Being a teenage parent is a seriously difficult situation.
Kids having kids need all the help they can get.
So when others step up to pitch in, a little humility and thanks can go a long way.
Or at the very least a little respect.
The family situation is already strained with the stress of the pregnancy.
So it may be a good idea to keep things peaceful.
Case in point...
Redditor Throwawa-y1058 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my son's pregnant girlfriend that if she keeps disrespecting me she can get the F out of my house?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (43 F[emale]) have a son (18 M[ale]) who got his high school girlfriend (18 F) pregnant."
"It was obviously an unplanned pregnancy and it resulted in my son's girlfriend getting kicked out of her house by her mom."
"I never liked this girl, but I obviously couldn't let her live on the streets now that she's carrying my grandchild, so I let her live in our house."
"Now both she and my son gave up on college for the near future and my son is now working a full-time job so he can provide for them in the future."
"The problem is that his girlfriend refuses to do anything, absolutely anything all day, she just locks herself up in my son's room eating snacks and watching videos on (my son's) computer."
"I need to drag her out to just help me with cooking and to clean up at least the room she's staying in."
"But she's always b*tching about how I'm working her like a slave even though she's already in constant pain cause of her pregnancy and then she'll come crying to my son about my treatment of her."
"Mind you, she doesn't have a high-risk pregnancy (I know that cause me and my husband are the ones fully paying for her medical controls)."
"And I don't put her up to do tasks like cleaning the toilet or anything similar."
"However she really crossed the line when after I got dressed up she asked me where I was going."
"When I told her that I was getting ready for church, her exact response was: 'I didn't know there were churches that were allowing people looking like striptease dancers in.'"
"At that point, I absolutely had it with her and I told her straight that I didn't care who TF she is, I wouldn't allow her to disrespect me while living in my house."
"And if she can't keep her attitude in check then she can get the hell out of my home."
"She pretty much started crying at that point and immediately called my son."
"Who later on also gave me attitude for treating his girlfriend like garbage when I don't know what she's going through (eye roll)."
"My husband also thinks that while she was definitely out of line with that, she was probably only acting out because of pregnancy hormones and that I could've handled the situation better without straight up threatening to leave her homeless."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You should make it clear to your son that his girlfriend needs to earn her keep ASAP." ~ GroundbreakingTwo201
"Completely agree."
"There are very simple things she can do to help around the house. NTA." ~ Ok-Ebb4485
"To be fair, being pregnant and all, that might not be realistic at the moment."
"G[irl]F[riend] should be doing chores without complaint, and OP's son better be busting his a** to earn ends money to move out." ~ GroundbreakingTwo201
"Assuming she's still a few months away from giving birth she could at least be doing some online certifications to make finding a job down the line easier."
"The impression I'm getting is she's going to expect to be taken care of and not have to do anything herself."
"Hope she grows out of this." ~ Pupniko
"Maybe she can't find a job now because she's pregnant, but many, if not most, women are already working when they find out they are pregnant and yet are somehow, shocking as it may sound, able to continue working during their pregnancies.
"And then going home and taking care of their s*it there."
"Yet this G[irl]F[riend], who is having a normal (not high-risk) pregnancy, can't even clean up after herself?
And has the sheer audacity to bite the hand that literally feeds (and houses and provides medical care for) her?
"And OP's son is honestly just as bad as his GF."
"After everything, his parents are doing for him, his girlfriend, and their unborn child, this little d**k allows his GF to be a complete and utter freeloader, allows her to continually disrespect his mother in her own home, and then tops it off by getting mad at mom for it?"
"Oh hell no."
"OP, draw a line in the sand now. For both of them." ~ Baldassm
"OP needs to turn off the internet."
"She probably bought the laptop for her son, so she needs to demand that back as well."
"Not sure who's paying for the phone plan, but those settings can be adjusted too."
"Give this girl zero entertainment, maybe she'll find some motivation to help out?" ~ dev-246
"I really hate the hormone bulls**t excuse for bad behavior." ~ Critical_Grab_8275
"Same here. I have been pregnant three times and my hormones were absolutely wild, especially with the last one."
"I'd cry for no good reason sometimes, absolutely, but it was no excuse to treat people like sh*t OR to be a lazy sack of crap."
"I was uncomfortable toward the end with the last two, but my house was clean (less so as more babies were in the picture, but still), and I fed all of us."
"This girl is acting like she should be able to sit on her a** 100% of the time while everyone treats her like a princess."
"Pregnancy is not a disability." ~ oo-mox83
"I don't know the conversation that preceded them moving in, but it sure sounds as if OP has any responsibility for how everything is right now."
"It's not making it clear what she expected when she moved in."
"OP is at a crossroads."
"Kick out the person that is disrespecting her and expecting her to foot the bill and responsibility, or she can have a serious sit down with the GF and her son about expectations going forward."
"Both the son and GF are legal adults, but let's face it, they're kids."
"They have no idea how the world works."
"Given her attitude, it seems clear the GF was never prepared for bullshit in life anywhere near this level."
"OP is the adult here, and her responsibility to offer proper help here, and she and her husband may have dropped the ball here."
"For the sake of the future grandkid and her son, not even the GF, I would make a serious attempt at hashing everything expected of both of them to continue to receive the incredible help they are providing."
"Side note: She also needs to make sure that she is doing everything reasonably possible to make the GF feel welcome."
"She shouldn't be holding up in the room avoiding everybody because OP makes her uncomfortable."
"OP opened up her home to her."
"She can't be unconcerned with her comfort there."
"If all goes well, everybody is much happier, and OP's grandchild has a chance at a brighter future."
"If it goes to s**t, OP is 1000% justified in kicking her out and whatever guilt she may feel about leaving a pregnant woman on the street, no matter how awful she may have been to OP."
"It's alleviated with the knowledge that she did everything reasonably within her power to help but was straight up refused." ~ letstrythisagain30
"No one should have to have a conversation with you about cleaning up your own mess. She's 18, not 5."
"The girlfriend should be grateful OP opened up their home to her, yet she seems to disrespect OP every chance she gets."
"Pregnant or not, I'm not walking on eggshells in my own home."
"The girlfriend can get her s**t together and start being respectful or they can find somewhere else to live." ~ Bubbles033
"If things were truly that easy, OP wouldn't be posting here."
"Human behavior and relationships are complicated, and it's extremely rare for there to be 100% fault in one party over the other in any but the craziest of scenarios."
"Even if OP is 99% in the right here, not accepting that 1% can severely hinder a resolution that leaves everybody happy."
"So OP can focus on how she has been wronged here, and she has, or she can focus on a solution." ~ letstrythisagain30
"NTA. She needed the wake-up call."
"You're all she has."
"Don't bite the hand that feeds you."
"Called my son, who later on also gave me attitude"
"Son also needs a firm reminder of who is doing whom the favors." ~ KronkLaSworda
"You can go with her."
"Neither of you should be disrespected in your own house."
"I don't care if she's pregnant or not."
"I worked my job until the day I had my kid I went from work to the hospital."
"At her age, there should be no problem with her helping out and keeping her mouth shut. Same for your son." ~ doglover507071956
"NTA. Keep your word of kicking her out if she's disrespectful again."
"You are paying for her everything!"
"She's not being mistreated."
"Pregnancies do not cause un-abling pain, and she could at least do the bed."
"She's an ungrateful, entitled brat. No hormones cause this rudeness and lack of consideration." ~ People_Watcher9306
Well, OP, Reddit is very clearly with you.
You don't deserve disrespect.
You and your husband are going above and beyond.
This young lady and your son need a strong talking to.
Maybe it's time to build a bridge with her family.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp