Content Warning: Discussions of Infertility and Abortions
As we grow up, we learn a lot about ourselves, including what we like to do for hobbies, what we might like to do as a career, and how we feel about getting married and starting a family.
For each of these items, a person should be honest with their partner in case any of their decisions are deal breakers for the other person, like wanting to remain childfree, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted his account, had been very honest with his wife about his love for her biological daughter but also about his interest in having biological children of his own.
When he found out she had lied in agreement just to make sure they got married, the Original Poster (OP) was utterly devastated.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for divorcing my wife because she lied about her fertility?”
The OP had a great relationship with his wife and stepdaughter.
“I (38 Male) have been with my wife, Natalie (37 Female), for eight years and married for four.”
“Natalie has a daughter from a previous relationship, Kaya (12 Female). Kaya’s dad left when she was a newborn. We have no idea where he is.”
“I love her as if she were mine. She calls me ‘Dad’ and has a great relationship with me.”
The OP and his wife were struggling to have a baby of their own.
“I told Natalie from the very beginning that I would like to have biological children, and she said she is open to having more kids.”
“After we got married, we bought a nice place and started trying for a baby.”
“After a year, we did some testing, and everything came back normal. My wife said IVF would be too costly and hard on her body.”
“I was secretly devastated, but I decided to come to terms with the fact that I’d never have any biological kids.”
Then the OP’s wife’s sister revealed everything.
“This was until a few days ago when I found out from Natalie’s sister that Natalie lied to me.”
“She and her sister got into a fight in our house, and her sister screamed, ‘AT LEAST I DON’T TAKE PILLS BEHIND MY HUSBAND’S BACK AND CLAIM I’M INFERTILE! DOES HE KNOW YOU HAD AN ABORTION?!'”
“I was floored.”
“My wife kicked her sister out and started crying, saying she really didn’t want another kid and didn’t want to lose me.”
“The abortion happened a year and a half after our wedding. She aborted my baby. She saw me devastated and upset when she claimed we couldn’t have a baby.”
“I can’t believe she lied to me instead of talking to me.”
The OP needed some space.
“I just left. I have been staying at my parents’ house since then. Natalie has been begging me to come back, and she said we could try for a baby. Kaya even messaged me to come back!”
“My parents think I should just move on and give her another chance. She made a mistake, and she apologized.”
“For anyone wondering, I live in Canada, and I’m pro-choice. I do believe women have to control their bodies. But this is a different case. She lied to me. I could have now had my baby in my arms. I had no idea she was against having more babies until a few days ago.”
“AITAH for wanting a divorce for this lie?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found the OP’s wife’s behavior to be totally despicable.
“My jaw physically dropped, and I gasped, too. She was never going to tell him. If it wasn’t for her sister to spill the truth, he would probably never have known. It’s messed up.”
“Her only remorse was that she got caught. She’s probably so mad at her sister. And thinks that if she cries enough, he’ll buy her crocodile tears. She broke a trust that will never be fixed.”
“And I just wanna say this too, the fact that she’s trying to guilt trip him with her daughter- it’s DISGUSTING! She’s 12, and she shouldn’t have any word in this.”
“I’m definitely speculating but there’s almost no doubt in my mind that she told her daughter to help her get him back by texting.”
“My parents are definitely not good parents, but even through the divorce process not once was I allowed to put a word in like that. Because it had nothing to do with me. Their divorce was theirs. Not mine and theirs.” – Silly-Entertainer367
“She has been lying to him from the beginning of their relationship. His relationship is built on lies!”
“Personally, I prefer couples to work on their relationship as long as it’s not toxic and there’s no significant breach of trust or violence. But this is a significant breach of trust and she’s only claiming to want to try for a baby because she got exposed, there’s nothing genuine about her change of heart.”
“It’s just another manipulation tactic. OP is well within his rights to consider divorce. I don’t even believe she’s genuinely sorry, just sorry for herself being exposed by her sister.”
“NTA.” – Apart_Foundation1702
“Keep in mind that you take the pill every day. So every single day, she decided to lie again.”
“That amounts to 2,920 lies.”
“Then the hum dinger, the abortion of a child that was definitely wanted by the OP. This actually goes way above betrayal.” – Icy-Degree-7140
“My wife and I had a hard time getting her pregnant and were getting close to trying IVF when she got pregnant.”
“I vividly remember when she slid the ultrasound across the table, how excited and in disbelief I was.”
