Most future parents have an idea of how they want their baby to be born and what kind of birthing experience they want, whether it's at home, in a hospital, or with a doula or midwife.
Unfortunately, some birth plans fall through, and it can be devastating for the expectant parents, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor sourdoughdealer had hired a doula, who agreed to accompany them periodically before the birth, throughout the birth, and with checkups after the birth. This included other duties, like transporting the baby's placenta from the hospital to home for at-home use.
When their doula later left the placenta on their front porch in a bag, the Original Poster (OP) felt betrayed by their lack of care and didn't trust them with their parenthood experience anymore.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by cutting contact with my doula after she left my baby's placenta on my front porch without notifying me?"
The OP initially had a good experience with their birthing doula.
"I am nine weeks postpartum."
"I hired a doula prenatally through a local doula service, which cost $2000 and involved a contract. Care was supposed to be rendered prior to delivery, during birth, and during postpartum."
"The contract states, 'After Birth: Our services include two postpartum visits, one the day after birth in the hospital and another in your home three to seven days after the birth. During these visits, we can provide breastfeeding support, baby care tips, referrals to community resources, and a chance to discuss the birth experience.'"
"My doula was fine and helpful for prenatal and the birth experience."
"I wanted to save my placenta to be buried later on, and she offered to take it home, freeze it, and then return it to me during a postpartum visit."
"She did send us a few texts in the days after checking in, but she didn’t visit or offer to visit."
"I was pretty occupied at the time; I didn’t think to ask her to come, or think too hard about the fact she hadn’t come."
"Also, shortly after my delivery, she announced with some other doulas that they were opening their own practice separate from the one I hired her through. I thought this was cool! No issues."
But one bad experience broke their trust.
"Last week (seven weeks after delivery), I came home from a long day out to a plastic patient belongings bag on my front porch."
"Surprise! It’s my placenta, just in a plastic container in a bag on my porch at 8:30 PM."
"I checked my phone. Surely, I must have missed a text about her dropping it off. No text. I checked the front door cam to see when this occurred. Four hours ago, by her husband, not even by her."
"I felt like this was super weird! And I was very tired from a long day, so my husband sent her a message. Her first response was that it wasn’t a big deal because I’m not consuming it."
"I still felt like it was pretty weird and disrespectful to leave, unannounced, AN ORGAN FROM MY BODY on my front porch with zero notification. We were initially planning on being gone the whole weekend, so I would’ve come home to a thawed, rotting placenta on my porch."
The OP called their doula out on the experience.
"I wasn’t ready to talk to her for a few days, but when I finally did, I was basically like, 'Hey, that was f**ked up, and I’m also f**king upset that you haven’t visited me postpartum when you were supposed to, like, six weeks ago.'"
"She did apologize for the placenta, but not about the visits. She told me she’s never had clients ready to see her until four to seven weeks postpartum (but she didn’t ask if I was ready)."
"Then she told me the ball was in my court about requesting a visit (but she never told me that)."
"I have a friend who had a doula from the same service who got a text the day after her birth from her doula that was like, 'Hey, can I come over at 10:00 AM?' That was my expectation."
"My doula didn’t even mention a visit until three weeks postpartum when she said, 'I owe y'all a visit; things have just been crazy,' I'm assuming with her new doula group. Not exactly an invitation to schedule."
"I was letting it slide because I assumed she just didn’t have capacity, and as someone who already struggles to ask for help (and especially postpartum), I didn’t ask."
"So now she’s defending herself and saying that it’s MY fault she didn’t come visit me, which feels very offensive, on top of the placenta thing."
"She offered to come visit now, but now I don’t want to see her ‘cause I’m pretty mad about the whole thing, and I really could’ve used the support weeks ago, not now."
The OP set a new boundary.
"I said I thought I was entitled to a partial refund since I didn’t get the visits. It’s not about money, but I just felt like SOMETHING needed to happen."
"She asked for my Venmo and what amount I thought was appropriate. I said $300. She responded with, 'I will send you $200.'"
"I said, 'Okay? You could’ve just said that instead of asking me for an amount.' She sent the $200."
"The next day, I was feeling like really afflicted about this situation and it was haunting me ending this way."
"This person was supposed to be a continuous support to me. This was the expectation also in the contract: 'Continued support from your doula via text, email, and phone as you progress through the first days, weeks, and months of parenthood. We really are your doulas forever!'"
"I felt really sad that this relationship was ending negatively and was just trying to make amends."
"Prior to this experience, we had had a totally fine relationship since very early in my pregnancy."
But when the OP tried to make amends, their doula was nowhere to be found.
"I messaged her that I didn’t feel good leaving things like this. I tried to send the money back, but Venmo kept saying 'user not found,' so I asked her for an updated Venmo link. I also offered to meet her for coffee."
"No response. Then I thought about how weird it was that the Venmo wasn’t working; I wondered why."
"Oh, turns out she has blocked me on everything. Her Instagram, her new business Instagram, Facebook, and I’m assuming my phone number is blocked."
"This whole situation seems crazy to me and has been really hurtful to deal with postpartum."
"I keep just remembering my placenta just sitting on my porch with a patient label on it, too."
"My name, birthday, and MRN on my ORGAN, just chilling on my porch in a semi-sketchy neighborhood, where anything could have happened to it."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some kept it simple, pointing out that the OP paid for a service that wasn't completed in full.
