Grief is, unfortunately, an inevitable part of life.
What can make grief more difficult is family drama.
Every family has its issues, but some are on another level.
And big events like death and funerals tend to bring out the fireworks.
Redditor PonderosaWillow wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for ruining a funeral and potentially costing a lot of family members their jobs?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My grandparents passed away recently."
"I followed the guidelines my grandma set up for her final event."
"Her Church, her burial plot, her casket, and the same for my grandpa."
"I just didn't expect for it to be a joint funeral."
"I sent out the notifications to friends of theirs and family after the date was set in stone."
"Their friends all came, and so did most of my grandma's church but no family showed up."
"I wasn't surprised, I hadn't seen most of them in about 4 years."
"I had a great time with my grandparent's friends and then I went back home and cried my heart out."
"I had been their sole caregiver and I didn't know what to do without them."
"I had taken care of them for 15 years."
"It started with little things like lifting heavy things and escalated to needing to change the bed twice a night sometimes."
"I was empty and started to scroll through my grandpa's Facebook to see pictures he posted before his memory went."
"I found a group, started about 3 years ago that was being flooded with activity."
"When I went poking around I found out it was my mother who was hosting a funeral at her church and was 'trying to get final expenses taken care of.'"
"I was stunned."
"Here was the woman I hadn't spoken to since throwing her out of the house for stealing jewelry and upsetting grandma terribly by using her Alzheimer's against her."
"'How could you forget my birthday! You promised to give me this!'"
"I went to the funeral my mother had planned and listened to the pastor and then my mother got up to talk."
"She told everyone how hard it was taking care of them and something inside me roared to life."
"I don't remember everything I said, but it did include that she didn't pay for anything for them, not their caskets, not their burial plots, not their cremation, nothing."
"I told everyone I put them to rest at the funeral grandma planned herself 4 days prior."
"I said she'd never paid for any of their care or even seen them for 4 years."
"I was asked to leave and drove home."
"Later, a cousin asked me if what I said was true, and when I said it was and I could provide proof, they explained my mother had been taking funds from the family for years to pay for their care at a facility because they had outlived their insurance policy."
"They also explained I got a lot of people in trouble because somewhere in the speech, I shouted I had done it all alone for years without any help."
"A lot of family members used my grandparents as an excuse to get out of work and had invited their coworkers to the funeral."
"By hearing my outburst they were now in trouble for lying as to the reasons to leave work or miss days."
"She then went on to ask me about the inheritance and when that would be passed out."
"I told her that if anyone had earned the inheritance, it had already been taken care of."
"I thought I was in the right, but now I'm doubting myself after so many cousins and family members are calling to tell me I handled it really poorly."
"Did I handle this badly?"
"Everyone's telling me I did."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Absolutely NTA!!"
"I am going through something similar, and if I was presented with a situation like this, I'd react the same way." ~ Forward-Step-4234
"NTA. You did a tremendous job of caregiving."
"If they had been in a facility with 24/7 care, the cost would have been a minimum of $50,000 per person annually."
"Whatever they left you out have you, you earned the times the value."
"Do not give one cent to those liars." ~ WatermelonRindPickle
"NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Do not feel you, in any way, made a mistake."
"You called out all the wrongs that were being done at your and your grandparent's expense, as they should have been."
"Hopefully, your family will be filing suit with your mother."
"No one, besides yourself, deserves ANYTHING from your grandparents' estate." ~ GrimSpirit42
"NTA. The people who were hurt by your outburst were liars and users."
"They deserved what they got."
"You only exposed their ill-doings." ~ Regular_Boot_3540
"NTA. I'm honestly not entirely sure how you could have handled that better without being ignored."
"Your family members created these situations for themselves and now must deal with the consequences."
"I mean most if not all of them came to their actual funerals!"
"You handled everything both for their care over the last 15 years and in their passing."
"And that's probably been very hard for you, especially if you don't have any support yourself (I hope you do)."
"Be kinder to yourself, you're grieving and will need some time to heal."
"If you need someone to talk to, feel free to DM me." ~ Circinct
"The family will blame the victim if it's easier than facing the truth."
"Especially if that means having to face down bullies and narcissists that are terribly upset at the truth getting out."
"It's far more convenient to blame you rather than dealing with the real problem."
"In other words, you did everything right - including exposing the lies in a public way."
"I personally would refuse to argue and simply go no contact with anyone being critical."
"You don't owe them an explanation, let alone time to criticize or insult you."
"If they were truly family, they would have been there to help all along."
"The fact that they didn't even bother tells you everything you need to know."
"For those who use the excuse that your mom was taking care of everything, that's an outright lie."
"They could easily have found out the truth by attempting to visit her and being told there wasn't anybody there by that name." ~ Ready_Competition_66
"My condolences. My grandparents raised me and I still feel their loss deeply even though it's been a very long time."
"You completely were in the right to set the record straight."
