Grief is, unfortunately, an inevitable part of life.
What can make grief more difficult is family drama.
Every family has its issues, but some are on another level.
And big events like death and funerals tend to bring out the fireworks.
Redditor PonderosaWillow wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for ruining a funeral and potentially costing a lot of family members their jobs?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My grandparents passed away recently.”
“I followed the guidelines my grandma set up for her final event.”
“Her Church, her burial plot, her casket, and the same for my grandpa.”
“I just didn’t expect for it to be a joint funeral.”
“I sent out the notifications to friends of theirs and family after the date was set in stone.”
“Their friends all came, and so did most of my grandma’s church but no family showed up.”
“I wasn’t surprised, I hadn’t seen most of them in about 4 years.”
“I had a great time with my grandparent’s friends and then I went back home and cried my heart out.”
“I had been their sole caregiver and I didn’t know what to do without them.”
“I had taken care of them for 15 years.”
“It started with little things like lifting heavy things and escalated to needing to change the bed twice a night sometimes.”
“I was empty and started to scroll through my grandpa’s Facebook to see pictures he posted before his memory went.”
“I found a group, started about 3 years ago that was being flooded with activity.”
“When I went poking around I found out it was my mother who was hosting a funeral at her church and was ‘trying to get final expenses taken care of.'”
“I was stunned.”
“Here was the woman I hadn’t spoken to since throwing her out of the house for stealing jewelry and upsetting grandma terribly by using her Alzheimer’s against her.”
“‘How could you forget my birthday! You promised to give me this!'”
“I went to the funeral my mother had planned and listened to the pastor and then my mother got up to talk.”
“She told everyone how hard it was taking care of them and something inside me roared to life.”
“I don’t remember everything I said, but it did include that she didn’t pay for anything for them, not their caskets, not their burial plots, not their cremation, nothing.”
“I told everyone I put them to rest at the funeral grandma planned herself 4 days prior.”
“I said she’d never paid for any of their care or even seen them for 4 years.”
“I was asked to leave and drove home.”
“Later, a cousin asked me if what I said was true, and when I said it was and I could provide proof, they explained my mother had been taking funds from the family for years to pay for their care at a facility because they had outlived their insurance policy.”
“They also explained I got a lot of people in trouble because somewhere in the speech, I shouted I had done it all alone for years without any help.”
“A lot of family members used my grandparents as an excuse to get out of work and had invited their coworkers to the funeral.”
“By hearing my outburst they were now in trouble for lying as to the reasons to leave work or miss days.”
“She then went on to ask me about the inheritance and when that would be passed out.”
“I told her that if anyone had earned the inheritance, it had already been taken care of.”
“I thought I was in the right, but now I’m doubting myself after so many cousins and family members are calling to tell me I handled it really poorly.”
“Did I handle this badly?”
“Everyone’s telling me I did.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Absolutely NTA!!”
“I am going through something similar, and if I was presented with a situation like this, I’d react the same way.” ~ Forward-Step-4234
“NTA. You did a tremendous job of caregiving.”
“If they had been in a facility with 24/7 care, the cost would have been a minimum of $50,000 per person annually.”
“Whatever they left you out have you, you earned the times the value.”
“Do not give one cent to those liars.” ~ WatermelonRindPickle
“NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Do not feel you, in any way, made a mistake.”
“You called out all the wrongs that were being done at your and your grandparent’s expense, as they should have been.”
“Hopefully, your family will be filing suit with your mother.”
“No one, besides yourself, deserves ANYTHING from your grandparents’ estate.” ~ GrimSpirit42
“NTA. The people who were hurt by your outburst were liars and users.”
“They deserved what they got.”
“You only exposed their ill-doings.” ~ Regular_Boot_3540
“NTA. I’m honestly not entirely sure how you could have handled that better without being ignored.”
“Your family members created these situations for themselves and now must deal with the consequences.”
“I mean most if not all of them came to their actual funerals!”
“You handled everything both for their care over the last 15 years and in their passing.”
“And that’s probably been very hard for you, especially if you don’t have any support yourself (I hope you do).”
“Be kinder to yourself, you’re grieving and will need some time to heal.”
“If you need someone to talk to, feel free to DM me.” ~ Circinct
“The family will blame the victim if it’s easier than facing the truth.”
“Especially if that means having to face down bullies and narcissists that are terribly upset at the truth getting out.”
“It’s far more convenient to blame you rather than dealing with the real problem.”
“In other words, you did everything right – including exposing the lies in a public way.”
“I personally would refuse to argue and simply go no contact with anyone being critical.”
“You don’t owe them an explanation, let alone time to criticize or insult you.”
“If they were truly family, they would have been there to help all along.”
“The fact that they didn’t even bother tells you everything you need to know.”
“For those who use the excuse that your mom was taking care of everything, that’s an outright lie.”
“They could easily have found out the truth by attempting to visit her and being told there wasn’t anybody there by that name.” ~ Ready_Competition_66
“My condolences. My grandparents raised me and I still feel their loss deeply even though it’s been a very long time.”
“You completely were in the right to set the record straight.”
“If people got in trouble it was for their own behavior, not yours. Reminds me of that saying, ‘If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better’ although in this case, it would be speaking.”
