Dealing with in-laws is a tricky situation.
Especially if the relationship was never that close.
And as they age, they can want to get more involved.
That leads to upheaval now and then.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for accusing my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] of faking being hospitalized and refusing to let her stay with us?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband is 57 and I am 49. My MIL is 81."
"She used to be very independent but since my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] passed away a few years ago, her health has been declining (she can walk and take care of herself, she's just frailer) and she's become much more softspoken and generally nice."
"To be perfectly honest, she never used to be easy to get along with, and my husband agrees."
"But anyways that's alright."
"I didn't have much contact with her, and she had her own life; my husband visited maybe once every few months because we live very close to her, about half an hour."
"Recently, though, she wants him to visit more often, and she gets upset when she isn't invited to things we are doing."
"For example, we recently went on a trip to celebrate my husband's birthday, and he didn't want to bring her as it would really limit the sorts of activities we could do."
"She insisted we should have gone on a 'chill' trip and brought her."
"Last week, we went to visit my family."
"My MIL called my husband and said she was really sick and admitted to the hospital."
"My husband obviously panicked and we both took a flight that evening back home to see what was wrong."
"It turned out she was totally fine and apparently had a mild cold."
"We spoke to the doctor, and she said my MIL had said she 'couldn't breathe,' and when the doctor said she could go home, she insisted on being admitted."
"I told my husband it sounded like she just wanted to be admitted so you would come back to check on her."
"He was appalled, but later on agreed that it did kind of make sense and sounded like something she would do."
"She wants to stay with us now because she is 'sick.'"
"I said no, she is faking it and I don't want to deal with her all day."
"My husband thinks I'm being a selfish a**hole."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Mixed bag. NTA for resisting having MIL move in."
"But YTA for being generally cold and flippant toward her and her health (even if she 'faked' the recent scare)."
'She's an 81-year-old widower living alone."
"She's not feeling great, possibly has more fear about being alone given her frail condition, and she wants to see her son more."
"Maybe her asks are too big or too much but seems like y'all could be more sympathetic and consider stepping it up a bit."
"Make your own informed assessment of what she does need, and decide what you can reasonably do." ~ Justsaying0000
"I'd warn your husband to be on the lookout for dementia."
"My mom insisted for a decade that my grandmother's increasing a**holish behavior and constant medical needs were her faking it, but it was all signs of her declining memory and need for more hands-on care." ~ Ok-Vacation2308
"I came here to say the same thing, too."
"What got me was the OP talking about how the MIL is more pleasant now."
"My Mom was a very unhappy woman her whole life, but now that she has dementia she is so cheerful, and actually smiles when she sees me come to visit her every day."
"She never used to smile at me like that."
"81 is definitely the age when non-Alzheimer's dementia can start to present." ~ mspolytheist
"That happened with my husband's aunt."
"She was a terrible, racist, classist, and just really mean. I and our kids never actually met her because my husband said he wouldn't put us through that!"
"Now, she's in assisted living and sweet as pie to everyone." ~ Worldly_Instance_730
"It's something you should consult with a doctor about and track independently in a journal to establish patterns."
"Write down what you know about your dad and his mindsets, and if things change, take it as a note to follow up on before it normalizes for you as a personality change creep you attribute to just being old.
"My grandma used to be a nice lady, but she slowly started saying more and more out-of-pocket s**t that she never would have dreamed of doing when she was younger and more with it."
"I don't remember all of what she'd do."
"It's been a few years since she was admitted to memory care, but the night she was taken to the hospital for a psychosis episode, I had visited during the day, and my grandma, always my supporter for not having kids until I was financially ready, made an uncharacteristic comment that I needed to get on having kids asap."
"I wasn't getting any younger."
"That combined with how much weight she'd lost since my last visit and her fall just a few months back prompted me to tell my mom and dad that they needed to get her looked at because it wasn't sitting right with me as 'just old people things.'"
"But because they'd basically been the frogs in her pot for the past 10 years of her escalating behavior, they shushed me and told me that's how she always is nowadays."
"That night, she busted into their room looking for her husband who had passed 15 years ago, and tried to fight my mom thinking she was her husband's affair partner."
"She ended up taken away in an ambulance and diagnosed with dementia within the week." ~ Ok-Vacation2308
"I work as a caregiver for dementia patients and this is very true."
"Not always the case, but something to look out for."
"When someone they love very dearly passes, and they suddenly find themselves rattling around alone most if not all the time, you'd be surprised just how rapidly that mental decline can occur."
"Thinking deceased loved ones are alive again, that they're in their 20's, in college, etc."
"And she will be needy because she's afraid."
"For a lot of them, when it starts, they know something is wrong."
"They don't know what, but they can tell something is off."
"So that lack of knowledge creates fear and neediness."
"I don't know when the last time she was seen by her General Practitioner was, but might be worth checking out." ~ Wendi1018
"Agreed. Even her seemingly becoming nicer could be a sign of this."
"But NTA for pointing out the manipulation."
"Your husband is in a difficult place."
"He's not the a**hole for disagreeing with you, but would be the a**hole if he actually resorted to name calling." ~ Alternative-Job-288
"YTA. I wouldn't let her move in either, but you lack compassion."
"She's elderly, has lost her husband, and has probably never lived alone before."
"This was my mother a few years ago."
"She kept saying she was fine until she wasn't."
"She moved into a retirement home, and she is much happier."
"She has no bills to worry about, she comes and goes as she pleases, has her new and old friends and she's not lonely."
"And there is medical attention if she needs it." ~ Historical-Goal-3786
"I'll get dinged for this but NAH."
"Your MIL is scared, alone, and facing her own mortality."
"Is she handling it well? No."
"What she did was an AH move but she deserves a little grace. And communication."
"Your husband specifically needs to have a heart-to-heart with her."
"Figure out what she needs and help her get it. "
"Maybe independent living."
"Maybe moving closer to you."
"She's used to having another person to bounce ideas off."
"You are not the AH for being mad." ~ Sufficient-Produce85
"NTA. If she doesn't want to live independently, I recommend getting your hub to lay out all of her actual options with her (which doesn't include moving in with you)."
"Also, as her son, he can call a hospital for an update on her condition, so if she does this again, you can ask for the hospital social worker to look at her case and avoid running to her side (which is what she is manipulating you both into doing)." ~ Specific_Yogurt2217
"NTA. She sounds like she can be a giant pain in the rear."
"She's also 81 and alone."
"This is really a husband problem."
"She only lives 30 minutes away and he only sees her once every few months."
"He needs to step it up."
"It would not hurt him to make a standing weekly appointment with his mother."
"They could go to a local diner or sit in her kitchen so she can fawn over him with desserts or whatever."
"It wouldn't even have to cut out of your time together."
"Make it a weekday dinner thing on whatever night that you guys routinely don't have anything scheduled."
"You don't have to go and can spend that time on something you enjoy- even if that's bringing something dumb on TV."
"There's a good chance that if he puts in some time with his mom, the dramatics will slow down."
"It's not like she's going to change at this point and there's not a ton of time left to even worry about this at her age."
"In any case, this isn't your problem. It's a him problem." ~ StacyB125
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. This is a situation that sounds like it could get worse, fast.
Perhaps you could have a sit down with a spouse and read through the comments to help you gameplan how to handle her MIL's care going forward. We wish you all well.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp