the car/sofa/etc.'" ~ utahforever79
"A grown man who is fully aware and KNOWS that he is leaking his pi*s and sh*t all over the place is 1000% the as*hole."
"And whoever is enabling his DISGUSTING behavior is as well."
"Pi*s and sh*t are hazards."
"He’s ruined multiple couches because he is doing this on purpose."
"You should volunteer to be his nurse and clean up every one of his messes." ~ Strict-Ad597
"Ruining people's couches when you're completely sound-minded is out of line."
"The family making you out to be the bad guy for setting basic boundaries is totally wild." ~ VelvetFever6551
"100% agreed."
"Absolutely, unequivocally."
"Relevant context: I am incontinent."
"My bladder retired from duty four years ago, when I was 34."
"I have a neurostimulator implanted to help AND am dependent on diapers because the neurostim is NOT 100%."
"It only gives me about 60-80% control back."
"I leak constantly otherwise—all the time."
"And sometimes, I just void completely with no input from me whatsoever."
"THAT SAID: it is entirely my responsibility to take care of my messes."
"Well, that and my husband, who helps take care of me (I'm disabled)."
"I take extra diapers everywhere."
"Yes, they are expensive."
"I hate that".
"Unfortunately, it's expensive being sick."
"But holy sh*t, I would be MORTIFIED if I were to soil someone's furniture and then just ignored it!!!"
"And yes, the grandfather is 100% TA."
"If he is of sound mind, he is the as*hole."
"You, OP, are not."
"Just because someone's body doesn't work properly doesn't mean it's the responsibility of everyone around to take care of the mess."
"It's unpleasant, but it's life."
"Society can help make things easier, but ultimately, our bodily functions are OUR OWN responsibilities!"
"And urine, unlike some people seem to misunderstand, is NOT sterile."
"I am prescribed a medication TO keep my urine sterile (turns it into formaldehyde) because it gets infected far too easily, what with the natural bacteria and whatnot."
"It is not sterile by default."
"It is a HAZARD."
"I just hate it when people give disabled people a free pass to be gross or inconvenience others just because we have it hard."
"I don't want to be treated like I'm incapable of being a decent human being simply because my body is broken."
"Sorry for the rant." ~ AllowMe-Please
"NTA - grandpa is of sound mind, and grandma is enabling him by allowing this to continue, and completely misdirecting her anger."
"Grandpa needs to use the bathroom like the other 99% of people on the planet that aren’t babies or completely senile; the whole thing is disgusting."
"I would refuse to be around him." ~ scrunchie_one
"You are not bashing him."
"God, you're the only one treating him like an adult."
"He's going to give himself complications or rashes or infections sitting in a wet diaper like that all day, f*cking hell NTA." ~ ColdBrewMouse
"NTA. Grandma crying that she can't visit anyone's house tells you she's embarrassed and exhausted, and she heard your comment as blame."
"My nonno was the same after his surgery; what worked was his doctor telling him he'd ignore all of us but never the man in the white coat." ~ Realistic_Powers
"NTA. I do think there is some kind of family dynamic going on that you are unaware of, though."
"Their reactions are irrational."
"You are correct that he needs to change his diaper more frequently, but you are not in charge of him."
"All you could do is maybe use some preventative measures to protect the furniture." ~ kwyl
"I can empathize."
"The last time we did a road trip with my elderly F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw], he refused to use the bathroom at a rest area like everyone else because he was comfortable and didn’t feel like getting out of the car."
"You guessed it, barely 10 minutes later down the highway, he yelled, 'I gotta use the bathroom!'”
"It took us another 5 minutes to make it to an exit and hunt down a gas station where he could go, but by then, he’d already sh*t his pants."
"NTA. Make him sit on pee pads in the car until he’s ready to take care of his own toileting; if not for his own comfort, then for the safety and comfort of those around him." ~ ErieCanalGal
"NTA. That’s very unhealthy for him."
"Waiting till it’s leaking means everything stays on his skin."
"He could end up with skin breakdown, rashes, wounds, etc.; then that’ll just cause more problems."
"Plus, he’s ruining furniture."
"I get he may not want to deal with changing; it’s embarrassing and kind of humiliating."
"He may not want to buy extra diapers."
"But he’s a grown adult and needs to care for himself properly." ~ yukidaviji
"NTA. But also grandpa can almost certainly wear a urinary sheath and bag and avoid the incontinence altogether."
"Sheath is worn like a condom."
"A tube from the tip runs to a bag that’s usually strapped to the calf or thigh."
"Bags last for a week at a time, so they’re cheaper as well as being easier to deal with - the bag has a spout you aim at a toilet/urinal to empty."
"There are specialist bowel and bladder nurses; he needs a consult with one." ~ RafRafRafRaf
"It’s the best thing to push back because it’s also not healthy for him to be sitting in his own waste for hours."
"He might not have fully come to terms with what he experienced or is experiencing."
"Might need therapy and also for others to be firm/not enabling."
"If I encounter a human infant that’s been in a soiled diaper for hours, my immediate reaction is concern." ~ flmdicaljcket
OP came back with some updates...
"He only leaks pee; he can go number 2 by himself."
"I am going to look into seeing if he can get his diapers covered by insurance because it never occurred to me that he might not want to waste them since he pays out of pocket."
"Also, he doesn't have dementia; he has seen a neurologist recently."
"We've decided to call the diapers, protection to better accommodate the new change."
"He wears suspenders and says it is hard to take them off and his pants and his shoes, and then put the new 'protection' on, all in a small bathroom, so he was avoiding it to remain 'comfortable.'"
"We are going to look into some of the medical devices you guys suggested."
"Side note: he was only leaking pee."
"He didn't even say, 'I'm going to wait until I'm leaking."
"He said, 'By the time I get to the bathroom, I'll be leaking.'"
'He has an old man accent."
"Thanks for your responses."
"I think ESH is the correct answer."
"I should've given him more grace and tried to understand both of their perspective but he should be changing more frequently as well."
It's great to hear that you've found some ways to navigate this situation, OP.
This is not an easy topic to discuss.
It sounds like it has been taking a toll on everyone.
Hopefully, you can find common ground.
Good luck.
