The holidays can be tough. It's easy to paint on a smile and indulge in the Hallmark of it all.
But deep down for many, it can be a very painful time of year.
Tragedy and sadness doesn't take a holiday, and this particular holiday can be a profound reminder of great loss.
The older we get, the more we have to learn about navigating celebration and pain, for ourselves and others. And it is not a jolly situation.
Case in point...
Redditor MysteriousOption3067 wanted to discuss their story for some feedback. So naturally they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for 'not caring' about my neighbor's daughter's death?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So this just happened."
"I live in a gated community with my parents and my brother and his g[irl] f[riend], we all love Christmas so when it's time to decorate, we all have a great time doing it together as a family activity."
"Anyhow, we have a family as neighbors that had 2 little girls, sadly, one of the girls passed away like 1-2 weeks ago, we don't know what happened, just that it didn't happen in the house."
"So a few days ago we decorated and everything was fine, until it wasn't."
"Like an hour ago we heard someone nock on the door, so I go and it was my neighbors."
"I greeted them and commented on how lovely their dog is (they came over while walking him). They seemed stand-offish, like I had offended them or something, so I just asked if they wanted to come in."
"They said no and proceeded to yell at me about my family being disrespectful to their mourning and that it was inconsiderate for us to be in front of the house where they could see us, having fun decorating, and leaving all the decorations on when we 'obviously know how much it meant to their little girl.'"
"I was baffled to say the least."
"My dad heard the argument and came down and basically told them that he is deeply sorry for their loss, but that they can't expect all the families in the neighborhood to just 'cancel Christmas.'"
"Like would they get mad at family reunions to celebrate too?"
"He explained that Christmas is also a emotionally heavy for us, since it's the time of the year that both my parents were diagnosed with cancer, and had to spend several years on the hospital right in this season, so therefore, we use it to celebrate being all here and together."
"He told them they were more than welcome to come over to decorate the tree all together since the other little girl loves doing it, and that it would be something that could cheer her up a bit, but that they can't ask us to change our family dynamics."
"Whether we celebrate Christmas or not, and if we can 'go on with our lives' because they said that it's unfair that they're stuck with they're grief and nobody else is showing any."
"(We did send them flowers and cooked some meals to take to them so they wouldn't have to worry about cooking)."
"The mom started crying hysterically and acting a bit erratic, afterwards he kicked them out, and they left yelling all sorts of insults and stuff and saying we're awful neighbors for not caring about their daughter's death."
"My grandma said it cost us nothing to just take the decorations down and do family activities in other places, and that we were AHS for how we treated a grieving family."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP, and their family are NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. I mean, they're grieving so I get the super irrational behaviour."
"But you haven't done anything wrong and the neighbours will accept that to be true eventually. Maybe not this year, but eventually." ~ Distracted-Pancake
"OP's dad explained it perfectly. Their daughter's death sucks, but they can't take it out on others."
"OP's family didn't 'not care' about her death. They even sent flowers and cooked meals for the neighbors. Yelling and hurling insults makes the neighbors AHS." ~ GoodGirlsGrace
"While I definitely agree that OP is NTA I can't label the other family AHS."
"Yes their behavior is inappropriate but I can't even imagine the sheer pain and mental anguish of having a child die just weeks before Christmas."
"I'm sure they are lashing out in grief and an attempt to control something when everything in their life seems completely out of their control."
"Whether they are AHS will be determined by whether they apologize when they are thinking more rationally later." ~ WillfullyUnwoke
"NTA. Your families points are all valid. Yes it would be hard for them, but in the nicest way possible, that's a them problem."
"It seems as though your grandma just feels a bit guilty and is pandering to them. You guys have done nothing wrong."
"P.S. this is coming from someone who's mother died Christmas Day, and who's best friend died in a car crash Boxing Day."
"Don't get me wrong it's bloody hard, but I can't expect everyone to cancel Christmas for me."
"Maybe cos the death is so fresh, but still, they can't take it out on you guys." ~ GuiltyPick
"NTA. Your family was not in the wrong to say it was unreasonable for that family to expect you to do things differently."
