We've all experienced something beyond our control.
Events that likely forced us to cancel or adjust plans we had been looking forward to.
Frustrated as we may have been in the moment, we need to remind ourselves that this was no one's fault, but rather a force majeure.
Unfortunately, some people can't help but hold a grudge.
The daughter-in-law (DIL) of Redditor MarketingAromatic751 had a somewhat tense relationship with her daughter.
An unexpected turn of events at the wedding of the original poster (OP)'s DIL didn't help.
Indeed, the episode so fractured their relationship that the OP's DIL refused to attend her FIL's birthday party if the OP's daughter was attending.
An ultimatum the OP had no interest in agreeing to, even telling her DIL to "get over it."
Worried she may have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my DIL to get over her wedding being overshadowed by my daughter."
The OP explained why she felt the need to put her DIL in her place:
"This has been an ongoing issue."
"Some background, my DIL ( I’ll call her Rebecca) and my daughter ( I’ll call her Jessie) don’t have the best relationship."
"Their personality do not mesh well at all. Rebecca finds Jessie to be stuck up and Jessie finds Rebecca to be annoying."
"I also think Rebecca is jealous of Jessie because there is a big money gap between them."
"So they don’t like each other, but act civil in front of each other."
"The issue, Rebeca and my son’s wedding was in early July. Jessie due date for giving birth was in early August."
"The wedding was going fine, until Jessie‘s water broke and she needed to be rushed off to the hospital."
"I went to the hospital, while my husband stayed at the wedding."
"Jessie early birth completely overshadowed Rebecca/son’s wedding."
"A lot of people were waiting on news about Jessie and the baby."
"Especially since this is the first grandkid between the whole family."
"Jessie deliver a healthy baby boy that night."
"They have been arguing about it since."
"Rebecca wants Jessie to apologize for overshadowing the wedding and Jessie refuses because it’s not like she planned on giving birth."
"To get to the issue, my husband’s birthday is this weekend."
"I called my DIL to ask about her allergies and whether the restaurant would be okay for her."
"She asked if Jessie was coming, and I told her yes."
"She then told me that neither she nor her husband (my son) would be there if Jessie was there."
"I asked if she was serious, and she said she was."
"I told her she needed to get over her wedding being overshadowed because someone went into labor."
"I told her that this is ridiculous."
"She called me a b*tch and told me I favor Jessie."
"She is my kid that I raised and it’s not like she planned on an early birth."
"I’m not going to uninvite Jessie to her dad’s birthday."
"I am unsure if I should apologize. Or if I am the jerk here."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community mostly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not apologizing to Rebecca.
Nearly everyone agreed that while Rebecca had every right to be frustrated, she needed to get over the fact that Jessie went into labor at her wedding, and agreed that banning Jessie from her own father's birthday party was an absurd demand:
"NTA."
"Did she expect your daughter to cross her legs and hold the baby in until midnight? "
"Yeah, it happened."
"She needs to grow up."
"What does your son say about it?"
"Is he a logical human?"- Winter_Childhood9186
"NTA."
"She has a right to be annoyed that her wedding day didn't go according to plan, but everything else is ridiculous."- aeidon1789
"NTA."
"Babies arrive when they arrive."
"Daughter didn't have control of that, lol."
"She called me a b*tch and told me I favor Jessie."
"Uh, ya."
"You favor YOUR DAUGHTER over your daughter-in-law."
"That's normal!"
"Is your DIL okay?"
"LOL!"
"One can be unhappy about a wedding day going off the rails, or one can turn events like this into an additional reason to celebrate."
"DIL chose the former; that is her choice."
"Requiring your daughter to apologize to her for something she had zero control over is ridiculous, lol."- IamIrene
There were a few, however, who felt that Jessie could at least extend a branch, acknowledging that her birth may have taken attention away from Rebecca's wedding, and the OP shouldn't use the term "overshadowed", even though they still didn't condone Rebecca's behavior.
"You also referring to it as being 'overshadowed' is part of the problem, so you telling her to 'get over being overshadowed' only escalated matters."
"And yes, it's unreasonable to hold someone going into labor several weeks before they expected to against them."
"It's possible to apologize for how things turned out without it being an admission of malicious intent."
"There's no reason why Jessie can't say 'sorry, I didn't mean to detract from your wedding, and I'm sorry that happened. Obviously, going into labor early was not what I wanted, either'."
"Boom."
"Sincere 'apology' given."
"Rebecca demanding an apology isn't any better."
"They're both like small children."
"And, as mentioned, you made things worse, as well."
"ESH."- LeviathanLorb44
"ESH, I would venture a guess that this didn't come out of a vacuum."
"There is clearly already a dynamic here."- TongueThruster69
Others felt there was important information that was missing, making it hard for them to make a determination:
"Something doesn't seem to add up here so I'm going to say we need more INFO."
"Of course you would favor your daughter over pretty much anyone, daughter-in-law included."
"So it sounds like the issue might be you favor your daughter and her husband over your son and his wife."
"You don't appear to like her, and neither does your daughter."
"I can understand being frustrated and ultimately behaving 'badly' if you feel you constantly have to fight for your opinion to be heard, as its usually a 2 against 1 vibe."
"You say Rebecca doesn't like your daughter because she finds her stuck up, and you blame this on her being jealous because of a big money gap."
"On the other hand, Jessie doesn't like her because she's annoying."
"Being annoying is a personality clash, being stuck up and rubbing your success/income in someone's face, objectively makes you an AH."
"There's no way to know if this is Rebecca being dramatic and sensitive or if there is some truth it."
"No, it is not your daughter's fault she went into labor at the wedding; I don't think she should have to apologize, but it still would have been nice to apologize for missing half the wedding."
"However, depending on the dynamic, I think its less about an apology, and more about fighting to be seen/heard."
"If Jessie always upstages her due to money, better clothes, better holidays, better house, better car etc, it is understandable Rebecca might have felt that her own wedding was an opportunity for her to be acknowledged, for her to be the 'centre of attention' and feel loved by her husband's family."
"Again, nothing is Jessie's fault and an apology isn't required, but if she once again felt overshadowed and then once again felt her feelings were dismissed, it is easy to see why she has latched on to an apology for her wedding as a way of feeling valued."
"Maybe she wants you to apologize for missing it, to show you value your son and his wife too."
"She'll never have the first grandchild, and will likely see her anniversary overshadowed forever more."
"It isn't hard to value someone and acknowledge their feelings, which is what i'm questioning is lacking here."
"Does your son have stepchildren?"
"Also, I would love to hear if your son also feels overshadowed by his sister, and that's why his wife spoke on his behalf, or if again this is just her being ridiculous."
"If Rebecca is being unreasonable and everyone is lovely to her, then of course, NTA."
"If this is a dynamic with more context built up over time, I'm more likely to go with ESH."- BlondeBimbo95
It does seem as if no one, including the OP, is really putting much effort into fixing Jessie and Rebecca's relationship.
Nor can one really blame Rebecca for being upset that her wedding date was overshadowed.
Even so, no one can plan a birth or the emotions that come with it.
If Jessie could be the bigger person and apologize for the unfortunate timing, there's no reason Rebecca can't extend a branch herself.
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