Some people can't wait to have children. They dream of it, sometimes even from the time of their own childhood.
While others have no desire to ever have children. Now with changes in societal expectations and access to reproductive healthcare, people who never wanted kids aren't forced to have them.
Unless they live in a Republican controlled state in the USA.
A happily childfree woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her sister took exception to her devotion to her nephews.
Happyhappy_joyjoy11 asked:
"AITA for not loving my sister's children the way she and her husband do?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"The past two years I (43, female) have traveled to spend a week with my sister (40, female) and her family. She and her husband have three young boys - a 3.5 year old and twin 2.5 year olds."
"It's about a 6 hour flight, so it's not a trip I can make on a regular basis."
"When I visited last February, it was a great trip. Good mix of sister time, hanging out with the kids and her husband, a night out, a house party, just all around enjoyable."
"Her husband is great and is a stay at home Dad. My sister works from home and is a successful business woman. I was genuinely excited to go visit again last month."
"I'm not a kid person and I never have been. My partner and I are intentionally childless and we love our quiet, low key life."
"I'm good with kids. I'll play with them with their toys, I'll crawl around on the floor with them, I'm down to do whatever goofy thing they're into—but for only about 2 hours at a time. Then I have to tap out and recharge."
"I'm also not great with the constant noise kids make. I understand that's just what they do, but I've got a low threshold for it, especially when it's the full blown meltdowns."
"For the first 3-4 days I was at my sister's, the three kids were screaming and crying nearly every 25 minutes. So when the temper tantrums started, I'd go outside or at least leave the room."
"I've tried to tell her people without kids, who do not want any of their own, have their feelings reaffirmed, NOT questioned, by spending time with other people's kids."
"At one point, the kids and husband are out of the house, and my sister took the opportunity to tell me how she's disappointed that I 'don't love the boys the way (husband's name) and I do. '"
"I said that I do love the boys, and I asked if there was something I did or didn't do with the kids that upset her. She said no, that I was great with them."
"I asked if she thought I was paying enough attention to them. She said I was, but brought up my low tolerance for the fits."
"I apologized and reminded her that I'm really not used to it and that it's kind of stressful, so I just remove myself from the situation."
"Things kind of devolved from there. As our convo progressed, she said that when I leave or she sees me take that deep breath while I try to brace myself for the screaming, it comes across as me saying, 'I think you're a bad parent.'"
"I said I didn't think they are, but then I made the fatal mistake of saying I think she and her husband are permissive parents."
"She's got the unconditional love thing down 100%. The boundaries and general discipline? Not so much."
"Boy howdy, I should have kept that one to myself. The stream of insults and accusations that led to was not worth it."
"There's so much context I cannot begin to get into, but suffice it to say her request while pregnant to 'tell me the truth about my kids and how we are raising them' must have been the hormones talking."
"But we recovered, and the rest of the trip was fine enough."
"Am I the a**hole thinking that my sister's request is way off base?"
The OP wanted to clarify a few things.
"I love my nephews, but I don't think anyone can love children in the way that child's parents do."
"They explicitly told me after the kids were born that I would not be the guardian in the event of a horrific tragedy bc they know I'm not a kid person."
"The plan has been while they're little, the boys would go to a close family friend. Once the boys are older, like when they're almost teenagers, then they would come to me."
"I think my sister is just struggling with the young kids, feeling overwhelmed and possibly a little envious, and being a bit on the approval-seeking side."
"I love my sister dearly. She is genuinely my closest friend and our relationship has come such a long way from when we were younger."
"She's always known she wanted to be a mother and has been over the moon about her boys since day one. Like so many parents, her children are the center of her world."
"I really hope she's adjusting to the changes in our relationship as we both try to navigate our new roles."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I do not love my nephews with the same intensity as a parent. My sister believes that I should and is hurt that I do not."
"Is it an a**hole move to love your nieces and nephews, but not in the same way you would if they were your actual children?"
"I'm new-ish to being an aunt, and I was very surprised by this expectation."
"On a recent visit to see my sister and her three children, she told me she was hurt and disappointed that I don't love her children in the same manner that she and her husband do. I told her this was an unreasonable expectation... AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You're NTA. Your sister's expectation that you have the same tolerance for her screeching children as she does is unreasonable."
"Not even sure why she brought it up to you. Seems kind of weird, unless she and her husband had it in their heads to make you the children's guardian should something happen to them, and seeing your reaction to their tantrums made her realize that might not be a good idea." ~ Dittoheadforever
"NTA. Your sister's request is way off base. It's completely unreasonable for her to expect any family member to love her kids like she and her husband do."
"Especially a family member who only sees said kids once or twice a year. Not everyone has the same tolerance for kids."
"I think parents tend to become immune to their noise and tantrums. Yes, these are normal, but they can be quite grating for people who aren't the child's parents."
"You handle the situation well. I don't think anyone would blame you for ducking out of a room with a crying kid."
"Your sister needs to understand and respect this. You're being a great aunt otherwise." ~ Wild_Ticket1413
"NTA. A parent's love (bio or not) is special and deep. Asking anyone else to feel the same way is off-base."
"Asking your childfree sibling who lives six hours away by plane to love your children the way you do crosses over into absurdity."
"Leaving the room when they're screaming is fine. Only playing with them for two hours at a time is fine."
"Also, three toddlers is a lot for anyone to deal with." ~ dryadduinath
"NTA, you're the fun aunt, and they aren't your kids. Sounds like you're doing a great job at being the fun aunt and spend a lot of time with them. You didn't sign up for the tantrums and fits; that's their parents' job to deal with." ~ Sticky_sweet962
"The fits will go away, and you will enjoy your visits a lot more. Right now, your sister is probably a bit crazy/overwhelmed, so she's not thinking right. She doesn't understand you not wanting a screaming circus in your life, and that's too bad for her."
"They will get older, you do you, and eventually they will be teenagers who grunt at you all. Don't worry about it. NTA." ~ BluebirdAny3077
"NTA. When siblings meet as adults and one has kids and one doesn't, it can be pretty hard to find a middle ground if you are staying with each other."
"You have no experience 'managing' the kids and the adults have completely lost any sense of purely adult interaction and just expect that everyone eventually 'grows up' and has kids."
"I had siblings stay for too long, and on two separate occasions, I was accused of not caring about their kids and their development effectively because they were treating our new home as they lived in their home, and we wanted it to be tidier and a little more care given."
"They recently bought cats to get rid of the mice in their home—we would prefer no mice." ~ badpebble
The OP provided a brief update:
"We chatted this weekend, and things seemed totally normal, so I'm hoping my sister just temporarily lost her mind."
"I guess we'll see if this whole issue comes back up when we have a more substantial conversation."
Hopefully these sisters are back on even footing.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.