Divorce brings along so many problems.
On the top of the problem list is scheduling the time with the children.
Some parents play fast and loose.
Some are rigid and demand a schedule.
No matter the situation, communication is key.
Communication issues means chaos.
Case in point…
Redditor starless012 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for going on my sister’s bachelorette trip instead of taking my daughter to see her paternal family?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Twice a year I take my daughter to see my ex’s family, per our agreement.”
“However, my sister had a bachelorette trip during the same week I was supposed to take my daughter to see them.”
“My sister has children and so do the majority of the people she invited so she decided to make the trip kid friendly and asked me to bring my daughter too.”
“I called my ex and told him about the trip since I needed his permission to take our daughter to Paris and he said it was fine.”
“But it was pretty obvious he was busy and was just trying to get me off the phone.”
“We never had a follow up conversation.”
“And I don’t think he made the connection that I was supposed to take her to see his family then but two days into the trip he called me and was furious that I hadn’t taken her to see them.”
“He said his family had been waiting for us and I needed to go to them immediately.”
“He kept bringing up our agreement and telling me off for not sticking to it and I ended up hanging up on him because he wasn’t listening to anything I said.”
“Even now that we’re home, he keeps bringing up the fact that I broke our agreement and how that means he no longer feels obliged to stick to it either.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, he gave verbal permission.”
“It’s on him that he didn’t pay attention to the dates.”
“INFO: why isn’t HE taking kiddo to see his own dang family?”
“I’d rather peel my own skin off with a rusty spoon than spend time with my ex’s family.” ~ TCTX73
“My thoughts exactly.”
“Why is OP the one taking her daughter to spend time with the ex-in-laws?”
“Why does the father not do that during his visitation time?”
“It seems like the paternal grandparents care more about visitation than their son, so they need to take that up with him.”
“OP got permission.”
“It’s not her fault that her ex couldn’t be bothered to run it by his family, and probably only got mad because his parents were upset.” ~ Ok-Succotash7483
“Yep! And let me note, I do like my ex in laws.”
“They’re just a LOT, and it’s my kids’ father’s job to make sure they see the kids.”
“My part (as well as the OP’s) of fostering a relationship between the kid(s) and them ended when the adult relationship ended.” ~ TCTX73
“My dad was pretty s**t and the only reason I know my family on his side (who I love dearly) is because my mother put the effort in to bring me to see them when he couldn’t care less!”
“Don’t get me wrong OP is 100% NTA here.”
“But just as someone who’s had a shi**y dad and still loves my paternal grandparents/family I don’t think it’s bad or wrong of OP to bring her daughter to see her paternal family.”
“Sounds like the father is a major AH here.”
“One weekend not seeing them when he agreed she could bring her daughter isn’t the end of the world.”
“Plus I bet the kiddo will be so excited to tell her family about Paris the next time she sees them.” ~ Organic-Accountant74
“NTA. He okayed it. It’s on him to notify his family.”
“In the future, send a follow up email summarizing the conversation regarding any schedule changes.”
“It’ll just help cover your behind if needed.” ~ Ok-Mode-2038
“NTA. He gave you verbal approval.”
“That he didn’t check the dates when you spoke, and then didn’t communicate with you about the yearly trip ’til after your daughter didn’t show up tells a lot.”
“He doesn’t really care.”
“If he did, he would have checked the dates before saying it was okay, and he would have touched base with you prior to any trip.”
“Actually, let me say this, if he really cared he’d take responsibility for arranging to see his daughter himself and not expect his ex to do it for him.”
“He’s just pissed because his family wanted to see your daughter and he has no good excuse for having forgotten about the trip to France.”
“So he’s using you as a scape goat.” ~ disappointedve
“NTA. You asked. He approved.”
“Though it’s too bad you didn’t get it writing.”
“But maybe you could have sent an email to his family saying that he approved the change on the phone.”
“That would have gotten you off the hook, kept his family informed, and made him look bad.” ~ TracyMinOB
“NTA, he said it was fine, he should’ve been paying attention.”
“However maybe letting his family know as a courtesy yourself would’ve been a good idea?”
“Maybe in future also do it over text so you have proof of permission, in case it needs to go through court or social work or anything.” ~ gorgeouswvr
“You take your daughter to see your exes family so that she doesn’t miss out on a weekend with her?”
“Why does he not use one of his weekends to take her and visit his family?”
“He will still be spending time with her AND his family.”
“Plus, there should always be some flexibility for something special, and this was a special occasion. NTA.” ~ nemc222
A few differing opinions emerged…
“ESH. He should, of course, actually be listening when you two are discussing your daughter.”
“It’s not your job to manage his calendar, and he should have been paying attention.”
“But that said, it doesn’t sound like things are acrimonious between you.”
“And you heavily suspected he didn’t fully understand what you were saying by phone, which can happen, even between good friends.”
“And instead of sending a simple two line text or email – ‘To be clear, this trip to Paris is scheduled for the same time as the trip to see your family, so the family trip will have to be cancelled or rescheduled. Ok?'”
“To keep the co-parenting relationship clear (and to cover your a**, legally speaking), you just went with it.”
“And now there’s a boatload of drama that could have been avoided on both sides, and a child who might feel like she’s in the middle.” ~ PARA9535307
“Reading OP’s comments, this is a SOLID YTA post.”
“OP stated that they have the agreement that they have because the father’s job keeps him busy and requires a LOT of travel.”
“So they agreed to her having full-custody on the condition that she take the daughter to visit his family since everyone’s in different countries.”
“And she even admits that she suspected that he was too distracted to actually understand what she was saying.”
“She basically saw a chance to get what she wanted by taking advantage of a misunderstanding.”
“And she took and now she’s whining because she’s rightfully being called out for using his confusion to break the agreement.”
“And had no intention of making up the trip to his family until it kept being recommended to her, here.” ~ Amaterasu_Junia
“ESH. It’s just twice a year. You knew the implication, but pulled a fast one.”
“There were other solutions available.”
“You could have asked to move her time with his family.”
“You could have asked your sister to move the bachelorette party.”
“Or you could have gone to the bachelorette party and had someone else take your daughter to see his family.”
“That said, you can try to make it up to them by offering a replacement family visit.”
“There’s no reason this has to cause her time with his family to get cancelled.”
“Also, while it may feel like this is a conflict between you and your ex, the one really missing out may very well be your daughter.”
“So try to support her contact with her relatives.”
“That’s what this is about.” ~ PetrogradSwe
Reddit continued…
“Next time get it in writing—even if it just texting.”
“NTA You’re not your his wife or his secretary.”
‘It’s not your job to worry about his social calendar.”
“You asked and he gave you verbal consent to take your daughter out of the country.”
“You’re morally in the clear—however, if nothing else, this shows you need to see your attorney.”
“If he denies the conversation happened, it’s he said/she said.” ~ veni_vidi_dixi
“NTA but you really need to get things in writing.”
“The person is an ex for a reason and now that they are threatening retaliation, that is not cool.”
“Whatever his next move is, get it in writing.”
“Whatever you do next, get it in writing. Divorce sucks.”
“Divorce with kids sucks even worse.” ~ plainfully_oblivious
Well OP, it sounds like Reddit, for the most part, is with you.
Though it feels like you and the ex may need better communication moving forward.
That is always key in these situations.
Good luck going forward.