"If people got in trouble it was for their own behavior, not yours. Reminds me of that saying, 'If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better' although in this case, it would be speaking."
"They have only themselves to blame for their deceit and lies finally catching up to them."
"You honestly reacted much better than I would have in that situation."
"If your cousin or anyone contacts you again, simply let them know you would happily provide receipts to show that what you said was the truth."
"They can handle dealing with your mother for her fraud."
"Again, kudos for how you handled it because I would have gone off."
"NTA whatsoever, but some of your family members definitely are." ~ crushiez
"NTA. Of course, you behaved poorly."
"You put all their business out there for all to hear and see. 😂."
"You literally pulled their pants down and showed their a** to the whole world and removed all the smokescreens and bulls**t."
"You: every single word out of your mouth is complete and utter s**t."
"Them: HOW DARE YOU EXPOSE ME/US?!!!!"
"Good job, OP 👍🏽." ~ fbi_does_not_warn
"NTA you just told the truth."
"Everyone living with consequences is actually living with the results of their own actions OP."
"All the best." ~ Organic_Start_420
"NTA. You told the truth."
"The truth exposed your mother's hypocrisy and how she was scamming the family for money."
"It also exposed the scams of those who were pretending to care."
"The term for this is 'poetic justice,' and it was overdue." ~ extinct_diplodocus
"NTA. You let the truth come to light."
"YOU didn't cause anything- their selfishness was finally repaid."
"The people who called you to tell you that you handled things poorly can go f**k right the f**k off."
"Of course, they think that they've never had to face your grandparents in their final years!"
"They were all perfectly fine using them as excuses to get out of work and to get money from others. F**k 'em." ~ StellarPhenom420
"I'm sorry for your loss. NTA."
"You didn't ruin a funeral."
"You ruined your mom's scam and I'm cheering for you."
"I wish you all the best."
"You did a good job taking care of your grandparents and you deserve some peace." ~ No_Goose_7390
OP came back with an update...
"Thank you all."
"I felt I was the a**hole because of how badly I reacted at the memorial service my mother held."
"It was very far out of character for me."
"I am usually very quiet, and I don't talk too often, much like my grandpa."
"I screamed at them, I cried, I waved my arms, and made an absolute spectacle of my grief."
"I feel so embarrassed by how I argued and carried on."
"Several family members are asking questions and seem genuinely bewildered by the circumstances."
"This happened on Sunday and it's Friday now, I am still feeling as lost as I did at first."
"One of my uncles did lose his job, that was confirmed earlier."
"He had multiple schemes going on at his workplace with a need for a medical lift bed for grandma and got his coworkers to donate around 8k in total."
"The gossip queens that attended the funeral told everyone Monday morning and by Monday afternoon he was in trouble with H[uman] R[esources]."
"This wasn't the only way he tried to earn funds. There are at least two others I know about from his son."
"His son, my cousin, is furious with his dad and my mom."
"He and several other cousins of mine are suing my mother for taking funds from them."
"They thought they were helping pay for 24-hour care at an assisted living facility."
"Every month my mother was collecting between 2,000 and 9,000 from family members."
"She would lament to them how hard and soul-crushing it was to see such strong people just staring vacantly off into space, how they were unresponsive, but this wasn't true."
"My cousins apologized for not reaching out to me, but I'm not very close with anyone in my family."
"Some of you guessed it in the DM's, but yeah, I was an affair baby."
"I came out 'wrong', and my mother's husband divorced her over it."
"The people I was closest to growing up were my grandparents."
"It's bad enough that some of the cousins forgot I was a family member at all."
"It's a huge mess, they're apologizing but I just don't want anything to do with them."
"Grandpa's business is not worth millions, but it pays the bills."
"It's a handyman company."
"My family is asking about the company, how everything is going there and I'm putting up a stony face."
"It's not the family business, it's mine, and it has been for years."
"All of the employees respect me because I treat them the same way Grandpa did."
"I do still mess up some things that they tease me for."
"It's a very friendly place to work."
"One of Grandpa's properties is just a fenced-in yard with covered storage for the different projects."
"It's right next to the business property and is just where we work on remodeling old RVs or turning vans into RVs."
"We have a few friends parked there, too, but it's just a dirt lot with gravel, a fence, and a cover."
"There are some security cameras there, and so far, no issues."
"I thought I would give an overall update and just thank you all for the support."
"I've felt so lost and I really did think I was TA for exposing them."
"Jobs are important and hard to come by out here and it's not just going to affect them."
"It's going to affect their partners, their children, and even their pets."
"I feel most guilty about who else exposing them affected."
"Thank you, I really didn't expect this to blow up like it did."
"I was never 'supposed' to be angry about anything, but seeing all the comments cussing out my family has been more cathartic than I can express."
Well, OP, as you can see, Reddit is with you all the way.
You keep taking care of yourself.
It sounds like you had a very special relationship with your grandparents. That's beautiful.
So sorry for your loss and this family nonsense.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp