Life can be really hard sometimes, so it can be fun to celebrate when we make a breakthrough.
But having someone around who doesn’t support us is a terrible feeling, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Throwaway781Felicity was surprised when their partner repeatedly belittled them about their history with homelessness when they decided to have a party to celebrate their promotion at work.
When their fiancé became angry with them for speaking up about the remarks he was making, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were wrong to stand up for themselves.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for publicly calling out my Fiancé at our party after he made a dig at my previous homelessness?”
The OP wanted to celebrate feeling more financially secure.
“Last Sunday, I organized a small barbeque party with my work friends, my fiancé’s family, as well as other acquaintances, to celebrate my promotion at work.”
“I know it might come off as arrogant and trashy to celebrate a promotion but the reason why I held it was because this was one of the first times in life I felt settled and at peace.”
“I was homeless for a while and had to work really hard and rely on my one kind relative who supported me to get where I am.”
“The party was also held to express my gratitude towards my uncle and my friends who helped me push through.”
Their fiancé, however, did not appear to be particularly supportive.
“However, not everything went smoothly.”
“My fiancé was introducing me to some of his friends and colleagues after we set up the food.”
“He kept introducing me to them in a condescending way, saying that the promotion didn’t really mean a huge pay raise and his salary was still higher than mine (even though he started work much earlier than me).”
“He also said that the only reason I made it was because of my relative (that is somewhat true).”
“But the thing that struck me the most was him saying ‘jokingly’ to his friends that he played a huge role in where I am today (even though I literally met him after I landed my job), and that my homelessness was not a big deal, because I only spent 6 months being homeless before my relative helped me out.”
The OP decided to start joking in return.
“It just felt humiliating and invalidating, so I also ‘jokingly’ retorted back, saying, ‘At least I am not a trust fund baby who was handed everything in life and had his parents pay part of his mortgage.'”
“His colleagues laughed at that, and I could see my fiancé was not pleased.”
“He stopped mocking me after that, thank god! BUT after everyone left, he mentioned that what I said really ruined his image.”
“I told him I was merely imitating his actions because he could clearly see I was uncomfortable and carried on with his jokes.”
“Then he denied it and proceeded to call me sensitive.”
The OP wasn’t sure what to think.
“Now I am confused. I know what I did was wrong, I was not behaving or communicating like an adult, and yes, I shouldn’t have divulged the fact that his parents paid part of the downpayment, but I was hurt and had no way to pull myself out mid convo without embarrassing myself.”
“That’s why I require judgment if I am the AH. I’m willing to apologize.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP’s fiancé only enjoyed feeling superior to the OP.
“I had an ex who admired my grit due to being a young single mother living below the poverty line whilst also studying at university. Worst abuse I’ve ever suffered in my life after we got married.”
“The privileged ones don’t see us as people, only as shiny charity things to show off how good of a person they are to all of their privileged friends. If we’re not grateful enough, things get ugly. Be careful.” – thederpfacemajor
“Maybe what he really liked was the idea of always having a sense of superiority over you. He might have seen you as someone who will put up with anything to maintain security, seeing you went through such a dreadful time.”
“Now you are moving forward, he has to pull you back again.” – DrunkOnRedCordial
“Bestie, I don’t think he ever truly ‘admired’ your grit.”
“Either of the two things is likely possible in this case:”
“1. it was a momentary fascination with the fact that you were homeless for a while and he had that mentality people have when they spectate at other people who had to deal with extreme hardships.”
“2. Secondly, it was an ego boost for him to have a partner who was financially not at the same level he was. So the second you show progress, the itsy bitsy ego breaks, and bam: you’re insulted.”
“You could be a hotshot CEO, but to him, you’ll always be that poor homeless person that according to his delusions he ‘saved.'”
“Dump his a**. You deserve a partner who loves your progress and celebrates it with you, is proud of it, and does not treat you like an ego boost.” – sagehoe
“Here’s a quote from Bella Poarch: He ‘needs someone who falls apart so he can play Prince Charming.'”
“Congrats, OP, on your well-deserved promotion!!”
“And NTA for sure. Your fiance is for sure an a**hole. No one needs a partner that wants to compete with them.”
“You do you, but this is a dealbreaker for me. You need someone who wants to see you happy and is truly proud and happy for you.” – Unlikely-Speaker-614
“So many men say they like strong women, so long as they get to remain ‘dominant.’ It’s gross and it’s a power trip for these men. They view it like taming a horse.”
“This feels kind of similar. He likes her grit, so long as she stays below him.”
“It reeks of insecurity. What happens if one day OP makes more than him? NTA, but OP’s fiance is s**tty.” – __homiesexual__
Others agreed and said the OP deserved better.
“I’ve always admired how my wife overcame a difficult childhood to achieve what she has, even though my wife still thinks she hasn’t achieved much.”
“My wife works hard and is well-respected by her peers for her hard work and dedication. She earns quite a bit more than me and for me, it’s a non-issue. She’s worked hard and she deserves it.”
“I’m really proud of her and would never, ever denigrate the hardships that she had to overcome.”
“OP, you’re definitely NTA, but your fiancé seems to be and is also threatened by your success.” – gooderj
“He HAD to make a point that he still earned more, he belittled her achievement by saying someone else got it for her and said it wasn’t a big deal. Instead of being proud of everything she has achieved, he s**t all over to make sure she knew her place.”
“OP, you are better than this, and you deserve better than this.”
“He is gaslighting you, what he said was unacceptable to anyone. He is supposed to love and support you, he’s supposed to be your biggest cheerleader. Do you want to feel unworthy for the rest of your life? You ARE worthy, and that deserved to be celebrated.” – Cauleefouler
“I wouldn’t dream of saying something so horrible about my friends. I can’t even imagine someone I was about to marry saying such things.”
“You don’t come up with something like that on a happy occasion unless that’s how you really feel. What a horrible thing to think about your partner. OP deserves better.” – Tikithing
“My husband and I had been together since our early 20’s (21yrs total). It had always been a partnership.”
“We liked to get each other things or do cute small things for each other even when we were broke. We worked extremely hard to buy our first home at 24. Always supported each other. And I supported him through college in his 30s.”
“I make as much as him without a degree and he is so proud of me and I am so proud of him.”
“A partnership starts way before marriage, and OP sounds like she is getting a glimpse of how her fiancé really feels or of his insecurities.”
“I wouldn’t rush to marry someone who would say such terrible things, especially when he could never relate or understand her struggles.”
“6 months homeless sounds terrifying for anyone, and he had the nerve to say it wasn’t that bad?!” – Picklesfromcucumbers
“I don’t see how this sort of thing is recoverable. How can a healthy relationship continue when one partner clearly sees the other as less-than, and is willing to let that show in front of friends and family?”
“OP, please continue your upward trend and leave this guy. You can do so, so much better.” – Poisonskittlez
The subReddit was unanimous in pointing out that the OP deserved better than they received in their partner and during the celebration of their success.
Some gave suggestions for how to proceed in the relationship, but most hoped that the OP wouldn’t try at all and instead aim for a partner who would be more in-tune with their success.