What to do with aging parents and grandparents is a problem an increasing number of people are facing as people live longer and birth rates continue to drop.
A daughter turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over her father's plans for her grandfather.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Interesting_Froyo_83 asked:
"AITAH expecting my parents to buy me a fresh mattress and furniture?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Recently my old grandfather (81, male) (let’s call him A cause I don’t consider him a grandfather) started living with us after he slipped and hurt his elbow at my aunt's house."
"I (17, female) hate him. He does tobacco, smokes, and curses 24/7, including slurs about women, while me, my mom, sister, and aunt (his literal daughter) are in the house. A also hates staying at the hospital, so even me and my sister who don't give a f*ck about him are subjected to his terrible attitude when he’s sick and is going in and out of hospitals."
"When he arrived in a wheelchair a week ago, my dad practically yanked my mattress, cupboard, and plastic table out of my room to make our living room A’s hospital ward. For now, I am sleeping on the floor with a thin mattress."
"During the course of the week, A has dirtied the bed, purposefully thrown plates of food, and done other disgusting things because he hates the medical treatment going on. My dad and aunt are sick of his tantrums, but have no choice but to look after him, or else he’d die."
"My dad told me today that since A is now staying at our home permanently, he is going to buy new furniture for A and will return my mattress, table, etc... this weekend. I told him flat out I don’t want those things anymore and if he’s buying new, might as well buy it for me."
"I know it might seem silly, but I don’t want a mattress which god knows if it’s even cleaned well off of A’s bodily fluids and other stuff A’s been using."
"My dad thinks I am ungrateful and should go to a mental hospital (I am a germaphobe and have OCD, he knows that). And also that karma would come after me for my behaviour?"
"I told him, 'Why don’t you go and sleep on A’s mattress and use his belongings?' to which he said no and that I was being difficult."
"I am planning for if things get worse. My mother is out of town cause she doesn’t like my grandfather and doesn’t want to deal with this, but she’s hopefully coming home next week and will probably end up siding with me and convincing my dad."
"I wish A’s children would put him in a nursing home—he has retirement funds and gets a pension. It’s probably because A detests the idea of going to a nursing home or a place offering hospital-like care."
"He gets triggered and throws more tantrums. My dad gets scared that what if something happens to his health when he has outbursts so they just shut up and give in to A’s demands."
"AITAH telling him to buy me a new mattress, etc... because I don’t want my old stuff back?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to not want to take back a soiled mattress and furniture (NTA).
"WTF is dad thinking? First off swiping his kid's stuff to make a makeshift ward is already wild. If anything, I'd go find something at least temporarily or give my own bed up before I'd take my kid's stuff. Absolutely NTA. Old man needs to go to a home and dad needs a kick to the head." ~ Extra_Routine_6603
"Tell dad that when his time comes you won’t be putting him up in your house if he continues to treat you this way." ~ Original_Pudding6909
"Literally everyone is the a**hole besides you. I’m so sorry, that sucks! Worse comes to worse, mattresses on Amazon are ridiculously cheap these days, so start saving up for one while you’re on the ground." ~ vibrantgh0st
"Is your mother OK with your dad making long-term plans and permanently reshuffling the living room for a guy she hates? Does she know about this? It might be worth contacting her if you can." ~ andersoortigeik
"Please call your mother beforehand as soon as possible and talk about the situation. It could end badly if your dad lies to her about the situation or downplays it. Just in case. ~ SpaceCofffeee
"Sorry, we're not all saints who tolerate a broken-down old fart FIL who craps everywhere, stinks out our homes with tobacco, abuses everyone including those caring for him, is violent & has tantrums. You need specialist training to deal with violent dementia, and that's no 17-year-old's job nor the job for the wife of his son." ~ Dont-Blame-Me333
"A needs to be in a nursing home. The mess and the tantrums will only get worse and more violent. If your parents have no choice but to keep him with them, plan your life to be moving out asap."
"Otherwise I guarantee you will very soon be "A"'s new nurse and personal mess cleaner.I wouldn't want that mattress back either. NTA. Just make an escape plan." ~ TheScottishFoxyBiker
"How soon can you move out of your family's house and be on your own? This dynamic is extremely unhealthy. Obviously NTA but you need to start planning your exit strategy now." ~ LabInner262
"Also, OP should go NC immediately once she moves out. If this is how they treat their own daughter, who gave up so much for this pig, then they don't deserve to be in her life either once they force her to be independent." ~ QuestionableCompany
"If your mattress isn't good enough for your father, why is it good enough for you? A mental hospital may be the best option for you, because it would get you out of the house."
"Next time he threatens that, take him up on his offer. He won't do it, but if he did, the intake people would quickly realize there is a problem at home, and it probably isn't you."
"My mom kicked me out when I was 17, then reported me as a runaway. It didn't take long for the Department of Children to figure out who was the problem." ~ jadedinmo
"Actually, this isn't a bad idea. Call his bluff, and when he follows through, CPS will get involved, and the senior protective services will get involved too." ~ Rockie_raccoon12
"My stepfather threatened me with military school, so I started getting brochures and picking out the ones I was interested in. He dropped that so fast, and the truth was I actually wanted to go." ~ badpuppeh76
"NTA. Don’t sleep on a biohazard. Your dad is the biggest a**hole here." ~ Immer_Susse
"NTA. This sounds awful, but you will be able to use those new items for years, and your grandfather will only need them for a short time. Your dad is wrong. About everything." ~ OldInitiative8325
"Get your ducks in a row for when you’re 18 and can move out. You’re not wrong, but your dad called you crazy instead of having a rational conversation with you. You weren’t much better in your delivery, but I understand you HATE this man, and he deserves the hate."
"My parents tried to force a relationship with my grandparents after I turned 18, and it did not work out for them. My grandparents are similarly stuck in their ways and hateful. F*ck em." ~ Chaotic_Natbot
"NTA. It's disgusting he wants you to sleep on a mattress that gramps pissed on. You get the new mattress. You were a trooper for sleeping on the thin mattress on the floor. You have a horrible father. Tell them to put Gramps in a home or with another relative." ~ Known-Ability8050
"Maybe now that aunt has pawned him off on your dad, you can go stay with her? NTA, but I won’t say they are either. Familial guilt can be deep, deep ingrained into us."
"I know my mom could never live with me. It would destroy my sanity and my marriage. (She has BPD). My brother also wouldn’t take her. But I don’t know when it comes down to it, if it’s us or the streets, would we have the balls to leave her on her own?"
"That’s just to try helping you see the position your dad is in. And buying the new things for his dad may be his, however unrealistic, hope that it’ll help mollify the cranky old b@$t@rd."
"Your dad, though, needs to call him out on things he says that aren’t right. I had an uncle that lived with me, and I had to tell him straight up he couldn’t use racial slurs. It’s his house and he can lay down rules. Try going to your aunt's until he dies, or when you’re 18 you can do whatever you want." ~ khampang
"NTA. I would sleep on the floor before I would sleep on that mattress now. I have covers on every mattress in the house, all purchased new, because the idea of sleeping on a soiled mattress is enough to keep me awake." ~ Decent-Initiative-42
OP needs to have a serious discussion with both of her parents.
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