Some people can’t wait to have children. They dream of it, sometimes even from the time of their own childhood.
While others have no desire to ever have children. Now with changes in societal expectations and access to reproductive healthcare, people who never wanted kids aren’t forced to have them.
Unless they live in a Republican controlled state in the USA.
A happily childfree woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her sister took exception to her devotion to her nephews.
Happyhappy_joyjoy11 asked:
“AITA for not loving my sister’s children the way she and her husband do?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“The past two years I (43, female) have traveled to spend a week with my sister (40, female) and her family. She and her husband have three young boys – a 3.5 year old and twin 2.5 year olds.”
“It’s about a 6 hour flight, so it’s not a trip I can make on a regular basis.”
“When I visited last February, it was a great trip. Good mix of sister time, hanging out with the kids and her husband, a night out, a house party, just all around enjoyable.”
“Her husband is great and is a stay at home Dad. My sister works from home and is a successful business woman. I was genuinely excited to go visit again last month.”
“I’m not a kid person and I never have been. My partner and I are intentionally childless and we love our quiet, low key life.”
“I’m good with kids. I’ll play with them with their toys, I’ll crawl around on the floor with them, I’m down to do whatever goofy thing they’re into—but for only about 2 hours at a time. Then I have to tap out and recharge.”
“I’m also not great with the constant noise kids make. I understand that’s just what they do, but I’ve got a low threshold for it, especially when it’s the full blown meltdowns.”
“For the first 3-4 days I was at my sister’s, the three kids were screaming and crying nearly every 25 minutes. So when the temper tantrums started, I’d go outside or at least leave the room.”
“I’ve tried to tell her people without kids, who do not want any of their own, have their feelings reaffirmed, NOT questioned, by spending time with other people’s kids.”
“At one point, the kids and husband are out of the house, and my sister took the opportunity to tell me how she’s disappointed that I ‘don’t love the boys the way (husband’s name) and I do. ‘”
“I said that I do love the boys, and I asked if there was something I did or didn’t do with the kids that upset her. She said no, that I was great with them.”
“I asked if she thought I was paying enough attention to them. She said I was, but brought up my low tolerance for the fits.”
“I apologized and reminded her that I’m really not used to it and that it’s kind of stressful, so I just remove myself from the situation.”
“Things kind of devolved from there. As our convo progressed, she said that when I leave or she sees me take that deep breath while I try to brace myself for the screaming, it comes across as me saying, ‘I think you’re a bad parent.'”
“I said I didn’t think they are, but then I made the fatal mistake of saying I think she and her husband are permissive parents.”
“She’s got the unconditional love thing down 100%. The boundaries and general discipline? Not so much.”
“Boy howdy, I should have kept that one to myself. The stream of insults and accusations that led to was not worth it.”
“There’s so much context I cannot begin to get into, but suffice it to say her request while pregnant to ‘tell me the truth about my kids and how we are raising them’ must have been the hormones talking.”
“But we recovered, and the rest of the trip was fine enough.”
“Am I the a**hole thinking that my sister’s request is way off base?”
The OP wanted to clarify a few things.
“I love my nephews, but I don’t think anyone can love children in the way that child’s parents do.”
“They explicitly told me after the kids were born that I would not be the guardian in the event of a horrific tragedy bc they know I’m not a kid person.”
“The plan has been while they’re little, the boys would go to a close family friend. Once the boys are older, like when they’re almost teenagers, then they would come to me.”
“I think my sister is just struggling with the young kids, feeling overwhelmed and possibly a little envious, and being a bit on the approval-seeking side.”
“I love my sister dearly. She is genuinely my closest friend and our relationship has come such a long way from when we were younger.”
“She’s always known she wanted to be a mother and has been over the moon about her boys since day one. Like so many parents, her children are the center of her world.”
“I really hope she’s adjusting to the changes in our relationship as we both try to navigate our new roles.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I do not love my nephews with the same intensity as a parent. My sister believes that I should and is hurt that I do not.”
“Is it an a**hole move to love your nieces and nephews, but not in the same way you would if they were your actual children?”
“I’m new-ish to being an aunt, and I was very surprised by this expectation.”
“On a recent visit to see my sister and her three children, she told me she was hurt and disappointed that I don’t love her children in the same manner that she and her husband do. I told her this was an unreasonable expectation… AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“You’re NTA. Your sister’s expectation that you have the same tolerance for her screeching children as she does is unreasonable.”
“Not even sure why she brought it up to you. Seems kind of weird, unless she and her husband had it in their heads to make you the children’s guardian should something happen to them, and seeing your reaction to their tantrums made her realize that might not be a good idea.” ~ Dittoheadforever
“NTA. Your sister’s request is way off base. It’s completely unreasonable for her to expect any family member to love her kids like she and her husband do.”
“Especially a family member who only sees said kids once or twice a year. Not everyone has the same tolerance for kids.”
“I think parents tend to become immune to their noise and tantrums. Yes, these are normal, but they can be quite grating for people who aren’t the child’s parents.”
“You handle the situation well. I don’t think anyone would blame you for ducking out of a room with a crying kid.”
“Your sister needs to understand and respect this. You’re being a great aunt otherwise.” ~ Wild_Ticket1413
“NTA. A parent’s love (bio or not) is special and deep. Asking anyone else to feel the same way is off-base.”
“Asking your childfree sibling who lives six hours away by plane to love your children the way you do crosses over into absurdity.”
“Leaving the room when they’re screaming is fine. Only playing with them for two hours at a time is fine.”
“Also, three toddlers is a lot for anyone to deal with.” ~ dryadduinath
“NTA, you’re the fun aunt, and they aren’t your kids. Sounds like you’re doing a great job at being the fun aunt and spend a lot of time with them. You didn’t sign up for the tantrums and fits; that’s their parents’ job to deal with.” ~ Sticky_sweet962
“The fits will go away, and you will enjoy your visits a lot more. Right now, your sister is probably a bit crazy/overwhelmed, so she’s not thinking right. She doesn’t understand you not wanting a screaming circus in your life, and that’s too bad for her.”
“They will get older, you do you, and eventually they will be teenagers who grunt at you all. Don’t worry about it. NTA.” ~ BluebirdAny3077
“NTA. When siblings meet as adults and one has kids and one doesn’t, it can be pretty hard to find a middle ground if you are staying with each other.”
“You have no experience ‘managing’ the kids and the adults have completely lost any sense of purely adult interaction and just expect that everyone eventually ‘grows up’ and has kids.”
“I had siblings stay for too long, and on two separate occasions, I was accused of not caring about their kids and their development effectively because they were treating our new home as they lived in their home, and we wanted it to be tidier and a little more care given.”
“They recently bought cats to get rid of the mice in their home—we would prefer no mice.” ~ badpebble
The OP provided a brief update:
“We chatted this weekend, and things seemed totally normal, so I’m hoping my sister just temporarily lost her mind.”
“I guess we’ll see if this whole issue comes back up when we have a more substantial conversation.”
Hopefully these sisters are back on even footing.