“They have only themselves to blame for their deceit and lies finally catching up to them.”
“You honestly reacted much better than I would have in that situation.”
“If your cousin or anyone contacts you again, simply let them know you would happily provide receipts to show that what you said was the truth.”
“They can handle dealing with your mother for her fraud.”
“Again, kudos for how you handled it because I would have gone off.”
“NTA whatsoever, but some of your family members definitely are.” ~ crushiez
“NTA. Of course, you behaved poorly.”
“You put all their business out there for all to hear and see. 😂.”
“You literally pulled their pants down and showed their a** to the whole world and removed all the smokescreens and bulls**t.”
“You: every single word out of your mouth is complete and utter s**t.”
“Them: HOW DARE YOU EXPOSE ME/US?!!!!”
“Good job, OP 👍🏽.” ~ fbi_does_not_warn
“NTA you just told the truth.”
“Everyone living with consequences is actually living with the results of their own actions OP.”
“All the best.” ~ Organic_Start_420
“NTA. You told the truth.”
“The truth exposed your mother’s hypocrisy and how she was scamming the family for money.”
“It also exposed the scams of those who were pretending to care.”
“The term for this is ‘poetic justice,’ and it was overdue.” ~ extinct_diplodocus
“NTA. You let the truth come to light.”
“YOU didn’t cause anything- their selfishness was finally repaid.”
“The people who called you to tell you that you handled things poorly can go f**k right the f**k off.”
“Of course, they think that they’ve never had to face your grandparents in their final years!”
“They were all perfectly fine using them as excuses to get out of work and to get money from others. F**k ’em.” ~ StellarPhenom420
“I’m sorry for your loss. NTA.”
“You didn’t ruin a funeral.”
“You ruined your mom’s scam and I’m cheering for you.”
“I wish you all the best.”
“You did a good job taking care of your grandparents and you deserve some peace.” ~ No_Goose_7390
OP came back with an update…
“Thank you all.”
“I felt I was the a**hole because of how badly I reacted at the memorial service my mother held.”
“It was very far out of character for me.”
“I am usually very quiet, and I don’t talk too often, much like my grandpa.”
“I screamed at them, I cried, I waved my arms, and made an absolute spectacle of my grief.”
“I feel so embarrassed by how I argued and carried on.”
“Several family members are asking questions and seem genuinely bewildered by the circumstances.”
“This happened on Sunday and it’s Friday now, I am still feeling as lost as I did at first.”
“One of my uncles did lose his job, that was confirmed earlier.”
“He had multiple schemes going on at his workplace with a need for a medical lift bed for grandma and got his coworkers to donate around 8k in total.”
“The gossip queens that attended the funeral told everyone Monday morning and by Monday afternoon he was in trouble with H[uman] R[esources].”
“This wasn’t the only way he tried to earn funds. There are at least two others I know about from his son.”
“His son, my cousin, is furious with his dad and my mom.”
“He and several other cousins of mine are suing my mother for taking funds from them.”
“They thought they were helping pay for 24-hour care at an assisted living facility.”
“Every month my mother was collecting between 2,000 and 9,000 from family members.”
“She would lament to them how hard and soul-crushing it was to see such strong people just staring vacantly off into space, how they were unresponsive, but this wasn’t true.”
“My cousins apologized for not reaching out to me, but I’m not very close with anyone in my family.”
“Some of you guessed it in the DM’s, but yeah, I was an affair baby.”
“I came out ‘wrong’, and my mother’s husband divorced her over it.”
“The people I was closest to growing up were my grandparents.”
“It’s bad enough that some of the cousins forgot I was a family member at all.”
“It’s a huge mess, they’re apologizing but I just don’t want anything to do with them.”
“Grandpa’s business is not worth millions, but it pays the bills.”
“It’s a handyman company.”
“My family is asking about the company, how everything is going there and I’m putting up a stony face.”
“It’s not the family business, it’s mine, and it has been for years.”
“All of the employees respect me because I treat them the same way Grandpa did.”
“I do still mess up some things that they tease me for.”
“It’s a very friendly place to work.”
“One of Grandpa’s properties is just a fenced-in yard with covered storage for the different projects.”
“It’s right next to the business property and is just where we work on remodeling old RVs or turning vans into RVs.”
“We have a few friends parked there, too, but it’s just a dirt lot with gravel, a fence, and a cover.”
“There are some security cameras there, and so far, no issues.”
“I thought I would give an overall update and just thank you all for the support.”
“I’ve felt so lost and I really did think I was TA for exposing them.”
“Jobs are important and hard to come by out here and it’s not just going to affect them.”
“It’s going to affect their partners, their children, and even their pets.”
“I feel most guilty about who else exposing them affected.”
“Thank you, I really didn’t expect this to blow up like it did.”
“I was never ‘supposed’ to be angry about anything, but seeing all the comments cussing out my family has been more cathartic than I can express.”
Well, OP, as you can see, Reddit is with you all the way.
You keep taking care of yourself.
It sounds like you had a very special relationship with your grandparents. That’s beautiful.
So sorry for your loss and this family nonsense.
Good luck.