Content Warning: Discussions of Depression, Therapy, and Chronic Illness
We've surely all gone through some tough phases in our lives, some including issues with work, money, health, or love.
But sometimes when we look back at the memories of these tough times, we have to admit that we were part of the problem, if not the entire problem, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Throwawaymals was still angry about her divorce that had taken place seven years prior, and now that her alimony checks were running out, she was angry with how her ex-husband seemed to be moving on.
When he critiqued how she felt about him and how she was portraying him to their children, the Original Poster (OP) couldn't believe his attitude.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for showing 'everybody' what my ex wrote on his final check to me?"
The OP was still angry about her divorce.
"I (51 Female) divorced my ex-husband (53 Male) seven years ago. We were married for 14 years and had three kids together (24 Male, 22 Female, and 18 Female)."
"I was a SAHM (Stay-at-Home Mom) and I suffered from constipation that, while doctors say isn't definitely IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), has made me suffer from joint and back pain when I eat things like dairy or any of my other food sensitivities."
"We live in New Jersey and the judge made it so that child support and alimony would both end at the same time."
I had a lot of issues in my marriage, but at the very least, I have three great kids that I love and who love me."
The OP had a lot of hard feelings toward her ex-husband.
"My ex has been very bitter, saying I should have wanted counseling even though I was completely neurotypical and it was him suffering from depression."
"He also discredited my want to divorce by saying I was acting out of emotion and asked me to take a step back and think, as if I haven't been thinking before."
"He was always working 12-hour days and overtime, and I was the one taking care of and giving the kids what they needed."
Fortunately, the OP's children were thriving.
"My son now has graduated college and is a genius. He has his own app development company and makes more than my ex and I could ever dream of making in a year."
"My 22-year-old daughter has a degree in nursing and is marrying and her fiance comes from money so she's set as well."
"My 18-year-old has done well in school, too."
The OP wasn't doing quite so well.
"However, as for me, I've been suffering from menopause and back aches and a lot of the entry-level jobs that would hire me would leave me in pain and exhausted. That hasn't stopped my ex from griping and dismissing my real pains."
"Long story short, he sent me my last child support and alimony check. In the memo of the alimony check, he wrote, 'Freedom, good luck then.'"
"It was such a mockery to the health issues I've suffered and all I've put into the family."
The note on the alimony check quickly spread among the family.
"I showed my friends and they agreed he's still a blunt, daft individual."
"My 18-year-old was there and she said she couldn't believe he thought that way of her."
"Then my older kids found out through screenshots, and because of my health issues, my son has been sending me 3,000 dollars a month while my ex sends me $2.5k, plus what's needed for our youngest daughter."
"He spent a lot of his childhood with unmarried parents and resents the fact my ex proposed to his girlfriend (48 Female) after only two years of dating. He called his dad a b**tard and said he and my 22-year-old would always help me out."
"He had been saying he would just make up what I'd lose from my ex because he could afford $5.5k, but he told me my ex had been telling him to save his money and only send me under $2k."
"My ex is now backtracking and saying he only wrote it on 'my' check, but the kids are not amused."
"He invited them to his wedding but my 22-year-old said she might be better off just focusing on her own wedding, and that she'd help me out too if I needed it."
"AITA for blasting him when he clearly wrote it to be seen? He's always painted me as the greedy ex, it seems."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some called the OP the AH for her comments about mental health and marriage counseling.
"YTA."
"There were problems in the marriage. He suggested counseling. You refused because 'you are neurotypical and he's depressed.'"
"Holy s**t. He wanted to save the marriage. You said it was his fault. You refused to go to counseling."
"Dude is 53, working 12-hour days, and sending you $30,000 per year… for what? You can't get a job because of constipation? How the h**l did you convince a judge he should pay you for seven years?"
"You're definitely the a**hole here. Now you're going to mooch off your kids."
"The sense of entitlement is unreal." - The-Francois8
"I'm confused by the insinuation that only neurodivergent individuals can benefit from therapy? Anyone, neurotypical or neurodivergent aside, can benefit from therapy. Reading your post, it sounds like you would fall into that category. YTA." - 14ccet1
"Furthermore, she said her ex had depression, and that counseling offer was probably as much to help him as her. Dude was working 12 hours a day and depressed and still wanted to make time to actively fix their problems. She's complaining about him mocking her physical health issues while actively dismissing his mental health issues." - Reverend_Lazerface
"Mental health professional here, and it literally hurt me from cringing so hard when I read the neurodivergent part. I don't think OP really knows what the world means and equates chemical imbalances and things like trauma to being neurodivergent... which, OP, this is not what it means and you should discontinue using that word until you understand it. YTA." - Witchywoman4201
"The way OP also brushed past the divorce reasoning. "He was depressed" and they were just neurotypical. Asking for counseling and taking a step back before proceeding with divorce. Working 12-hour days to support the family."
"OP can do whatever they want but it sounds like the ex was trying to find something to help save the marriage and OP just wanted a pity party. OP is the AH. Ex maybe snarky since divorce but I don't blame them." - softstones
Others agreed and sympathized with the ex-husband's alimony note.
"Why are her kids supporting her financially when she's constipated? I'm so confused. This guy seems to be behaving like any tired ex-spouse would. I'm ready to divorce her, too, after reading that crazy post." - ireaditonreddit_kara
"1. You showed the cheque to your children, so YOU want it to be seen."
"2. Your husband was referring to his freedom to pay. Not great but I don't think he was referring to your health."
"3. Your kids are giving you a LOT of money each month. Lucky you. You knew this day was coming, but you don't seem to have prepared."
"I'm glad your children are turning out successful. I'm sorry for your pain. It does sound like you are helping to turn your kids against their father (and a 53-year-old man dating a 48-year-old woman five years after a separation is not shocking). You wanted the divorce, so glad he moved on."
"Ultimately, YTA for how you are turning your kids against their dad when he comes across as reasonable." - AgentRevolutionary99
"How does one take the words, 'Freedom, good luck then' to translate to 'a mockery to the health issues I've suffered and all I've put into the family'? How does marrying someone new after two years of dating make him a 'b**tard' in the eyes of his son? What does being neurotypical have to do with a request for counseling?" - 3_hit_wonder
"What he wrote wasn't even bad! Of course the guy doesn't want to keep paying alimony to an ex who clearly hates him. Regardless of if he was a d**k or not when they were married, OF COURSE, he doesn't want to keep sending her money. 'Freedom, good luck then' is a perfectly understandable statement to say in the situation." - JelmerMcGee
Some felt that the OP simply did not want to work or take responsibility for her actions.
"The money her kids are giving her to support only herself is equivalent to my gross income on which I support myself, my girlfriend (who has serious mental health issues and still manages to work more than OP, but still not much), and I am renovating a house. And that isn't even taking into account that she might not be paying taxes on it and I am."
"That kind of makes it hard to sympathize with her even if the entitlement vibe wasn't so strong." - RutzButtercup
"..........You take how much money from your KIDS?? Are you sure you're not greedy??? Get a job, lady." - CartographerGlass85
"She super brushed passed the 'worked 12-hour days and overtime.' I just finished a 12-day week with 12 hours a day, and let me tell you, that isn't just draining; it literally made me feel like I was dying. I get she has constipation and 'neurotypical' (haha), but the fact that he was mentioning counseling shows he's got a lot more patience than a lot of people."
"OP: YTA you did what no one should do, air dirty laundry to your children. As an outsider, that only reads one way: you want your kids to hate their father. All of this is over him saying he got his financial freedom back. I know you won't but you should feel ashamed of yourself." - ChaseNBread
"YTA for sure. Your husband worked himself into depression to make sure you and his children were taken care of. Your response was to divorce him rather than support him. Now, since you have no skills outside of whining about money, you need to mooch off of your children."
"You had a hardworking husband who gave all he had, and now he seems to have found someone who appreciates that. I hope he's found happiness, and I hope you learn from your mistakes."
"At your age, you're about to find out the men who can take care of you are being taken care of by younger, more attractive women." - chevelle71
Though the OP clearly came to the subreddit expecting sympathy, the subreddit was not ready to deliver. Rather, they took issue with how she spoke about her ex-husband's mental health, as well as her lack of appreciation for the many hours of hard work he'd put in, during and after their marriage, to care for her and her children.
Since they'd divorced seven years prior, it seemed the OP should have been able to find some kind of work that suited her by now, even if it was a simple part-time work-from-home job that could be completed from the couch.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.