"I just hope that your Dad said all this gently."
"If there is one time that acting unreasonably is somewhat reasonable it must in the middle of the shock of having just lost a child." ~ Different_Fan_7240
"NTA. Your father was more than kind and respectful in his explanations."
"Don't take it to heart, they are grieving the most unimaginable loss and are misdirecting their anger and frustration at your family."
"Be understanding while continuing your traditions knowing that they don't have much of the spirit of Christmas to look forward to this year." ~ PeteyPorkchops
"NTA Yeah, it's terrible for them and it must be very hard to see other families doing what their daughter loved."
"However they have another child, if they just sit and mope around every Christmas their other kid is just going to get seriously messed up."
"They need to teach their living child that Christmas can still happen without his/her sibling and that it's still a time for celebration and family togetherness."
"They can do all that and still mourn and respect their lost loved one." ~ Arnie013
After hearing everyone'e thoughts, our OP felt compelled to reach out and give an update on the situation.
"Thank you all so much for your opinions and messages."
"Some of your stories brought tears to my eyes and I am SO sorry you had to experience the loss of a loved one, it never gets easier, you just learn to breath a little better each day."
"You all sound like amazing people."
"I showed my dad many of your responses and he just hugged me and said that he was feeling pretty guilty too, and that showing him this actually was literally what he needed to see."
"And yes, indeed, f**k cancer and a parent having to bury their child, it's not fair, it's not okay."
Well that is all a lot of emotion to wade through.
Life really does like to throw us beatings every now and again.
Cancer is the worst and the death of a child is unimaginable.
Let's hope both of these families can find peace with their situations.
It sounds like they could all really use it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Cancel Date After He Makes Too Many Sexual Comments
Dating can be really hard, because let's be honest, as fun as it's supposed to be, there are some very strange prospects out there.
While some might just be socially awkward, there are definitely some walking red flags, ready to push every boundary, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Suspicious_End_441 had been talking to a guy for a little while and was planning to go on a first date with him when he started sending her increasingly inappropriate text messages.
But when his texts went far past her comfort zone, especially for someone she'd never met, the Original Poster (OP) planned to call off the date and truly never meet the guy in real life.
She asked the sub:
The OP had been talking to a guy and was looking forward to going on a first date with him.
"For context, I (30 Female) met this guy online and have been talking to him the past few days."
"He asked me out, and we planned a date for today. He seems really nice so far."
"I like him, but he’s made a couple of comments that maybe seem like a red flag to me."
"First off, I did my nails for the date, and he asked me to send him a picture, so I did."
"Then he made some comment like, 'Those would look great wrapped around something.'"
"I kinda brushed it off because I know that’s how some guys are... but it did give me the ick a little."
"Then I asked him to tell me more about himself, and the second thing he told me was that he has a high sex drive."
The potential date texted:
The OP no longer liked the idea of dating the guy.
"Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude, but this made me slightly uncomfortable. I’m wondering what reason you would need to tell this to someone you haven’t even met yet."
"I didn’t think he would be expecting sex on a first date, but this made me rethink."
"I’m also recovering from a surgery that I had three weeks ago, and he knows this. So that literally isn’t even an option for me, not that I would wanna do that on a first date anyway."
The OP considered never meeting the guy in person.
"I kind of feel like he’s making too many sexual comments too quickly, especially considering I didn’t engage with his first comment at all."
"Am I overreacting, feeling like I maybe want to cancel the date and block him?"
"I just feel like these comments are an indicator of his expectations... or maybe he is just 'being a guy'?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some had second-hand "ick" from reading that text message.
