There’s a common trope that men will constantly forget important dates and details in a relationship. While it’s not always true, how do you handle the times it is?
When Sad_bitch_5 tries to talk with her fiancé about how he seems to forget everything, it leads to fights. So the original poster (OP) decided she isn’t going to remind him of her birthday.
OP’s family thinks she’s being rude, but OP just doesn’t want to have to constantly remind her future husband of these things.
The “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit is the perfect place to judge OP for what she wants to do.
OP is insistent no one reminds the fiancé about her birthday.
“AITA for not telling my fiancé that my birthday was coming up?”
And how will her fiancé react?
“I don’t know a better title to use but here’s what’s going on. My fiancé never remembers anything unless it’s something he’s looking forward too a ton.”
“I honestly think he chooses not to remember the rest, because he relies on me to do it for him. I have to remind him at least 10 times for everything, birthdays, dinner date, plans, holidays, vacations.”
“And if I don’t remind him he says stuff like well it’s your fault i forgot, you didn’t remind me. It’s now gotten to the point where even when i am reminding him he still try’s to say that i never did.”
‘We have had many discussions that I shouldn’t have to constantly do this, while I’m also trying to keep my things straight. I told him that it causes me a lot of stress and that I wasn’t going to do it anymore.”
“I don’t think he took me seriously.”
“So here’s where the issue came up. My birthday is coming up in a few days and I asked my family to not remind him that my birthday is almost here.”
“My mom is saying that I’m setting my fiancé up for failure and that it’s not fair for me to be mad at him when I told everyone to not remind him. I went as far as telling him that we were going out to dinner that day, just left out the part where I normally would have said for my birthday.”
“I just feel like he should be able to remember this and that it’s unfair that I should have to remind him about my birthday. I’m also hurt because I plan all these things and make his birthdays, holidays, etc. special for him by doing something I know he’d really appreciate.”
“My mom says I’m in the wrong because your not supposed to do something for someone, expecting something back.”
“And it’s not that I do it expecting something in return, I guess I just want to feel like I matter enough for him to do something special, it could be the smallest thing, he doesn’t have to by anything, just doing something to make me feel cared about. So AITA?”
It’s understandable that OP doesn’t want to have to be her future husband’s calendar and personal assistant forever. But is this just a test she’s giving him to fail?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for telling her family to not remind her husband about her birthday by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP’s family seemed focused on the idea that this was some kind of test. But it’s really just trying to get the bottom of the issue.
The fiancé won’t listen to reason, and may need a jolt to understand what he’s doing to this relationship. And if it doesn’t work, at the bare minimum, OP doesn’t want to be an unpaid personal assistant forever.
The subReddit voted that OP was NTA and shouldn’t feel bad about her request.
“NTA. He carries a device with him everywhere that could remind him of literally everything, but he refuses to set up reminders because he has delegated his responsibilities to you.”
“He needs to make some effort and grow tf up. This is weaponized incompetence using memory.” – MissionRevolution306
“NTA. Your mom is wrong. Life is a two way street. You do everything he does nothing.”
“Do you really want to be married to this guy who acts like a 5 yo? He sounds selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate. When he forgets its your bday tell him you got yourself a present, a new bf who is considerate.”
“Ok I’m petty but really he will never change.”
“Edit: Adding once you get married he will never remember your anniversary. Do you really want to go thru life like this?” – jimmap
“He forgets the plans we have all the time, and if he goes out with his friends because he forgot about our plans he gets beyond mad at me for being upset. It doesn’t matter how important it was to me.”
“I’ve talked to him about it, but he seems to get mad at me. I don’t know how else to explain to him that it hurts my feeling that I have to do all of this” – Sad_bitch_5 (OP)
“He needs to start taking responsibility for his own life, not making you be responsible for both your life and the fact he can’t be bothered being responsible for his. Sometimes we forget stuff we wanted to remember.”
“We mis-enter it on our calendar, something else comes up that distracts us, a thousand things can happen. And that’s frustrating, but we move on.”
“What’s happening here is that you aren’t allowed to manage with just that normal level of everyday stress. Not only are you trying to keep his schedule in mind as well as your own, you also have to remember to remind him in good time of upcoming events.”
“And there’s not just the possibility of annoyance or frustration if you miss something – he’s going to get mad at you for failing to do his own work for him.”
“That, sweetie, is bullying.”
“Stop that shit in its tracks right now. Tell him about Google calendar and that PAs get paid.”
“NTA” – the_esjay
“Hi! NTA. He is practicing willful incompetence. I have ADHD and it’s hard to remember crap sometimes.”
“What’s crazy is that I have this super computer that fits right in my pocket. I can program it to remind me of important dates and special occasions. It’s so cool.”
“The thing is I’ll bet he doesn’t forget important deadlines at work, the launch of some new movie he wants to see or some new video game system launch. Just shit that he can force the mental load off on you. Don’t do it.” – monkeysaurusmom
Other commenters were wondering why bother with this at all. If their arguments so far hadn’t gotten him to change, did OP really want to bother?
Wouldn’t this just lead to another fight? Would OP end the relationship over this?
Basically, why would she even bother with this relationship at this point?
“I mean overall he’s the asshole, not you. You aren’t his calendar. Calendar alerts exist. Him blaming you for this stuff is ridiculous.”
“That being said, I don’t really get what your goal is with this? It sounds like you giving him a test you already know he’ll fail.”
“Do you think he’ll actually learn from this? Do you think this will lead to a meaningful conversation?”
“It sounds like your setting both of you up for a big fight. This may be an argument that needs to happen, but is your birthday when you want to have that fight?”
“NTA, but I recommend talking to him about this before your birthday” – sr9876
“I’m not meaning to set him up to fail. I’m just exhausted with constantly having to remind him of everything, I feel like this is the one thing that I shouldn’t have to remind him of.”
“I already had the discussion about me constantly having to remind him of things, I want to know that he is actively trying. And I did talk to him about my birthday coming up a few weeks ago- so I technically did already remind him.”
“Just not since then” – Sad_bitch_5 (OP)
“NTA why do you want to marry a man who doesn’t even care enough about you to remember your birthday???? Is this seriously how you want to spend the rest of your life??”
“Op if he wanted to do something special for your, he would- he just doesn’t care enough to because he knows you’re gonna stay with him anyway so why should he put in any more effort?”
“Be honest with yourself, why are you so scared to leave someone who doesn’t care about you to the point where you’re willing to spend the rest of life being miserable and resenting him?” – Sea_Opportunity6028
OP should consider what outcome she wants, versus how likely it is to happen. And what will she do if the worst should pass.
At what point is this too much and she should cut her losses?