Getting pulled into a couple’s personal drama is never fun.
Especially when one of them is a member of your family.
There is only so much a loved one can do when it comes to navigating the relationship woes of others.
Case in point…
Redditor silmaritaldiscord wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for forwarding my brother his wife’s texts?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (29 F[emale]) brother Todd (33 M[ale]) is married to Hayley (31 F), and they have a 10-month-old son, Josh.”
“My family moved to Switzerland when we were young, but Todd went back to the U[nited] S[tates] for college, which is where he met Hayley.”
“And they’ve since moved back to Switzerland when Hayley got pregnant.”
“Since Hayley and Todd got married, and especially since she gave birth, Hayley has been trying to involve my mother and me in her and Todd’s relationship.”
It started with OP’s mom.
“She started texting my mother when she and Todd would disagree, asking my mother her opinion or if she could talk to Todd on her behalf.”
“My mother was very uncomfortable with this.”
“My mother was happy to help out with anything to do with adjusting to living in a different country, but she really didn’t want to get involved in Hayley and Todd’s relationship.”
And then it spiraled from there.
“Then Hayley started texting me.”
“She would get in a disagreement with Todd and text me the next day asking me to come to her house to talk about it or ask me for advice.”
“I said was not getting involved in my brother’s marriage and that it was inappropriate, but that didn’t stop her.”
“She started showing up at my mother’s house unannounced and even tried to once at my apartment.”
“We’ve all separately spoken to Todd about this many times, and he’s said he will talk to her about it but nothing ever changes.”
The OP hit her limit navigating her bother’s relationship woes.
“A few days ago I got a call from Hayley.”
“She was screaming and sobbing so loudly my sales assistant could hear her even though she wasn’t on loudspeaker.”
“What I ended up being able to understand was that it was about Todd and money and how he had changed his credit card details, and she was upset.”
“She wanted me to talk to him, but I told her I was not getting involved in this, and I was sick of her trying to drag me into her marriage.”
OP warned her sister-in-law.
“I told her that from now on, any messages or information shared with me would be passed along to Todd because I was done and hung up.”
“She tried to call back, but I didn’t pick up.”
“Then a barrage of texts start coming through.”
“I forwarded them all to Todd and told him this stuff needs to stay on his plate, not ours, and we’re sick of her behavior.”
“Todd apologized and said he’d do something about it.”
“That evening, I got a long text from Hayley saying she can’t believe I forwarded her messages to Todd.”
“And that I betrayed her confidence and that I was a terrible person for never helping her with anything.”
“I just forwarded the message to Todd.”
“Since then, I haven’t heard from her and neither has my mother.”
“I was at lunch with my friends yesterday, all of whom know about the background to this, and they all said that while I definitely should have made sure Todd handled it, I probably shouldn’t have forwarded him the messages immediately.”
“And that I did betray Hayley’s trust.”
“I don’t think I did, considering I warned her what I would do if she didn’t stop.”
“I’ve also been speaking to Todd, and this has caused mayhem in their household.”
“So now I’m feeling bad because that wasn’t my intention.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. You continuously told her that you were not getting involved.”
“She didn’t listen to you and kept going.”
“Calling you at work, and she is hysterical and again didn’t listen to the boundary you set. I don’t blame you.”
“There is a difference between venting and needing to talk about issues. It is completely different asking people to get involved in something that has nothing to do with them.”
“Like the mommy/ daddy card… they told me no, so I go to the other person hoping for a different response or help to convince the other.”
“Very childish.” ~ L1ttl3_wolf
“I’m betting that back in the U.S. with her family around, and she was able to get her way by having them there always to back her up.”
“Now she hasn’t got them behind her. She’s trying to use his family to do what she had her own family to do back in the U.S.”
“NTA here. She’s got some issues that certainly seem a bit controlling and beyond the scope of being lonely.” ~ ChimneyTyreMonster
“Exactly this.”
“OP and OP’s mom stated multiple times they didn’t want to be involved, to stop talking to them about it, and then that OP would just start forwarding everything to the husband.”
“OP did exactly that.”
“S[ister] I[n] L[aw] should have ‘trusted’ that OP would be true to her word, and she was. NTA.” ~ Silent_Coffee_7292
“NTA, but Hayley is TA for not respecting the very clear boundaries you set and repeated many times but it also sounds like she is NOT ok.”
“She is in a new country where she feels isolated, and people are cold (her perception in the comments), and she just had a baby.”
“This is 2 very hard things to do, and they were done at the same time (what a bad idea), and she is not adjusting well.”
“She needs support, and her husband really has to step in to see how they can address the situation because this isn’t working for anyone.” ~ 579red
“Absolutely agree.”
“She is acting crazy and not respecting boundaries, but is she always like that?”
“We need to know if this is new behavior for her.”
“My ex and his mom decided we should move our family across the country to be closer to her.”
“Right before we left, my dad was diagnosed with cancer.”
“Then we got here, and within three weeks it was shut down for Covid.”
“I didn’t have support, couldn’t even meet people, was homeschooling our two kids, and had to deal with the fact that my husband and in-laws talked sh*t about how short I was with the kids and how messy the house was.”
“It’s been three years, and my mental health is barely starting to recover.”
“Our marriage didn’t make it. I, too, acted irrationally and out of character from the stress.”
“That said… there are some things, like trying to make a large sneaky purchase behind her husband’s back, that tells me maybe she’s just very immature.” ~ -tobecontinued-
“Rather than talk things out with her husband, she continually goes to outside people and unnecessarily drags them in.”
“This doesn’t sound like a marriage that will last.”
“Unless there is more going on behind closed doors.”
“NTA. You warned her, and she didn’t stop.” ~ Much_Discipline_7303
“Literally was coming to the comments to say this, so thank you for saying it better than I could.”
“It’s hard moving to a totally different country and suddenly being so far away from family, friends, and the familiar and then adding a new baby on top of everything.”
“I’ve also found Americans tend to be way more familiar to people than us Europeans are sometimes used to, if that makes sense, so there could be some cultural disconnect there too.”
“I will admit maybe there are better ways for her to try and bond with you other than continuing to do something you’ve asked her not to do.”
“I think NAH – it’s a tough situation all round.” ~ MoonSun4321
“Some women just need to complain about men to other women.”
“I agree with OP… It’s exhausting.”
“My M[other[ I[n[ L[aw] does this!”
“Anytime I see her, she bitches non-stop about my husband’s father.”
“She b*tched for over a year to me that he wasn’t fixing a door in a timely fashion.”
“Once that task was complete, she’d b*tch to me about the next thing.”
“Her total lunacy came out when another door needed repair, and he was fixing it the same day it broke.”
“And she was b*tching to me about how he chose THAT day of all days to fix the door.”
“I couldn’t help but respond, ‘Didn’t you b*tch about him not fixing that other door for over a year? At least this one is getting fixed right away.'”
“She shut up after that. OP – NTA.” ~ Moongdss74
OP came back with more info…
“The credit card information and the comments about Todd, he did not change his credit card information.”
“Hayley attempted to make a large purchase on his card that flagged as suspicious, and the card was blocked.”
“Todd has never restricted Hayley’s access to money, particularly as Hayley has her own cards and savings in her own accounts.”
“Nothing Hayley has ever said about Todd make us think there’s anything more serious going on.”
“And I’ve seen with my own eyes a copy of the statement.”
“I know what the charge was for, it was a large personal purchase, nothing that was a necessity for Hayley or the baby.”
Well, OP sounds like Reddit is with you.
You don’t have to be everyone’s marriage counselor.
It may be time for a little couple’s therapy.
Or at least a big family meeting.
Good luck.