Redditor Vivid-Worth-8581 has accommodated their daughter-in-law’s vegetarian, and sometimes vegan, diet on numerous occasions.
However, now that it’s the DIL’s turn to host dinner, she isn’t so keen on returning the favor.
The Original Poster (OP) has a nut allergy, and when they called their DIL to kindly remind them, their DIL told them to bring their own dinner.
This interaction drove the OP to subReddit, “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
They asked:
“AITA for being pissed that my DIL won’t accommodate my allergy so I am not going to her dinner”
They went on to explain:
“I am very, very frustrated. My son has been married to my DIL for three years now. I have always made extra dishes that didn’t include meat to accommodate her.”
“No matter how much it was a pain to do, I always made sure she had options to eat when I hosted or she was over. She is vegetarian and at one point tried to go vegan.”
“My son and her never hosted due to living in a small apartment, but that changed since they have just bought a home.”
“They are having a dinner this week, and I called her to remind her I am allergic to nuts. She then informed me that she doesn’t have time and to bring my own food.”
“She told me that she cooks a lot with different nuts, and she can’t make adjustments to her menu.”
“This is where I am at be a jerk, I told her I will not be going and neither will my husband. That I have accommodated her for years, and not once have I made her bring her own food.”
“This started an argument where she thinks I am being unreasonable.”
“My husband is on my side, but my son and her are very upset.”
“Edit: stop downvoting people who say there are allergies that are not life-threatening; they are correct.”
“My allergy is not life-threatening; if it were going to kill me, I wouldn’t be okay with any of the dishes having nuts; I just asked for one that I can eat. I can be at a table with nuts. It’s fine.”
“This actually personally annoys me; allergic reactions are a spectrum from very mild to kill you.”
“Also, everyone saying allergies get worse every time people have it is incorrect; some allergies can be improved through exposure therapy, which is usually done at a doctor’s.”
“My daughter has literally done that with her shellfish allergy.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA”
“Allergies are not food critiques, you literally can die from a bad reaction.”
“The fact you were accommodating for her dietary requests, and then she is completely dismissive of your actual needs is absurd.”
“Definitely don’t go to a dinner when the chef is blase about trying to kill you” – WholeAd2742
“NTA…Nut allergies are serious. Catering to allergies is basic hospitality when having a dinner party. Perhaps your DIL is not ready to play host.”
“She CAN make adjustments to her menus, especially for close family members. They shouldn’t be surprised that you won’t come.” – RoyallyOakie
“NTA.”
“You accommodated her even when her accommodation wasn’t necessary, and dependent on the nut allergy, you could just die being around them.”
“The utter disregard for someone’s safety is wild to me. Nuts aren’t even used as the main ingredients of most foods, so not subbing out is wild to me.”
“The idea she can’t change the menu because of a major allergy is giving off the vibe she did this intentionally.” – COLGkenny
“There is food intolerance (the body cannot easily digest a foodstuff and rejects it, ferments it or reacts – like my husband’s dairy intolerance, which he has now aged through).”
“They are uncomfortable and embarrassing .”
“Then there are food allergies – which can kill. My Daughter-in-law is allergic to two kinds of nuts – her face swells up if my son kisses her sometime after he has eaten the nuts she is allergic to.”
“So we just avoid nuts altogether, even though she reassures me what kind she can eat. I’m not risking it.”
“This is a medical issue – in the UK, any caterer has to be aware of and work around the 14 main food allergens.”
“DIL is mistaking modern ‘ I don’t want to eat it so I will claim it is an allergy to get my way with the menu with real life. Which devalues the consequences of a real allergy.”
“This was well-explained to me by a chef who said she didn’t mind catering to reasonable food preferences – or real allergies…”
“…(but specified is it a dislike or will it make them poorly or kill them) Which means closing down a food production line, cleaning it down, getting out the separated equipment stored…”
“… sanitized for allergen cookery, making the food, clearing down all machinery and surfaces again, putting the machinery back away in sanitized storage…”
“…then reopening the food line to pick up the backlog in making ordinary dishes.”
“Humans do seem to have forgotten to care how to human.” – vraimentcestmoi
“NTA. I would never dream of asking an invited guest to bring their own food. Especially if I know if advance of the allergy. Your son and DIL are being unreasonable.” – Odd_Yogurtcloset2891
“NTA. Who exactly is she cooking this dinner for? Just you and your husband and her and your son? Or are there more people that will be present?” – atealein
“How the hell many dishes can she make that contain different kinds of nuts? Is this an ‘I Love Nuts’ party?”
“This is oddly confusing on her part.”
“NTA” – kadie0636
“NTA. But also think of this: her kitchen is full of nuts, and even something not containing nuts will be contaminated. You might not even be able to go into their home due to her nut use.” – CakePhool
“NTA Ask them what standard they want to go by — because there will only be that single standard applied to both sides from here on out.”
“The option of a convenient double standard doesn’t exist.”
“And you are being kind even saying that because really they owe you years of dinners made to accommodate your needs just to get to an equal starting line.” – kurokomainu
“Go and bring something and don’t accommodate her during your dinners, please put bacon on your salad if you have too. Bacon cheesecake, bacon-infused water.”
“Make napkins out of bacon. Shape bacon into bowls and plates.”
“Time to be petty.” – Janedoe4242
“NTA- not eating meat is a choice, which you accommodated. A nut allergy is not.”
“DIL sounds like a massive AH with the info provided” – Open-Negotiation6232
“NTA. After all the times you’ve made an effort for her, it’s kinda surprising she can’t tweak the menu for your allergy.”
“Totally fair call to skip the dinner. Your son and DIL need to chill a bit” – JoviallyAccidental
“NTA”
“I don’t understand how she thinks you’re unreasonable. You reminded her of a food allergy, and when told it wouldn’t be accommodated, you told her you wouldn’t be present.”
“What else does she think you should do?” – Stardust_Shinah
“NTA. She is a total b*tch. Is she unaware that nut allergies can be life-threatening? What is wrong with her?! Show your family these responses.” – YrCeridwen
“NTA and I think you’re done making special dishes for your DIL. If she doesn’t like the food, she can bring her own.”
“And your son is whipped, plain and simple. I assume he knows your allergy, but he’d rather side with the wife’s laziness.” – skoltroll
“NTA If you don’t have a single dish without nuts, she is doing this to make your life hard. It’s a ‘f you’ made in the kitchen.”
“Does her son really think that is ok? I’m pro sticking up for the wife against the evil mother-in-law, but you simply… dont want to die at a stupid dinner and thats reasonable.” – GemueseBeerchen
“NTA”
“Does your son and your DIL know what an allergy is?”
“Forget eating the food, anything that has the smell of nuts, or if someone hands you a plate with hands that have touched nuts, then the cross contamination will cause issues.”
“Both of them seem very unconcerned with possibly killing you at the party with their negligence.” – Im_Unpopular_AF
“I’m going with NTA but with a caveat. If you screw up on her vegetarian/vegan preferences/beliefs, it won’t likely kill her.”
“Nut allergies scare me. You really need to separate everything to prevent cross-contamination.”
“Instead of refusing to accommodate, I would have requested your favorite ‘nut allergy compliant’ restaurant and got a few entrees there.” – 2ndChanceAtLife
“NTA”
“Her attitude is disgraceful. You have an allergy, she has a preference restriction. And you always accommodated her.”
“How is she justifying her refusal to accommodate you? What is the even making that HAS to have nuts in it?”
“This is very clearly a dig at you, and good for you for refusing to stand for it. You deserve to be treated with respect.”
“Actually, scratch that. You deserve not to have people indirectly trying to kill you. Shame on your son for not shutting this down.”
“It is his responsibility to manage the relationships between his partner and his spouse, and he’s utterly failed.”
“Please do not accommodate her going forward.” – Cursd818
DIL needs to get her priorities straight.