“Now all I can imagine is how this guy felt the complete opposite of what I did when he found out about his child.”
“For f**k’s sake, I can’t believe he hasn’t filed for divorce already.” – WokULikeAHurricane
“OP, this isn’t a little lie. It is a huge betrayal. I wouldn’t forgive her. This is worse than cheating on you. She stole your chance of being a biological father when she knew this was what was important to you.”
“You weren’t even included in the discussion about her feelings about an unwanted pregnancy. She just wanted to keep this secret forever.”
“I’m glad her sister has integrity. Your wife’s the AH. Worse than an AH. Unforgivable. Move on.” – Altruistic-Text3481
Others reassured the OP this wasn’t a pro-choice issue but a matter of dishonesty.
“I’m pro-choice but I’m so against lying, especially when in a committed relationship. Definitely NTA.” – yobaby68
“NTA.”
“There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids.”
“There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have more kids.”
“There is nothing wrong with changing your mind about wanting or not wanting kids.”
“This is not about any of that. This is about the fact your partner chose over and over again to lie to you, to allow you to dream about a future she knew you wouldn’t have with her.”
“She lied, betrayed, and misled you for years. Even if she did a 180 and honestly wanted kids now, is this really someone you would want to stay with? To co-parent with? To be the mother of your child?” – impactes
“NTA. That is not a small lie.”
“I generally support women’s right to choose, but lying is not a right.”
“She aborted your (wanted) child without discussing it with you? That’s a pretty high level of betrayal. She told her sister but not you? How many people knew? How many people kept the truth from you and for how long??”
“I’m sorry, OP.” – notyourstranger
“Her agreeing to try for a baby at this point is just her trying to save the marriage. One should NEVER have a child just to save a relationship.”
“It’s a betrayal of the partner and the child, as any feelings had for the baby by the previously unwilling partner would be disingenuous at best, resentful at worst.”
“I am so sorry, OP. I don’t know how to come back from this. I don’t think I’d want to.”
“NTA.” – blondeheartedgoddess
“NTA, when you make a commitment to someone, you’re supposed to be honest with them. This isn’t about the cost of IVF or the hardships of pregnancy; it’s about integrity and trust.”
“Your wife made a conscious decision to deceive you and withhold crucial information about your future together. Now, she’s scrambling to make amends because she got caught.”
“You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. This isn’t just about having children; it’s about the foundation of your relationship. Only you can decide if forgiveness is possible, but don’t let anyone pressure you into staying in a marriage built on lies.” – MyCouchPullzOut_
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in another post.
“Thank you for all your kind comments and private messages. I did receive a few unkind ones accusing me of trying to control her body or making her feel unsafe, which is why she secretly went through with it. My problem wasn’t with her decision but her deceit.”
“Natalie came over to my parents’ house last night after dinner. She dropped off Kaya at her friend’s because she said she needed to talk to me.”
“I’m glad I gave her the chance because I now have no doubt she is a pathological liar.”
“She said after her first pregnancy, she had to work so hard to be in shape and she swore she would never do that again.”
“I said, ‘Then you lied to me from day one?!'”
“She said she thought she would change her mind but she didn’t. Then she saw me come to terms with not having a baby, so she decided not to tell me.”
“I said, ‘So you lied more? You got rid of my baby because you wanted to stay fit? You didn’t even discuss anything with me? How could you do that to me? I could be holding my baby right now, and you stole that from me.'”
“She said she is sorry, but the good news is she still can.”
“I said, ‘You are still lying! You still don’t want a baby, and you’re only saying it so I stay! I don’t even know what to believe anymore. I can’t trust you. Ever.'”
“She started crying, saying Kaya was so sad that I left them because my wife couldn’t give me a baby.”
“I lost it, screaming, ‘You lied to her, too? Is this why she thinks I left?'”
“That’s when I told her it was over and to get out of my parents’s house. She cried and cried.”
“I’ll meet with a lawyer this week to start the separation process.”
“I’ll send a text to Kaya and explain that I didn’t abandon her and will do anything to be in her life (I never legally adopted her, sadly). I can’t believe I blindly trusted her all these years.”
The subReddit was sad for the OP’s discovery, and for all the years he could have spent with a better-matched partner and starting a family of his own.
Hopefully, now that he knew, he’d be able to go out and find someone who would want that life with him and would do what they could to help him make that dream come true.