Forgiveness and honesty are foundational elements of any healthy relationship.
The ability to be your genuine self with someone else and to have them embrace that transparency by matching it can be a beautiful thing.
Unfortunately, honesty can also reveal hidden cruelty.
What happens when you suddenly discover that the person who is about to share your life is not what you expected?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Chemical-Dot-765 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my fiancée to leave our own engagement party after she insulted my sister for once being a prostitute and a high school dropout?”
OP began with some background.
“(34 Male) When I was fourteen, my parents passed away in a car accident.”
“We had a great aunt who was still alive, but she lived hours away. She was considered too old and sickly to have custody of minors.”
“My sister (39 Female) Kate was nineteen, so she was given custody of me and our little sister.”
“To prevent us from becoming homeless and being thrown in foster care, Kate left school and worked as a prostitute.”
“Doing that on top of a cashier job was the only way she could adequately pay our rent and buy food for us.”
“It was only for a short time, as it allowed Kate to get enough money to take courses and become certified as a hair stylist.”
“Kate eventually was able to get a GED and now owns her own beauty salon.”
“But Kate admits her time as a prostitute was the darkest point in her life, and we have never forgotten the sacrifice Kate made for us.”
He explained the setting.
“At our engagement party, me and my fiance (32 Female) Lilly were talking to Kate and her husband John.”
“Kate talked about she and John were planning a Hawaiian vacation and wanted to go this year with my nephew (2 Male) Philip.”
“But they decided it would be better to just save for a few more years and focus some of their money on repairs for the salon.”
“I agreed that it would also be better to wait because Philip will be older and able to remember and appreciate the trip.”
That’s when things took a turn.
“But then Lilly sneered at Kate and said, ‘If you want extra money, you can always quit the salon and go back to being a wh*re for a living. Not like anywhere else can trust a high school dropout with a job.'”
“Kate started crying and John lead her away to comfort her.”
“I told Lilly to go somewhere else immediately.”
“I didn’t care where she went.”
“Just leave so I didn’t have to look at her.”
“Lilly argued, but I snapped at her to get out of my sight until she left.”
The OP got to the question at hand.
“My future in-laws are calling me heartless and cruel.”
“They say that Lilly’s going to be my wife soon, so I can’t just send her away every time we disagree and should have done the mature thing by talking rather than publicly sending her away and humiliating Lilly.”
“I realize what I did was humiliating to Lilly and it was not the greatest way to handle the situation, but I’m still struggling to look at Lilly after knowing she thought those things of Kate.”
“Was I the a**hole for sending Lilly away?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for some outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some were shocked at Lily’s cruelty.
“NTA”
“But why are you marrying this person?”
“Seriously.”
“I’m not normally the type to say ‘divorce’ on the first offense, and I have gotten flack here for recommending talking this out before making a rash decision.”
“But Lily being so pointlessly cruel to your sister for no particular reason has more red flags than Moscow on a May Day Parade at the height of the Soviet Union.”
“Your sister went through hell to put food on the table for you and your younger sister.”
“Lily didn’t give a sh*t about that.”
“And by extension, doesn’t give a sh*t about your childhood.”
“You might want to consider what that means for her feelings towards you, any future children, etc.”
“Some things can’t be taken back. There is no do-over. Some actions have consequences that are permanent. This is one of them.”
“Note, your in-laws had no problem with Lily shaming your sister but were furious that she got shamed. This shows you where Lily got her morality. You may want to ponder on that for a bit.”
“I would recommend talking to Lily and asking why she hates your sister for sacrificing so much for you and your younger sister.”
“Give her a fair listen, don’t interrupt.”
“Without the most unlikely reason of the century (brain tumor, family member held at gunpoint, etc), I would firmly recommend telling her to go to hell and telling her to never bother you again.”
“Marrying her, let alone having kids or signing a mortgage together, would probably be the biggest mistake of your life.”
“Edit: Props to you for reacting appropriately and immediately. Go give your sister a hug and tell her how much you love her.” ~ ExcitingTabletop
“Adding on to this on-point comment:”
“Your sister lost her parents as barely an adult, and in the midst of all that had to both care for two children and literally sacrificed her own body to do so.”
“What she did is nothing short of heroic, and just about one of the most awful and traumatizing things I can imagine.”
“Firstly, ANYONE saying ANYTHING unannounced about something that must’ve been SO traumatizing? There’s no telling how many buried wounds were ripped open that way.”
“Secondly, to say anything short of reverence about thát big a sacrifice is a big testament to your fiancée’s character.”
“Who sh*ts on someone’s ultimate sacrifice? She did. Are you sure you want THAT in your life?”
“People judge others by who they are close to. If this isn’t something relationship-ending, I’m pretty sure what your sister will think of you and how much she thinks you appreciated the cost of the roof over your head after your parents passed away.” ~ lurker-deluxe
Many responders cautioned against continuing the relationship.
“Do not marry that women. She is not a good person.” ~ 45ham
“NTA.”
“But dude, this wasn’t a ‘disagreement.'”
“This was your future wife trying to and succeeding in hurting your sister.”
“Your sister who dropped out of school and did work that she hated (and was illegal and scorned in society) to keep you alive and safe.”
“You aren’t the a**hole here.”
“But if you’re not reconsidering this marriage you would be one.”
“This is not okay. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you and your sister with such disrespect?”
“Lilly’s parents are also a**holes, but that should be clear.”
“Your sister and her husband are absolutely not a**holes.” ~ FunOnAita
“Lily is a disgrace.”
“Kate is a freaking warrior who should be cheered everyday for what she did.”
“OP is NTA for arguing with Lilly and her awful parents, but will definitely become one if you don’t call this engagement off.”
“Who would want to marry to such a horrific person?”
“Really hope there’s an update to this saying Lilly is now an ex and OP, Kate and her family are off to Hawaii with the money that wasn’t spent on the wedding.” ~ Ok-Isopod1172
“NTA”
“Does she know the whole story?”
“If she does, I know it gets said a LOT on posts like this, but it’s time to look at if you really want a person like that in your life.”
“She showed you who she is, so believe her.”
“Big props to your sister for stepping up for you and your sibling, that must have been really traumatizing and stressful.” ~ Hellshot13
Some were careful to point out that not only was Lilly wrong, but there’s no shame in sex work.
“Okay, so – sex work is work. It should be respected, unionized, and include great healthcare and insurance options.”
“It‘s honest work.”
“Your sister not having any other CHOICE but to be a sex worker though is a horrendous governmental failure, but that‘s a whole other debate. Kate isn‘t the a**hole for being upset.”
“You aren‘t the a**hole for sticking up for Kate.”
“Lilly is the a**hole for being rude, hurtful, and prejudiced against sex workers.”
“Do you by any chance have lots of money that she‘s marrying you for, or is she maybe after some sort of secondary gain?”
“Would she gain anything by alienating you from your family? She is awful. I wouldn‘t marry her after that. NTA.” ~ tiacalypso
It sounds like the OP can rest assured that he did the right thing by calling out his fiancée and defending his sister.
Remember that everyone you meet has a past that you know nothing about and did not experience. That past is a part of them and while some of it is beautiful, some of it is awful.
Be kind to everyone you meet, but tolerate no cruelty.