Redditor Thrwawayvivalavida is a 40-year-old male who is in the doghouse after upsetting his fiancée while discussing wedding plans.
His fiancée Hanna is a 28-year-old woman with whom he was planning to tie the knot next July.
The argument stemmed from her not wanting a maid of honor (MOH) at their wedding, citing she had no close girlfriend.
Instead, she chose to appoint her male friend, who allegedly said he was gay, as the MOH.
The Redditor strongly objected but came up with an ultimatum as a solution that backfired.
Now that there's trouble in paradise on the road to exchanging vows, he visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (subReddit) and asked:
"AITA for wanting my female friend at our wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I recently proposed to my gf, call her Hanna and our wedding is next July."
"As we're organising the bridal party the issue came up that Hanna doesn't have any close girl friends."
"Her best friends are all guys and while I've accepted It and am not jealous (I was at first I admit but got over it,) she said she just wants a best man not a MOH [maid of honor] and no bridesmaids which is weird IMO."
"My family is traditional, I know they won't like it if she has no bridesmaids there and a guy instead."
"My Dad already thinks Hanna's relationship with Her male best friend is inappropriate & she shouldn't be so close to another guy when she's in a long term relationship."
"Tbh I don't like her 'best friend,' either, I feel like he doesn't like me and wants to turn Hanna against me but I hold my tongue because I know she'd get mad if I told her."
"I said she should choose some girls as bridesmaids instead, but Hanna refused saying she's not close enough to any girls."
"I suggested she could ask her two sisters, which upset her because she has been N/C with her family for about 10 yrs."
"I pointed out this could be a good chance for her and her sisters to reconnect, honestly I think no matter what issues you have family should be at your wedding. She kept stubbornly refusing."
"Hanna kept saying that she didn't care about having bridesmaids/a MOH, she just wants her best friend there."
"She said he is like her family and he was there for her when she went N/C with her real family, she really wants him at 'her' wedding. I kept trying to explain why it made me uncomfortable, but she just wouldn't listen."
"She said it was unfair and claims there is no way Jack is romantically interested in her (he says he's gay.) In the end I said that fine, she could have a guy in her side of the party, but only if I could have a girl in my side."
"Well, Hanna said that was fine and that she didn't mind but that quickly changed when I said who I wanted to invite; my ex Gf, call her 'Sasha' (34F,)."
"Hanna said that it was one thing to want a friend at the wedding and another to invite an ex. but Sasha and I were together for 7 years, and now we are still on good terms, so I would say she's a friend and since we were together so long I think she is just as much family to me as hanna's friend is to her."
"I said that it was hypocritical for Hanna to get jealous of me wanting a female friend there when she wants her male friend to be there."
"She said it is different, but I think it's the same thing if not worse on her end (Sasha doesn't have an issue with Hanna but I think her friend doesn't seem to like me, even if he's never said outright.) she brought up how my parents (mainly my Dad) keep saying they want me to get back with Sasha, which isn't even my fault!"
"I said either Jack goes and she ask her sisters to be bridesmaids or I get to have Sasha in the wedding party. Hanna isn't talking to me now. AITA?"
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors saw red flags in their relationship. They also did not look upon the OP favorably in their comments.
"YTA. You KNOW it's different to have a friend there than an ex-partner, and pretending like it isn't any different is a sh**ty, gaslighty thing to do."
"Trying to get her to 'reconnect' with her family is also not your place- she went NC for a reason. You say she won't listen but honestly it sounds like you're the one who's being stubborn and refusing to listen."
"Also, what's this whole 'he says he's gay' bullsh*t that sounds vaguely homophobic? If he doesn't like you, it's probably for a reason. This is a sh**ty ultimatum you've given your fiancée and I would apologize ASAP before she heads for the hills." – Loud-Leading-1414
"OP is a walking 🚩. He's homophobic and petty, two qualities unnecessary for marriage with someone who has a gay BFF." – ChiquitaBananaKush
"Yes. 100% yta here. Let me explain why:"
'My family is traditional, I know they won't like it.'
"Your family will not be getting married. You and Hanna will. Having a maid of honour/best man should be about choosing who you want to stand next to you and join you in celebrating one of the biggest days of your life. Only the people being celebrated should matter when the bridal/groom party are chosen."
'I don't like her "best friend," either, I feel like he doesn't like me and wants to turn Hanna against me.'
"You've already admitted that you were jealous of her having mostly male friends. This sounds to me like he's never given you a VALID reason to think he dislikes you. You sound jealous."
'I said she should choose some girls . . . could ask her two sisters.'
"She's not close to any girls, and there aren't any she wants to pick. Hanna is 28, if she's been N/C with her sisters for TEN YEARS that means she cut contact as soon as she turned eighteen. There's usually a damn good reason for that,and it's sh**ty as hell for you to suggest she message them just because YOU don't like her best friend."
'She said he is like her family and he was there for her when she went N/C with her real family.'
"This is 100% fair and valid of her to think. He's known her for years, she should have every right to have him as her best man."
'(he says he's gay.)'
"This, once again, sounds like jealousy. The way you worded it make it sound like you don't believe that he is. It's also homophobic, since you seem to think he's claiming this to be predatory towards women. Gross."
'Well, Hanna said that was fine and that she didn't mind but that quickly changed when. . . I wanted to invite; my ex Gf.'
"Your FIANCEE doesn't want you having a girl you were in a 7 year long term relationship standing by your side. You've only picked Sasha because you're trying to prove a point. Also, wouldn't your traditional family be against you having a woman there? If no, then the problem wasn't her having a non traditional bridal party: it's them (and you!!) trying to control the bride."
'she brought up how my parents (mainly my Dad) keep saying they want me to get back with Sasha, which isn't even my fault!'
"No, not your fault. But there's no way in hell you're too dense to understand WHY this could make Hanna uncomfortable. Especially if your dad already expresses his unneeded opinions on Hanna's relationships with her friends."
'I said either Jack goes and she ask her sisters to be bridesmaids or I get to have Sasha in the wedding party.'
"So you said that if your fiancee doesn't exclude her closest friend or contact people who possibly traumatised her, you're gonna have your ex girlfriend stand beside you at the altar. Wow. You've given her an ultimatum for the people she wants to spend the big day with, and her options aren't even semi decent."
"Yeah, YTA. Big time. I suggest counseling if you're serious about having a healthy relationship with her. Otherwise, break it off and let her find a man who might actually love her the way she deserves." – rabbit_rocket
"YTA. Her gay best friend vs a 7 year ex girlfriend? Your parents 'liking' her choice in wedding party being more important to you than her feelings? Insisting she make her sisters her bridesmaids even though she is no contact? Dude, do you actually even like your fiance?" – yachtiewannabe
Overall, Redditors saw red flags and thought the OP was being jealous and simultaneously homophobic in regards to Hannah's close friend.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.