"NOR. You paid for a full service and didn’t receive all of it."
"Her excuse regarding the placenta was awful; it doesn’t matter if you’re going to plan it, eat it, etc.; it still should be handled with some respect and decorum." - Kitchen_Current
"I oversee a doula training program as part of my job, and this experience would be SHOCKING to hear if it was one of our doulas."
"Postpartum visits are critical parts of full spectrum doula services. In fact, the immediate postpartum visit is the entire reason we invested in training doulas at all. They are literally life-saving points of contact for mothers/infants post-discharge."
"Saying, 'Oh, well, you didn’t ask' is insane. It’s not an, 'Omg hey girl!' visit. It’s an extension of the perinatal care spectrum. Doulas can connect moms to crisis intervention, mental health care, and lactation support. I even had a doula convince a mom that it was worth heading to the ER “just to be safe” about how much bleeding she had; it literally saved her LIFE."
"Leaving a human organ on a porch is insane in any and every circumstance."
"Please tell the original doula group. At my hospital, the Ob/Gyn, L&D, and MBU teams would also want to know because they routinely suggest (or DON'T suggest) doula groups/providers and would be horrified if this was someone they had recommended."
"NOR." - HappyGiraffe
"NOR! Please leave a review or have a friend leave a review for her new doula practice detailing your experience. One and a half or two stars instead of one so she cannot delete. Include her name so it is an accurate review. This is not a professional or acceptable way to treat postpartum women, especially when that is her specialty." - 6ls2000
"NOR, and I'm so sorry you ended up with a flaky doula; you deserve (and paid for) better."
"The postpartum period is SO hard; please take care of yourself and give yourself lots of grace for everything!" - cactus-sky01
"I think some of these responses are missing what the role of a doula is. They are just hired to support vulnerable new parent navigate a huge life change, to remove the burden of a new parent knowing what and how to ask for thing, and by being a trusted companion through the pregnancy/birth/postpartum process."
"By selecting the package that included the visit 'three to seven' days after birth,' you requested the visit. Her role is not to further burden you by making you schedule it. She should have initiated it."
"I don’t think you are overreacting. I would be deeply hurt to know I invited a person into one of the most special and sacred experiences of my life just to have them act dismissive towards me and block me while still in the very raw postpartum experience. It speaks volumes about her attitude towards the experience of new parents." - rockymtncheesecurd
Others sympathized with the OP in feeling slighted and abandoned by their doula.
"I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. I hired a doula for my first birth, and I am so sad for you. You invited her to be part of a sacred moment in your life. She owed you professionalism at a minimum." - iWonderWomann
"I'm also postpartum here, so I don't know if I'm overreacting, but WHAT THE F**K. This is so ridiculously crazy, and I'm so sorry this happened to you."
"Please reach out to the governing body as someone else suggested, and please get them involved. It's not okay to leave it like that with all your details exposed to the public, not to mention emotional damage." - MischiefManagedMama
"Get your refund! You're not supposed to think of 'everything' in terms of having your needs met."
"It's hard enough to focus with the massive hormonal changes; she's supposed to be a professional and anticipate your needs, check in daily, and be helpful! You're paying for guidance and mental comfort."
"Not overreacting! Congrats on your new baby." - Regular-Ad1930
"NOR. You paid for a service and agreed to terms you didn't receive. The placenta thing was weird. It sounds like this person slacked off on you as a client, and that sucks."
"As someone who struggles with the feeling that I need to fix/respond to any misunderstanding or issue with urgency, I understand why you felt guilty about the refund and tried to repair the relationship."
"To you, I'm sure it felt like a more intimate friendship or relationship bc giving birth is a big thing, but for her it doesn't seem like it was as meaningful. It's okay that you stood up for yourself by asking for a refund. It's okay that you also tried to backtrack to save the relationship."
"It's also okay that this won't have the outcome that would make you feel better. Sometimes people don't mesh, and it sounds like she might not have been the doula you had envisioned." - According_Sorbet_774
"NOR. This behavior I 100% identify with."
"From her post, OP is way more upset about the moral injury she received (receiving poor and bizarre treatment as a new mom) than the financial one (not getting the visits she paid for). She knew she wanted the situation to be 'made right' in some capacity, followed advice from others to ask for a financial refund, and received one."
"Only that didn't make her feel justice had actually been served, because she didn't really care about the money. She wanted the doula to understand why she was upset, to provide a genuine apology, and to make assurances that other women would not receive such poor treatment. So she reached out to swap the money for a conversation and apology."
"The reason I can identify with OP is that I had a similar moral quandary. Years ago, I was having work done on my home. The company didn't follow our contract and put my family at risk (although we were not injured). We contacted them about the issue, they aggressively defended their unsafe behavior, and they offered a small refund as compensation (we did not request one)."
"We took it, but it has always bothered me. I would 100% give them back the money in exchange for an actual acknowledgment of fault and a promise not to do the same thing to future customers." - NanoRapturo
The subReddit understood that this was an important moment in the OP's life, and they could understand a special moment like this being tarnished by less-than-desirable behavior.
It seems likely the doula was busy with her new doula business, but if she wasn't sure she could juggle her prior clients with the new business, it would have been better to find new resources for her past clients so something like this didn't happen.
