Content warning: suicide.
Contrary to what many might think, parents usually take no joy in punishing their children.
Not only because it makes them feel bad to raise their voices but because it is an acknowledgment that their children were misbehaving.
Even so, sometimes children behave (or misbehave) in such a way that there is no choice but to punish them.
However, finding the most effective punishment is a whole other problem itself.
Redditor WIBTAsurgery was horrified when he overheard his daughter making insensitive, even cruel, remarks about her stepbrother.
Indeed, the original poster (OP) was so furious that he felt there was only one suitable punishment.
A punishment his wife thought would be going way too far.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA if I refused to pay for my daughter's college for making fun of my step son's injury and condition?"
The OP explained why he felt there was only one suitable punishment befitting his daughter's recent bad behavior.
"I (44 M[ale]) am a widow of a previous marriage, and so is my wife (42 F[emale])."
"She has a son (19 M) from her previous marriage and I have a daughter (17 F) as well."
"We dated for roughly 5 years before being married for 3 years now, and our kids have known each other since the beginning, no major fights or weirdness besides getting to know someone else as a parent/guardian."
"My son was a tremendous athlete in basketball, and I used to play in college at a school I'm sure none of you heard of."
"Regardless, I know the ins and outs of basketball, and when he asked me to coach him, I was more than happy to."
"Turns out that he was good, really good."
"Division 1 good."
"My wife is a controller and I'm a pharmacist; together, we make a very, very comfortable living but are not rich."
"So when my son was getting scholarship offers for basketball, I realized we could pay for my daughter's college in full, and neither of them would have any student loan debt when they graduate."
"A plan that I shared with my daughter, which I think was a mistake to begin with."
"These plans changed when my son tried riding on someone else's motorcycle, with their permission, but with zero training, and got badly injured on an ensuing crash."
"He lost part of his hand and foot, not life-threatening, but basketball ending."
"This happened last year, and my son has been in a deep depression that we're desperately trying to bring him out of, but he feels like his entire identity got ripped away in the blink of an eye."
"He's been in counseling and prescribed medication, but it has not helped thus far."
"Recently he confided in me that the pills he's on have unfortunate side effects with his libido to virtually zero interest and wants to stop them."
"I told him the important thing is that he's with us, but he can bring that up with his doctor next visit."
"Fast forward about two weeks."
"I'm upstairs looking for something in my room, and I heard my daughter talking to her friends on her phone about college."
"The conversation turned towards her brother and she said she 'can't wait to be gone, I'm tired hearing (her brother) cry every day' and saying his hand is gross."
"I knew 'spirits' in the house had shifted since he became injured, but I didn't think she felt this type of way."
"I was gonna talk to her later about this, but then I heard her say 'I heard him say that he can't even get it up' while laughing."
"At that, I was furious."
"I stormed in her room, took her phone, laptop, car keys, and TV out of her room."
"I told her she should be ashamed of how she's talking about her brother and he might do something permanent if he heard you talking about him like that."
"When my wife got home, we talked about what happened and while she's proud of the way I stood up for my son, she thinks it's too far to also not pay for her college, since we could easily do so."
"WIBTA if I don't pay for my daughter's college?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP would, indeed, be the a**hole if he refused to pay for his daughter's college tuition after her unkind remarks.
While everyone understood where the OP's anger was coming from, everyone agreed that revoking her tuition was going way too far. It wouldn't teach her the lesson she needed to learn. Others pointed out that her behavior may stem from her feeling ignored or neglected after her step-brother's accident, and maybe a more serious conversation with her was needed.
"YWBTA if you didn't at least help pay for schooling."
"It's very likely that your daughter is feeling jealous / left out / forgotten bc of all the attention your son is getting."
"I'm NOT saying you should stop paying attention to him, because what he went through is terrible and I really hope he feels better."
"I have been in similar spots myself, and I can say that depression is not fun to deal with for anyone."
"I'm really glad that you're being so supportive of him."
"I'm not a therapist lol but I do have a similar experience it seems to your daughter."
"I think that since you and your stepson were able to bond SO WELL over basketball and because it became so important, it maybe created some distance between you and your daughter."
"I could 100% be wrong, but I think what started as small issues snowballed."
"Teenagers are notoriously bad at dealing with emotions, and she probably doesn't know what to do."
"So yeah, YWBTA if you suddenly announced you wouldn't pay for her schooling."
"Instead, I may suggest spending more time with her and talking in a non-judgmental space."
"I wish the best for you and the whole fam."- RealTaySmith
"I agree with your wife."
"Your daughter needs to have empathy, but I don't think making this unilateral decision out of anger is the way to go about it."
"Seems like she needs some therapy as well."- Shitsuri
"Your initial punishment was fine."
"Taking away her college fund is too far."
"Sometimes, teenagers do not think before they speak."-Comfortable-Focus123
"YTA."
"This is not a proportionate response."
"Your son did something very dumb, and unfortunately he's dealing with lifelong consequences from that."
"But his actions are also having immediate and lifelong consequences for your daughter."
"She's lost a lot of your attention during an important transitional point in her life (preparing for college, completing high school), and she may now start her life with a lot more debt because college funds are now likely to be split."
"Your daughter needs to work on empathy, but so do you - you seem to have no clue the extent to which your son's actions are impacting your daughter."- thirdtryisthecharm
"YWBTA."
"Your son had a life-changing event a year ago, and you've understandably been focused on him and helping him get through it."
"Siblings of a child with a serious injury or illness often feel left out or marginalized while the parents spend more time with that child."
"Your daughter is only 17, and what happened to your son will have had a huge impact on her as well, if only due to the change in the family dynamic."
"You punished her already."
"Now try talking to her about how she's feeling about things."
"You might be surprised at what she says if she's willing to open up (she may not be)."
"But taking away a college education is a step WAY too far."- HRProf2020
The OP later returned with an update, acknowledging that he may have been a bit too severe with his daughter's punishment while also clearing some things up about their relationship:
"Fairly unanimous that this would be too far, and I think I knew that, but I just can't calm down."
"Maybe I'm stunned that it was my own daughter saying it, but it's rare that I harbor something like this."
"Also, many comments hinting that I'm alienating or neglecting my daughter are completely unfounded."
"The post was about my son's condition, so I talked about my son."
"Maybe my daughter feels less important or neglected. I can understand that, but it certainly not because of a lack of attention or love."
"I accept it, though, IWBTA."
When someone goes through a traumatic experience, it has a way of affecting everyone around them.
Needless to say, the OP's daughter's remarks were shockingly insensitive and shouldn't be tolerated.
Even so, perhaps she's still figuring out how to process what her stepbrother went through.
Something revoking her college tuition definitely won't help.
We wish this family well as they sort this out.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.