Content Warning: Toxic and dangerous behavior, restraining order, stalking
As lovely as it would be to be able to get along with everyone, especially all of the people our best friends date, that simply isn’t a reality.
But discovering that our best friend is dating someone who might be dangerous takes us to a whole other level of loathing while we also navigate wanting the best for our friend, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor madmaddie_blythe was happy for her best friend and knew she was excited about her engagement, but she was shocked when she put two and two together about a key part of her best friend’s fiancé’s dating history.
She felt the need to tell her friend the truth so that she could decide whether to move forward with the marriage with all the information on the table, but when others accused her of meddling in the future, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she overstepped while trying to keep her friend safe.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my best friend the real reason her fiancé’s last relationship ended?”
The OP was shocked when she realized how she was connected with her best friend’s fiancé.
“I (27 Female) have a best friend, Sarah (26 Female), who’s been with her fiancé, Jake (29 Male), for about two years now.”
“They just got engaged a couple of months ago, and up until recently, I had no reason to think anything was off. But then I found out who Jake’s ex was, and everything changed.”
“Jake used to date a woman named Megan (30 Female), and the reason I know this is because she’s actually an old coworker of mine.”
“We weren’t best friends or anything, but I remember when she went through absolute h**l because of him. She had to take out a restraining order, and he was charged with stalking and harassment after they broke up.”
“I remember her coming to work shaken up because he would just show up outside her apartment, leave creepy notes, and at one point, he even slashed her tires.”
“I never really connected the dots until Sarah casually mentioned his ex’s name in passing.”
“When I asked her what Jake had told her about the breakup, she gave me the classic story: Megan was crazy, obsessed with him, and made up lies when he tried to move on.”
The OP felt like she had to tell her best friend what she knew.
“I didn’t want to interfere in her relationship, but I also couldn’t just sit there knowing she might be walking into something dangerous.”
“So, I reached out to Megan and asked if she was okay with me sharing what I knew.”
“She was super understanding and even offered to send Sarah the police reports and the court documents from when everything went down.”
“So, I sat down with Sarah and told her the truth. I showed her the actual records, explained what Megan had gone through, and just let her process everything.”
“She was quiet for a while, then said she needed time to think.”
“A couple of days later, she told Jake she wanted to pause the engagement, and now he’s absolutely furious with me, calling me a liar and saying I ruined his future.”
The OP felt conflicted over her involvement in the engagement being paused.
“Sarah hasn’t officially broken things off, but I know she’s really shaken up.”
“Meanwhile, I have mutual friends saying that I should have stayed out of it because people change, and I might have destroyed a relationship that had nothing wrong with it.”
“I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing, but now I’m second-guessing myself.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were grateful the OP had told Sarah the truth so she could decide for herself.
“NTA.”
“Sarah needed to know just how much he lied to her, in order for her to make an informed decision.
This is her life we’re talking about. Simply because he hadn’t escalated to physical harm with his ex doesn’t mean Sarah is safe.”
“You did the right thing, and anyone who tells you otherwise obviously doesn’t give a f**k about Sarah.” – Xavasia
“The mutual friends are wrong. You may have protected your friend from danger. She should have been informed, and the fiance was not sharing. You were right to do so.”
“Perhaps he has changed, but he should have been up front, and she should have been told. NTA.” – okicarp
“NTA. She was your best friend. You had to tell her, and she deserved to know. Your mutual friends don’t care about her or have any morals. Real friends wouldn’t be mad at you for being honest.” – Ok-Reply9552
“NTA. I WISH somebody would have warned me about my ex.”
“I think the problem here is Sarah’s reaction. She should have handled this in a more discreet manner, especially since the guy might be dangerous.”
“And to tell him exactly who told her what he was like and provided evidence, who has just been proven to be an aggressive and violent liar.”
“She’s a complete id**t, or has provided him with a diversion to go after. I realise there’s likely to be some shock, and she blurted it out, but oh my god, talk about throwing OP to the wolves. And possibly Megan, too.”
“OP is NTA.” – Sensitive/Seal/3779
“Those mutual friends are wrong. You needed to protect Sarah because she was about to marry a dangerous, crazy man. He’s also a liar and is deceiving Sarah.”
“NTA. Hopefully she will not marry this psycho now.” – winterworld561
“OP, imagine how you would feel if you had NOT said anything and the situation turns tragic? That’s harder to live with than this guy’s outrage.” – naynay55
“NTA. Sure, people change, but he actively lied about the breakup, so he obviously hasn’t. He’s trash, and he needs to be taken out. But I’d be careful, if he already did some crazy s**t, you might be next in his crosshairs.” – Odd-Village-995
“Wait… So you think you may be the AH because you told your best friend the truth about a guy who wasn’t your friend that she was engaged to? The part where you could be the AH is that you seem to think you should have chosen him over her?”
“Anyone who is a mutual friend of you and him who says that is not really your friend and if mutual friends of you and her are not either of your friends.” – SubarcticFarmer
“NTA. People seriously need to rethink themselves when they say people shouldn’t get involved in others’ relationships.”
“If you have a friend who is in a relationship with someone known to be in any way dangerous, tell them! Rather tell them now than attend their funeral wishing you’d said it.” – AltruisticBug5769
Others agreed and pointed out that while people can change, they don’t change this much.
“NTA. People DO change, but given the fact that he never shared this with Sarah is a red flag.”
“I’m mortifyingly curious, what was the outcome on the stalking charges?” – SaltyNight6
“Not only did he not share, but he lied about it all and basically accused his ex of doing what he did. She should run, run far and run fast.”
“People like him don’t change. They get better at hiding.”
“OP saved her friend from being legally tied to a stalker. Anyone defending him is not Sarah’s friend.” – Beth21286
“NTA. When someone you care about is in danger, it is absolutely your business to warn them. Anyone who would keep the info to themselves is not a real friend.”
“It’s one thing to not take sides in an argument over who should wash the dishes. It’s something else entirely when one person has proven themselves to be dangerous.” – Illustrious-Mind-683
“When I was a domestic violence court advocate, I heard abusers over and over tell their next girlfriend that the previous one was crazy. Just hearing that alone, even without the police report for backup, is enough to show you should run as far and fast as possible.” – TwoNewflies
“If he had really changed, he wouldn’t have been blaming Megan, and he would have owned up to his past. Sarah deserves to know the truth to make an informed decision. NTA.” – Upper_Scarcity_2807
“People don’t change THAT much. And this isn’t the type of thing you want to take that risk with. That’s how women get dead.”
“He just straight up lied about his past and is furious with OP for outing him.”
“What about this story makes it sound like he’s changed?” – fzooey78
“He’s toxic, and she’s the id**t who snitched on you, and now because of her, YOU have to watch your d**n back because of her oxymoronic thinking! Go figure!”
“You did the right thing. If he’s insulting you and blaming you for HIS ACTIONS, it means he did NOT change. How can he call you a liar when the proof is right there?! He’s delusional and needs mental help too.” – UmbraKyutie
“You did the right thing in giving someone you care for a heads-up. Ignore these people saying you should have stayed out of it. They’re just cowards who don’t have the guts for a serious conversation about something your friend really needed to know.”
“NTA.”
“Now support her in whatever she decides. But if she decides to go forward in marrying him, then ask her to please set up a backup plan, just in case, and that you’re more than happy to support her in that, also.” – Klutzy_Mobile8306
Even when we’ve shared information to help someone, it can be hard for us to feel good about that decision when it leads to a relationship potentially ending because of it.
But when a loved one is dating someone who might be dangerous, it will always be better to give them the information so they can make an informed decision.