We would all like to be able to choose any look or material we wish for special items like jewelry.
But sometimes, allergies get in our way, and we have to listen, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Grace1439, unfortunately, learned it’s not always easy to talk about after she accidentally hurt her future husband’s feelings.
Seeing his reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should have mentioned her allergy at all.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for asking for a different engagement ring that’s rather expensive?”
The OP realized she was allergic to her engagement ring.
“My (30 [male]) partner and I (22 [female]) have been together for over 2 years and I have never been the type to be concerned about money.”
“My engagement ring is beautiful and I adore it; that is not the issue.”
“I have recently discovered I have a nickel allergy.”
“I thought it was ring rash at first and left it for a while but now my ring finger is severely red, swollen, and burning.”
“It’s to the point I can barely put my rings on. It has also spread to the middle and pinkie finger on my left hand.”
The OP proposed an idea to her fiancé, which he did not appreciate.
“I began researching rings that are nickel-free and the only way to guarantee it doesn’t contain my allergen is by getting 24k gold or platinum.”
“For those who don’t know about jewelry, that is at least 3 to 5 grand.”
“I told him about this and how I knew it would be a lot to save up and I will happily wear my silicone workout band until then, but I really want a real ring he picked out to wear.”
“He got a bit upset (not yelling or anything, he’s a very great guy) and thinks it’s just me wanting something more extravagant and not appreciating what he worked for already.”
“I’m beginning to regret even asking and just truly wondering, am I being an a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was right to address her allergies.
“Sterling silver is too soft a metal to make a good engagement ring. It bends, dents, scratches, tarnishes, and wears down very quickly and easily.”
“It’s not meant to be worn every day for decades. I work with precious and semi-precious metals and believe it’s a poor choice for such a high-use, high-impact piece of jewelry.”
“Your boyfriend strikes me as a cheap dude, especially if he makes you feel guilty for your allergy. And honestly, 3k is not that expensive for an engagement ring.”
“Get another ring, or another boyfriend, who values you.” – DecentPear2496
“It seems like OP should change out the band portion and swap in the center stone if it’s really about the allergy.”
“I’m allergic to nickel as well but I had both an 18 karat and a platinum band, and neither gave me any issues. 24 karat gold is extremely soft and scratches very easily and even gets misshapen sometimes.”
“I’d probably recommend platinum since it’s harder and will have fewer allergic issues as well.” – JuryNo7670
Others agreed but believed she could have used more tact.
“You need to have this looked at, depending upon what city or state you’re in, you can find community care offices run by the department of health.”
“Make sure you emphasize to the fiance that you love him very very much, and the relationship is very very important.”
“And that you were so focused on being able to wear a ring, that you probably didn’t handle the conversation too well, and just seem like you were jumping on him for an upgrade, which is not what you’re looking for. You can do this, good luck!” – CTDV8R
“NTA for asking for a new ring to suit your allergy, although I would approach your fiance again with an update to options and prices.”
“I would assume he is able to see the physical allergic reaction for himself so his comment about just not appreciating the ring he got you and how he saved for it is ridiculous.” – HopeUnknown0417
A few also pointed out the OP received bad advice about the 24 karat gold.
“It is highly unusual to get 24 karat gold jewelry because pure gold is so soft.”
“14 to 18 karat is relatively standard, and you can find 22 karat every so often but it is rare. (As far as I know you can find it more commonly in India or Egypt)”
“My mother also had a nickel allergy, and was only able to wear gold. She had gold-plated garter clips before pantyhose were invented.”
“She could probably wear platinum as well but I don’t believe she ever owned any platinum jewelry. She could pretty accurately identify the difference between 10 and 14 karat by how her skin reacted to it.”
“Useful to note that later in her life she had osteoporosis and after a fall broke her forearm. Doctors pinned the bones back together using surgical grade steel which she did not react to.”
“Other things to note, if you are allergic to copper you probably want to avoid rose gold as copper is the main metal that it is alloyed with.” – The_Midnight_Minx
“Those prices they quoted you are way off. I’m also seriously allergic to nickel, and my engagement ring is white gold. Cost well under 2k.”
“Keep in mind that a lot of the cost comes from the stones, not the band, and that diamonds in particular are marked WAY up and retain almost no value.”
“Pro tip, see if there’s a jewelry wholesaler near you. Their prices are usually much lower than a regular store, and the rings are just as high quality.”
“We bought my engagement ring from a wholesale place, back when we were both in college and scraping by, and were able to afford a much nicer ring than we could have gotten otherwise.”
“If you can’t wear your current ring, then you obviously need a new one. You can’t help having a nickel allergy.”
“But if your fiance can’t return the first ring, you two may have to settle for something a little simpler for now, because a second ring may not reasonably be in the budget.” – Purple_Midnight_Yak
“This is a great life lesson for you, you don’t always want to get advice from the salesperson.”
“A car salesperson is going to steer you to the car he wants you to buy, he’s never going to recommend repairing your existing car or buying a less expensive car, he is paid on his commission.”
“A jeweler is in the business of selling jewelry, he’s not a doctor or a nurse, and he makes money by selling jewelry.”
“Not everybody in life is going to take advantage of you, but you must be wary as to where you seek advice and what that person’s interest would be in helping you.” – CTDV8R
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“I just got done talking to him and he apologized for not taking the allergy seriously. He was just shocked by the amount.”
“I’m gonna go ringless until this all heals up and wear my silicone while we look at titanium and wood options.”
“We were going to look into a lower gold but since I’ve seen comments about other people having gold allergies, we’re gonna avoid that since I want to wear it daily for years.”
“I will admit I was a bit of an a**hole since I didn’t think to look more online and listened to a salesman first.”
“He also wants us to look into low-cost allergy treatments that aren’t directly through the doctor.”
While the OP felt terrible about how she initially handled the situation, the subReddit understood standing up for her allergy.
Wearing a ring long-term that contains an allergen would not only be unrealistic but would likely cause long-term problems, which any happy couple would not want.