Everybody needs a vacation now and again.
Vacations can be rejuvenating and life-affirming.
But some vacations can be a problem.
Like family vacations, family vacations can be traumatic.
Redditor Ill_Remove_9909 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for 'spoiling' a family trip because I'm unwilling to sleep on a blow-up mattress for 2 weeks?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Where do I even begin?"
"My brother, S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw], and 18-month-old niece live out of the country, so it's a big deal for them to finally come for a visit and rare that we all get to be together."
"My parents and S[ignificant] O[ther] live on the West Coast, and I live on the East Coast."
"Anyway, we're all planning on meeting for two weeks at my grandpa's (RIP) old lake house, which we grew up visiting."
"It's a super tiny lodge, maybe 1000 sqft MAX, so surprriiissee there is only 2 bedrooms."
"Being the youngest, I have been automatically delegated to the living room."
"Sleeping in there with all the cousins was fine when I was 14 but I am nearly 30 now and that damn pull out couch is 20 years older than me."
"Keep in mind that my fiancèe is coming AND meeting the family for the first time."
"I think she deserves to be comfortable and have some sense of privacy in a new environment."
"I have now mentioned to everyone several times that I won't be sleeping there, which has been seemingly ignored and unsupported."
"As the youngest sibling I am not new to getting last pick but it pisses me off that this is extended into adulthood and being pushed onto my fiancèe."
"Making it increasingly complicated is that the nearest Airbnb (option 1) is a 25-minute drive and $ 2000 USD for 5 nights."
"And the only RV to rent (option 2) within a 2-hour pickup is also close to $ 2000 USD."
"All the nearby motels are booked up."
"The fact that we might not have wanted to sleep in the living room for 2 weeks was never really considered by anyone else."
"My SO and I having to front this additional cost is hurtful enough, let alone the rest of the family not caring or even acknowledging that we just want to have a room/decent bed."
"The best they have done to help resolve is help us get a tent and blow mattress for outside."
"I have decided that I will go by myself and sleep in the living room for ~4 nights as that is the max amount of bad sleep I think I can handle."
"This solution apparently is 'ruining the trip for everyone' and making it all about me."
"EDIT: The toddler is also sleeping in the living room because the 2nd bedroom has no extra space."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I think OP and his fiancèe should go for 1 week."
"Let the relatives have the room for the first week, then OP and his fiancèe drive up and get the bedroom for the second week, and the relatives stay in the living room."
"If they won't agree to that, they are ruining the vacation, not OP. NTA." ~ vegasbywayofLA
"The parents of the toddler need to sleep with their kid, and if the living room is the only place with enough space, then they need to sleep there."
"This sounds like the vacation from hell, and OP would be fully justified to completely dip out."
"Let the grandparents bond with the grandkid and catch up with everyone some other time."
"This is not the way to introduce your family to your fiancée." ~ Rude_Vermicelli2268
"Yeah, up until that part, I was thinking that it is tricky because it makes sense for the family to get a room and for the parents to get a room, but this info changes it completely."
"I also find it super weird of the parents to want their child to sleep alone in a room with people she doesn't really know."
"My toddler would immediately cry if she woke up and two people who are not super close were there instead of us."
"Also, I would feel uncomfortable letting my child sleep in the same room as someone I don't know (OP's partner) without my husband or me being there." ~ Informal_Buffalo2032
"I cannot imagine how there is no room for the toddler in the parents' bedroom."
"I have a 6x9 room in my flat — it's tiny."
"There is a double bed and still room for a pack 'n play."
"Yeah, it would be tight and annoying, but it would be doable."
"Having the family in the bedroom makes sense, assuming they keep the child with them."
"Then you can maybe figure out a more comfortable option for the living room, like a new sofa bed, etc." ~ nastyleak
"Yeah, this is the thing."
"I got a vacation paid for by a wife who wanted to surprise a close friend of mine for his birthday."
"My G[irl]F[riend] was invited, and we got our own room in a private, multi-room residence right down the road from the wife/friend's home."
"What the wife did not tell us is that they were bringing their four children (ages 3, 5, 5, and 7) to stay in the place."
"By the time we got there and learned about the arrangement, we felt hornswaggled."
"It was NOT a vacation."
"I had to take off work and blow my P[ersonal] T[ime] O[ff] for a year to be woken up EVERY morning before sunrise by screaming children."
"Had I known about the slobbering alarm clocks, I would have sent him a nice card. NTA." ~ JiminyCricketMobile
"NTA. If the toddler is sleeping in the living room, so should their parents." ~ SL8Rgirl
"Those are my thoughts exactly."
"If OP doesn't go on the trip, and no one is sleeping in the living room, it's not even safe for the toddler to be alone and out of sight or hearing of the parents."
"If OP does go, the early morning parenting falls on someone who isn't the parent, effectively ruining OP's vacation." ~ Organized_Khaos
"NTA. I wouldn't even go, it sounds miserable."
"If it's not that big of a deal for you to sleep on the couch, why doesn't someone else offer to switch their bedroom for your couch?"
"If you really wanted to make it work, afw.com has a few sleeper sofas that you could deliver to the cabin."
"$600 bucks for a sleeper sofa might make things better." ~ rsherman247
"If the couple with the baby can't sleep with the baby in the bedroom, so the baby has to sleep in the living room, it seems to make more sense that the whole family set up in the space that can accommodate them."
"Why should you be automatically selected to the public sleeping space you're sharing with someone else's baby? NTA." ~ sun_and_stars8
"Legit. Lounge rooms are normally open plan to front doors, fireplaces, bathrooms, and kitchens, all of which are likely NOT child proofed because it isn't a parent's home."
"I wouldn't let my toddler sleep in that sort of space out of my watchful eye."
"I absolutely would not have the audacity to put that responsibility on my sister or brother-in-law either."
"What a wild request." ~ sweetparamour79
"NTA. The family has outgrown the lake house."
"It's nice and all for those who still get their choice of bed, but it's super selfish of them to expect everyone to cope with bunking up in totally unsuitable conditions."
"That's also really unwelcoming to your fiancé, and they need to wake up and see that."
"I wouldn't go at all." ~ wotsname123
"So true, and agree."
"I've been lucky in that we'd figure out a secondary location for those who can't have beds in this situation."
"It's not that hard."
"If no one is paying for the stay at Grandpa's, it's not hard to figure something out and have everyone split it."
"It's the only fair way."
"Brother and S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] stay with the parents so they can be with the kids, and OP and fiancé get separate space to go back to each day for their own privacy."
"It's actually what I prefer as someone diagnosed with A[utism] D[eficit] H[yperactivity] D[isorder] and has sensory overload issues very easily." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"NTA. Why can't you rotate so you're not the only one going sleep-deprived?!"
"It's the only fair thing. If your family doesn't agree, don't go."
"Dude, definitely don't go if they refuse to compromise." ~ AlannaAdvice
"NTA. 2 weeks is way too long."
"The only solution your family is offering is for you to shut up and just accept this miserable situation." ~ UteLawyer
"NTA. You aren't obligated to suffer discomfort for 2 weeks because of someone else's tantrum."
"Anyone saying it ruins the whole vacation is either being overdramatic or places way too much emotional investment in your being there for 14 days."
"I'd cut the whole visit short, too."
"That many people in that little space for 2 weeks sounds like a cruel experiment."
"Anyone complaining about you only being there for 4 days can give their opinion on whether not showing at all is better." ~ verminiusrex
"NTA, people will tend to treat you the way they did when they had the most power over you." ~ yellowfin88
"NTA at all."
"Your family is cheap AHs for not choosing accommodation based on everyone's needs and for expecting the same person to always receive the bad deal purely based on the order of birth, even as children."
"It was unfair of you to have to always be the one at a disadvantage."
"Your partner is new to the family, and deserves privacy to be able to decompress and have time just the both of you, and it's also ridiculous that your sibling won't have their own kid in a room with you, and expects you and a partner they have never met to carry out childcare duties at night time, and expose their kid to people they barely even know."
"You have a right to your boundaries, particularly if you are spending time and money to have a family trip together."
"Either your parents need to find a more suitable location for your trip (whereby there are private bedrooms for all involved), or they need to invest money into extending the current property to adapt to the growing generations and therefore build more bedrooms (and possibly even more bathrooms) on the property."
"It's a family heirloom, so to speak, and if the family keeps using it, then they need it to be appropriate for everyone's enjoyment." ~ majesticjewnicorn
"This! I actually find it so odd that the sibling and their partner are willing to have their toddler sleep in the same room as OP's partner."
"That's an uncomfortable situation for the child, too, who presumably doesn't know this person yet."
"Absolutely wild set-up!" ~ junglemice
"NTA. The parents of the toddler need to be sleeping in the same room as their toddler."
"You are not the babysitter."
"What happens when the toddler wakes up in the middle of the night?"
"Are you expected to look after her?"
"I honestly wouldn't be going at all." ~ Mishy162
"Very well said!"
"Imagine meeting your fiancée's entire family for the first time."
"You're already nervous."
"Then discover your space will be in a public area with no privacy or personal place to wind down!"
"Add to that you're sharing the space with a toddler?"
"Naw, OP's family IS cheap indeed, not to mention rude and horrible hosts."
"This is unacceptable." ~ world_war_me
"NTA. That's a terrible vacation idea."
"Your compromise is fine."
"I get why they want to visit the lake house for nostalgic reasons."
"But the house is barely fit for four adults, let alone six adults and one toddler."
"If you cave and do the full two weeks with your fiancée in a tent/living room, you will be expected to do this vacation forever."
"Trust me. I have lived this."
"It's better to disabuse them of the notion now."
"I am also intrigued by this 18-month-old who is apparently going to sleep in the living room of a house she's never been in, in a new country."
"Quite an exceptional toddler, I'd say."
"You're probably going to end up bunking with your brother in the living room while your SIL and niece sleep in the bedroom." ~ Ok-Air-6616
"NTA. I wouldn't go at all."
"Their toddler should be in bed with them."
"Or they should be in the living room with the toddler."
"You're not a night nanny, but they're definitely trying to make you be one."
"If you do go, whenever the toddler gets fussy or wakes up at night."
"You bang on that bedroom door till they answer, 'Your kid is crying, you need to wake up and parent.'"
"But really. Don't go." ~ ritan7471
Reddit has your back, OP.
You're not a kid anymore.
You deserve to sleep in comfort.
It's sad that your family chooses not to be understanding.
You do what's best for you.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp