In every household, the people living there have to decide how they will divide everything, including the physical space, the cleaning responsibilities, and the expenses.
How everything is divided up might work for a while, but sometimes the distribution has to be reevaluated, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor alisonlogann did everything needed for her husband to have a nice evening with his work friends.
But when he became drunk and refused to clean up his own mess after getting sick, the Original Poster (OP) realized it might be time to rediscuss their distribution of labor in the home.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for making my husband sleep in the guest room after he refused to clean up his own vomit?”
The OP’s husband recently became drunk at home.
“Last night, my husband had some work friends over for a BBQ and drinks.”
“I worked that day, and I did all the prep work, cooking, and cleaning so he and his friends could enjoy their time together.”
“He ended up getting pretty drunk and threw up in our bathroom sink, left it, and refused to clean it up when I asked him to.”
The OP’s husband continuously refused to clean up the mess.
“His refusals included, ‘I don’t know what to do to clean it up,’ and ‘I closed the drain on the sink and now I can’t get it open’ (it’s one of the drains that you push to close and push to open).”
“He also said, ‘I don’t have time to clean it because I have to work early.'”
“A little background on our situation: he works full-time (and pays 60% of bills) and I work part-time (and pay 40% of bills). Therefore, I deal with all domestic house duties.”
“I work four days and then am off for four days in six-hour shifts. He works 14 days on 10-hour shifts and has seven days off. He makes almost double my monthly salary in one week.”
The OP was deeply frustrated by the situation.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love my role in our home, and I truly am happy to do it. However, this just feels like straight-up disrespect.”
“I was super upset after he kept feeding me excuses for why he couldn’t clean up his own vomit.”
“He smelled horribly of liquor and was starting to raise his voice at me when he was explaining he couldn’t clean it because he ‘had to go to work to pay for all the things we want.'”
“To be clear, we have our own individual bank accounts, and he doesn’t pay for any of my personal bills or recreational purchases.”
“After his excuses of why not to clean it up, I didn’t engage or continue with the argument, because when you’re sober, there’s no reasoning with a drunk person, so I asked him to sleep in the spare room.”
“Now I just feel guilty, so tell it to me straight: am I the a**hole in this situation?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP this was the kind of mess the husband should clean up himself.
“NTA. He should clean up his own self-imposed puke. On the division of duties, you should not be doing the bulk or all of the household chores, that should be based on time worked, not income. It should be 60-to-40 for the chores.” – Icy_Department_1423
“This gives me PTSD. My ex often drank too much and once vomited all over the floor and wall of our upstairs bathroom. I was so p**sed. I cleaned it up but resented him for being an adult with children who couldn’t be satisfied after a couple of beers; he had to get obliterated.”
“What made matters worse was that he was going to be home with our then two-year-old twins while I had to work a 12-hour shift the next morning. He was hungover and miserable. He never apologized, even after we talked about it.”
“We’re divorced now. My kids recognize he drinks too much and see how destructive overdoing it can be.”
“Maybe talking to him when he’s sober will make an impact and a difference. I hope it does. Living with someone who’s a heavy drinker gets old.” – mmmmkay23
“You did all the work for his get-together? Then he gets so drunk he vomits in the sink and refuses to clean it? Is he your husband or employer?” – SometimesKip
“NTA. Your husband is a big one though. He drinks to excess and can’t hold his liquor. He pukes all over because of his drinking not because he was sick, as I am sure you would have cleaned it then.”
“You bent over backwards to give him his time with his friends.”
“Tell him that if you end up cleaning his mess because of his actions, he gets the guest room for three months. Or he can grow up and clean it himself.”
“I once went to a company event with a guy. Knew a bunch of the guys there. My date said, ‘Woman, go get and make me a plate (buffet style).'”
“I looked right at him and said calmly that I would happily make him a plate of food. As I always do so for children. And if I make him one, I will treat him as a child. Or, he can make his own plate and I will treat him as a man.”
“Everyone was stunned. Then I followed up, ‘What is your pleasure?’ He stood up and said that he would make his own plate, and brought me something from the dessert table.” – Popular_Jaguar_3803
“He doesn’t care about grossing you out, the person he is supposed to love and want to impress and cherish. A good person would be apologizing for their behavior, because it’s embarrassing to have your partner witness that level of inebriation, to vomit in the sink as a grown adult, and to double-down on refusing to clean it up.”
“And who earns more or how household chores are split has NOTHING to do with cleaning alcohol puke out of the sink. The puker cleans it! Period.” – CornRose
“I can’t imagine being with someone who treated me like that and spoke to me that way.”
“An actual serious question: what are you getting out of this relationship where you pay more than your share of the bills, do one hundred percent of the housework, get spoken to like a child or a toy, and get a sink full of vomit and a tantrum for your trouble?”
“And that’s just NOW while you’re both young and healthy. What happens if you get sick? Is he going to take care of you and keep the house clean? What happens if you have kids? Is he going to do anything at all?”
“I am here to tell you that there are men who take their partners seriously and do their fair share around the house. It stone cold does not have to be like this.” – Dazzling_Suspect_239
Others suggested that this situation sounded like an example of weaponized incompetence.
“Weaponized incompetence is not uncommon. He’s just overshooting here because everyone past the age of puberty is equally ‘qualified’ to clean vomit. No special skills or training necessary, or even available.” – ditchdiggergirl
“‘I don’t know how to clean it up’… bulls**t, this is weaponized incompetence if he continues this sober. Anything short of cleaning the h**l out of it while apologizing profusely once he sobers up is a big problem. NTA.” – ichheisesekake
“NTA. His response is weaponized incompetence. If you choose to clean up his mess, the messes will get bigger as the years pass by.” – Little_Sun4623
“I just asked my six-year-old what she would do if I barfed in the sink and she had to clean it.”
“She said she’d wash it down.”
“I said it’s too chunky to go down.”
“She said she’d get some paper towels and wipe it up into a trash bag.”
“So if a first grader can figure out an acceptable way to clean it, I’m sure a fully employed grown man can do it, even drunk. He just doesn’t WANT to and thinks the OP should have to.” – oodles_motherof
“You said you work four days and are off for four days, and yet you do housework on the four days you have off. And he does nothing on the seven days that HE has off.”
“That’s okay… if all that labor is your contribution to the household and you keep your pay for yourself. But if you pay for the household, too, then he needs to do chores.”
“Just be prepared for a lot of weaponized incompetence like he did with the vomit, claiming that he’s not capable of washing dishes or mopping or doing laundry or cooking.”
“If you ever plan on having kids, fix this now, because you know who’ll end up doing one hundred percent of the childcare? You.” – Dana07620
“Wait, so, he makes double your monthly income in one week, so in four weeks with his schedule, he works three or four weeks with each week being double what you earn in a month? That means he makes six times as much or I can’t do math right now…”
“Mate, you are paying too much and have too many chores. And all that for him to disrespect you like that.”
“Let’s start with this situation: HE invited HIS work friends over, and you did all the prep and probably catered to all their needs. He should have done all that while you went out or relaxed on your own.”
“You are basically his maid and you pay him for it as well! Time for a serious talk.” – flyingdemoncat
The subReddit could understand maybe not wanting to clean up such a mess while drunk, but they also agreed it was no reason to show so much disrespect to a partner.
The OP and her husband clearly needed to have a discussion about their division of labor and expenses in the home, starting with the husband cleaning up his mess that was through no fault but his own.