"NOR. My face when I read that text: [Dan Levy from 'Schitt's Creek']" - Unlikely_Captain_499
"I’d nope out right after the nails comment. After I blast him for being completely out of line." - WHYohWhy__MEohMY
"If he’s that comfortable saying stuff like that before he meets you, imagine what he’ll say after he knows you better." - ScrambledNoggin
"Gross. That joke should be saved for wife or long-term girlfriend where you know you'll get a laugh... or more accurately, an eye-roll and a 'threat' to not sleep with him for the next three months, LOL." - HovercraftIII1258
"Every time I get my nails done, my husband says something similar to that, and I always reply, 'I think they'd look good jammed in your eye sockets,' and we both laugh, LOL. But we've been married for over a decade. When we met and when we were dating, he was incredibly polite and possibly TOO slow in making advances. THIS is gross." - wingin_it0618
"This is exactly what I expect as a response from a man heavily in the dating scene right now. Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control." - BrayIsreal
"If he's giving you the ick, listen to that. It's not going to go away. Don't waste your own time or his. Plenty more fish in the sea, girl." - Zieglest
"As a man who is heavily in the dating world right now, that sounds like such a turn off, and any self-respecting girl who wants an actual relationship would not even talk to him anymore after this. It's so cringey and makes all of us guys look like there's no reason we want to go out with them other than getting laid. As a guy, it's really annoying; it makes girls weirded out by all of us. Sigh."
"Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control."
"That was the dumbest thing he could say to kill his chances. I wouldn't bother with him." - BrayIsReal
"NOR, I wouldn’t want to go anymore either. Making multiple sexual comments before even meeting someone is purposeful, and I doubt he remembers that you can’t do anything due to your surgery or even considers whether you want to."
"Don’t brush off how your gut makes you feel. If you are uncomfortable, then you are under no obligation to go." - AliBari
Others urged the OP to listen to her gut, not to go on that date, and to immediately block the guy.
"If he is already this forward, making sexual comments to a complete stranger, then it will only increase from here; he’s not going to suddenly stop. OP, if he already makes you feel uncertain or pressured, then don’t bother." - saiphxo
"Your gut is telling you something and wants to keep you safe. Don't ignore it." - SparkEli1
"Stay far, far away from this guy. Block. Don't look back. Men like this use high sex drive as a disclaimer for zero boundaries later." - CompetitionLankys
"Trust your intuition. Don’t go."
"I (39 Female) am very comfortable with casual sex and hook-ups. When single, I have never needed an emotional connection with a man to let off some steam. I don’t need him to make me feel special or like we have potential. I don’t need to know his hopes and dreams. I separate men into 'just sex' and 'potential for more' easily."
"I do need him to show the most basic level of respect and not be a creep. I would stop talking to this guy the instant he started speaking like that, even if my intention was to just f**k him."
"We are already talking, we are already about to go on a date, why is he turning it creepy sexual, what is that doing for either of us. It just speaks to a lack of judgment, I wouldn’t want to trust. If he can’t handle a basic text conversation without being a creep, why would I trust him to be alone with me?" - TheCa11ousB**h
"Ok, so I'm a degenerate, but even I wouldn't say something like 'those would look good wrapped around something' to a person I'd never met."
"I mean... do I have to be dad here and say the obvious? It's some guy on the internet who's looking to f**k. Is that really what you want? He can't even be bothered to type the d in the word 'and.'"
"Also, your nails look cool." - skippybeefree
"I’m more insulted that it’s just a terribly uncreative line. This guy's a bum!"
"Also, it's a huge red flag is the first thing he describes himself as a clean freak and needs things done his way. Sounds like a control freak, which would make me dip out immediately." - JeromeBarkley
"Only you know what you need to do. Feel safe. Feel comfortable. Feel SAFE!"
"If you don't, then cancel."
"Some men (I am a man) sometimes say way too much way too soon, and some men don't know how to hold a decent conversation. Sometimes just telling them how you feel about the sexual comments and seeing his reaction will tell you more than anything else he has ever said to you up until this point."
"But always remember you can choose to back out at any point in a date, even if you turn up to have dinner but can't walk in. The same goes for him as well if he turns up but doesn't walk in. We all have the right to feel safe and comfortable, especially on a first date." - Ok_goal6591
It was possible that the guy was just excited about the date, nervous to talk to someone new, socially awkward, or just joking at an inappropriate level.
Unfortunately, though, it was much more likely that these comments indicated the guy's expectations for the first date and how he would treat the OP if she set boundaries, especially regarding his inability to perform after surgery for safety reasons.
While it would be fun to meet someone new, it was much safer for the OP to wait for someone else.