Particularly since 2020, we've all been challenged to figure out our personal work-life balances.
Many of us have also had to figure out how to incorporate work into our homes, like Zoom calls, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, which doesn't always mesh well with our families.
Redditor Throwaway_Husband0 struggled to compromise with his husband when one needed to be on an important Zoom call and the other really needed to get some rest.
When his husband became furious with him, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he could have handled the situation differently.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not holding my daughter so my husband could nap?"
The OP and his husband's responsibilities at home were not equal.
"I (36 Male) am a professor at a local university. I love my job, but the amount of classes I teach makes it very demanding."
"We are decently wealthy due to stock investments, so my husband (also 36 Male) stays home with our daughter, who was born six months ago via surrogate."
"My husband wanted to be a stay-at-home husband and father."
"He does the majority of the housework, and I admit, I could definitely pitch in more when it comes to cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc."
"When it comes to our daughter, however, I consider myself to be very attentive and when I'm home before her bedtime, I put her to bed, play with her, feed her, etc."
The impact of these imbalanced responsibilities came to a head one night.
"This evening when I came home, I informed my husband I had an important presentation I was doing to be able to get a research grant for work."
"He was frazzled when I came home, and seemed pretty exhausted, and our daughter was crying."
"I held her for about ten minutes while he was able to shower and get changed, and she calmed down considerably in that time."
"However, when he came back downstairs and I tried to hand her off to attend my Zoom meeting, my husband wouldn't take her."
This turned into an argument.
"He said she had relaxed with me quickly and he wanted to go and sleep too, so he could catch up now that I was home and she had calmed down."
"I told him I had an important meeting in approximately 10 minutes, and I wouldn't be able to hold her during the meeting."
"I needed full mobility to present and type, and I didn't want to wake her."
"He exploded on me, saying I do nothing around the house, and he's exhausted all the time."
"I told him we can talk about the distribution of labor later, but that right now, I needed to go to my meeting and he couldn't sleep."
"I handed him back our daughter after a little more arguing and went to my meeting."
"When I came out, now he won't speak to me."
"AITA for refusing to hold my daughter until after the meeting?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some immediately questioned the OP because of his husband's condition.
"YTA, your husband is going to burn out and you seem to think a 10-minute break for a shower is doing enough?"
"It's 2022, not a single person in the world is going to blink about a baby in a Zoom meeting. Make time, quickly, or you will lose them both." - Secret_Werewolf1942
"I have been in plenty of academic and business meetings, moderated some, did language interpretation in some, and it'd be by far not the first child I see in one."
"Unless they are absolute supreme a**holes, which I admit do exist in the academy, they will not make a fuss about it. On the contrary." - retired-penguin
"The OP is full of insistence he is so busy, but he has no idea what it's like to only get a 10 minute break in 24 hours."
"This isn't just about the meeting - not helping with cleaning and cooking and laundry all affects him, is all a giant burden he is carrying while taking care of an infant. All of that is a part of parenting, and cuddling the baby when you get home doesn't make up for dumping everything else on him." - Music_withRocks_In
"I liked the, 'When I'm home, I'm very attentive' energy with a thrown in, 'If I'm home before she's asleep.' So STAD gets no breaks many nights and no support." - msharek
"My husband helps clean and was the cook for the first 7 months of my baby's life. I have just started cooking again since my baby got into solids."
"Distribution of labor is SO important for a functioning relationship and the mental health of both partners involved. Mine is incredibly attentive and helpful, and I still felt like I was drowning, especially when she was six months old because she never slept more than two hours at a time."
"I feel so bad for the stay at home parent. OP needs a reality check and SAHP should go get a hotel for three days, so they can see the difficulty of being home all day with the baby." - AdIntelligent8613
But others recognized how important a call about a research grant would be.
"What planet are you living on? [He] is trying to get a research grant."
"They are not going to think, 'Awww how cute.' They are going to think that this [man] has no work/life balance and [his] work will be affected by the baby." - Decent_Bandicoot122
"NTA."
"This is a presentation for a research grant. Of course he can't show up with a baby."
"This is not some committee meeting where he's supposed to just be a muted square for most of the conversation - this is a presentation he gives to his colleagues after which they will decide whether to give him money or not."
"It's not just a meeting, if anything it's closer to a job interview, as their family's income depends on it. It is absolutely not safe to assume that people would be okay with him showing up with a baby, academia doesn't work this way."
"People saying that all he would get is 'aww' from some people are dead wrong. But even if he knew for sure that all people in positions of power in academia are fine with babies, it's still crazy to give a research grant presentation with a baby in your hands."
"Also, babies cry. They don't just stay silent while dad is giving an hour long lecture to people on zoom, even if those people decide whether dad gets paid or not." - MemChoeret
"As a PhD student, I agree. I've heard people argue about whether they could give a professorship to somebody who took a year of parental leave during their post-doc."
"Academia, especially when older, male professors are involved (and they will be), is often super conservative, and a child during a research grant presentation is a no-go."
"The grant application would very likely be rejected just on the basis of the child being there. It will give the impression of poor time management skills, because if OP can't even manage to have two child-less hours for one of the most important meetings in his academic year, how will he fulfill the terms of the grant."
"Heck, I like children, and I would find this unprofessional. He might be able to get away with this during a lecture or a routine meeting, but never in a grant hearing. People who think otherwise have probably never worked in academia." - DasFischli
"I work in an environment where if I have one of my kiddos on my lap in a meeting, it's not a big deal. But it's a huge deal when I'm presenting, because I can't stop to address what a child is doing. It's happened to me during the pandemic!"
"The child is going to move around or cry, and I can't respond to them. I also lose my train of thought as I am literally speaking to a group of 30 to 50 people. It becomes awkward and intensely frustrating. And even if they're understanding, it's still a problem."
"Doing it while requesting a research grant in the academia environment, I think that it's outrageous to think that that's okay."
"And because they had specifically said in advance that they would not be able to take the kiddo during this meeting, the partner is the AH."
"In the grander scheme of things, sure we work out the division of labor, but not like this." - nariko-sedai
"100% agree, NTA. I am SAHM of 3... you do what you need to do, within reason (this is 100% reasonable) to support the paycheck."
"That's it. You're supporting the paycheck. So you can.. you know, live and stuff."
"And while their investments might be doing well now, that s**t can turn in a blink of an eye, and OP's job is going to be that more important."
"This isn't a Zoom call with students. This is 100% professional."
"OP, next time, stay at school to conduct a meeting like this. SAHD will work it out."
"FYI, I had 2 kids 21 months apart... I always showered. Get a bouncy seat for the bathroom. There are ways to safely secure a baby while you shower. They may cry, but crying is normal and won't hurt a well cared for a healthy baby." - AlbatrossSenior7101
"I used to work full time from home with two kids at home with me. I was constantly on zoom meetings with my kids."
"I used to be a campaign manager for a US Senate race and would bring my daughter to campaign events."
"Now I'm a stay at home mom again."
"My husband works from home. He often keeps our toddler in with him for small chunks of time during the day so I can take a break or a shower.
"He's even kept her for hours while he worked so I could lay down on days I didn't feel good."
"YTA."
"Being a stay at home parent is the HARDEST MOST EXHAUSTING AND DRAINING job I've ever had in my entire life."
"I used to work 60-80 hour weeks when I saw single with no kids and this is still harder. I'm constantly on the verge of burnout."
"Luckily I have a partner who understands that and works hard to support me." - nattatalie
"You absolutely do need to have that conversation about sharing household and parenting duties like TODAY, friend. Don't delay it unnecessarily."
"Your husband is probably right now feeling doubt that you will reopen the conversation and listen, so make it an actual priority."
"I don't blame your husband for losing it because fried is fried. A fried person has no inner resources left at all—been there, done that, much of my twins' first year is kind of a fog, with occasional moments I can recall clearly."
"I was in undergrad at the time and the only prof who got it was the one who was kind when separation anxiety made for problems at daycare dropoff. However, you couldn't really take the sleeping baby into a meeting where you would have to be active."
"Unfortunately, for all the terrific workmates and bosses who are compassionate and respectful when they see a colleague parenting on Zoom, there are lots of others who later send little emails about time management and employee responsibility for finding appropriate childcare."
"It's a sucky reality and only you know what it takes to navigate with your particular bosses. And some kinds of work, like presentations, aren't compatible with having a baby sleep on you."
"So Not The AH for pointing out that you genuinely couldn't be the duty parent right at that moment, with a scheduled presentation to give and 10 minutes' notice."
"But you will be the AH if you don't immediately come back to the table, ask what your husband needs to feel like a functional parent, and get going on solutions." - Amiedeslivres
While the subReddit could appreciate that the distribution of labor in the OP's household was in no way equal, they were otherwise divided on how to handle the Zoom call situation.
On the one hand, the OP needed to take the meeting to be able to provide for his family, and having a baby in attendance likely would not have given the impression he needed to earn the grant.
But on the other hand, his partner was struggling, and if the couple is unable to sort their responsibilities into reasonably similar lists, they might have other problems on the horizon that have very little to do with money.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp