Recovering addicts continually face challenges that many people who haven’t suffered compulsions don’t understand.
Redditor toomuchforme99 is a male who recently became clean, but he was quickly reminded of his troubled reputation in the past during a celebratory occasion.
After reacting dramatically, he visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for getting upset that my sister’s fiancé pulled me aside and patted me down at their wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) started off with:
“The title sounds so stupid but here we go anyways.”
“I’m 24 and I’m an addict who has been in recovery for the past six months.”
“I used and used until I was basically in poverty and my older sister helped bail me out more than once.”
“She’s my best friend and I know it hurt her a lot to see me like that.”
“She also met her fiancé two years ago and he really only knew me as the junkie brother then. He’s not my biggest fan to say the least considering how much I put my sister through.”
“Despite this she still invited me to her wedding last week because I am her brother and she wanted me to be there.”
“When I get to the reception, my brother in law is greeting people as they walk in.”
“When I walk by he pulls me to the side and in front of everyone starts patting me down and says that he needs to check me to make sure I ‘didn’t bring anything in’. I instinctively pull away, because why wouldn’t I, and I tell him not to touch me.”
“He tells me to ‘calm down’ and that if I want to be here then he needs to do this. I tell him he’s being ridiculous and I try to push past him. He stops me and tells me that he doesn’t want to throw me out but he ‘will if he has to.’ I told him that he’s trying to look tough but it’s just making him look stupid.”
“At this point I’m getting more and more angry and I’m practically yelling in his face at this point. Bystanders came between us and separated us and told my BIL to just ‘drop it.’ He said he would but that ‘they can deal with it when I get out of hand.’”
“I just went to go find a seat after that.”
“After the reception, a lot of my family told me that I should’ve let him just do it and that I was acting like a huge a**hole and like I had ‘something to hide.'”
“I don’t think he had any right to pat me down, especially in front of people and I don’t think my reaction was over the top. If anything, he was the one acting like a huge douche by trying to start drama so he can look tough. My sister has refused to take any sides in this.”
“AITA?”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Redditors weighed in with their various thoughts on the situation.
“YTA.”
“You previously showed up f’ked up at a family picnic and fought this brother in law. You also state there were multiple fights in addition to that.”
“He probably didnt want you there because of his hustory with you. He was the bigger man, let you celebrate their union. And then you have a meltdown like everyone expects. You proved to him/everyone/yourself that youre still unstable.”
“It’s his big day, he has every right to take precautions to make sure you dont f’k up another family gathering.”
“You are only six months sober. Thats a big accomplishment for you, but given statistics, its obvipus why your family thought youd sneak in a flask/some gear.”
“The damage you did to your friends/family takes more than six months to heal. Try six years, and then you can act high and mighty, like your previous sh**ty behavior is moot.” – 860xThrowaway
“This was so well articulated! OP, please understand that although you felt humiliated and accosted, you had the opportunity to show self control and self sacrifice for your sister and you chose not to. Now this will always be a painful memory on their wedding day.”
“It is entirely possibly for 2 people to behave badly. Just because BIL behaved badly FIRST, does not mean that your bad behavior is justified.”
“Seeing red is no excuse. Please adjust your feelings on the matter and apologize. This is an opportunity to make a path towards a better relationship with them both, and apologizing will earn you respect and trust.”
“On the other hand, if you refuse to apologize, continue to blame your BIL and not make this right between you NOW; you could potentially further damage your relationship with both your BIL and Sister and it could even cause further rifts in their relationship.”
“This essentially boils down to one point, do you want to be right (justified) or do you want to be happy (in your relationship with your sister)? Pick one, because you cannot continue to hold resentment against your BIL and continue to have a happy future with your sister. Stop the complications now. Do your part to create peace.” – milkdudsnotdrugs
“ESH—”
“This was handled badly by both sides and I think your sister is smart to keep out of it.”
“I could see both sides being valid, depending on who told me the story first. You have to be there, known both parties, and gotten proper context.”
“I can see you are embarrassed and that might be coloring the telling. I think this was not done properly, and there is probably a lot of emotional tension between you and your brother-in-law.”
“I think you need to keep in mind, Op, that your sister has a lifetime of love and happy memories to fall back on. She sees you as her little brother, who went the wrong way on the path of life, and believes strongly you can come back.”
“Each victory, small moment of sobriety, is a sign you are still in there pushing your way out. She has context, compassion, and history to pad her disappointment.”
“All your BIL has is stories about the shitty things you did on drugs. He has all the moments of your sister crying, being hurt, and you going back to drugs again. And instead of you staying out of his life, his wife wants you to be present and at his wedding.”
“I probably wouldn’t have let you attend until you had a few years of sobriety behind you. But your sister sounds like a wonderful person. But you have to understand that people fall off the wagon all the time.”
“Six months is a good start, but the peak is still pretty far away on this hike. So you need to accept that no one fully trusts your word, because you are still a drug addict to them—not a former drug addict.”
“It is going to take a good chunk of time and social awkwardness to convince people you mean well. And while it was unfair to embarrass you like that in public, you have probably done worse things to your family while on drugs.”
“So if you care about your sister, who has supported you despite her own life being strained, then I think you should make an effort to talk with your BIL, clear the air, and apologize.”
“Not because he deserves it, but because your sister does. And I think, if you want to be in her new life, you need to show you can be reasonable and reasoned with—and are willing to put aside problems to talk them out. Don’t just apologize without having a conversation about why you were embarrassed.” – [deleted]
“YTA”
“You’re an addict in recovery and this guy cares enough about your sister to pat you down himself at his own wedding to make sure you at least won’t OD on her wedding day.”
“Parties and special occasions can be huge triggers for addiction and it isn’t uncommon for someone to say ‘just this one time’ and the spiral out of control.”
“Rather than just laughing it off and being like ‘chill man I’m not carrying’ and letting it proceed, you act all hurt that he would think that you might be lying about your recovery, drawing more attention to the pat down and making yourself seem more suspect of carrying.”
“You’re still pissed about it way later and making a big deal about it because of your hurt pride. You’re making drama because someone actually took the time to care about your addiction and recovery. Try to take it in the positive way rather than the negative for everyone’s sake.” – wwwyzzrd
“NTA Who pats someone down at a wedding? If you were a gang banger known for carrying weapons, maybe, but not an addict.”
“And if it was REALLY necessary, there’s so many other ways he could have gone about it that would make him not TA. But to do something like that in front of all the other guests is humiliating and completely out of line (and I’d wonder if it was purposeful humiliation).”
“If he had taken you privately to another room, while I still wouldn’t agree with it, I’d go with just suck it up for the sake of keeping the peace, but in front of everyone is just, yikes. – wisegirl19”
Some Redditors thought the groom had every right to make assurances that his special day would go smoothly, while others thought the pat down may not have been the best tactic.
But overall, a good majority of Redditors thought the OP should have just complied and not make a scene–as that ended up making him seem more suspicious.