What do you do when your best friend has strong negative feelings about someone in your circle of friends?
That was the dilemma for Redditor LuckyAd3530, a 20-year-old woman whose close friend "Jada" discovered something objectionable about one of their friends.
The resulting tension led the OP to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for telling my friend she's not entitled to other people's money"
For context, the Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am now dealing with a problem concerning a friend of mine. I am a college student with a large social circle."
"Because of this, there are a few people in my circle that I don't know well enough. One of them is this girl named. 'Talia.'"
"Talia happens to be very rich, which we did not find out until recently. We didn't realize it because she never presented herself as wealthier than those around her. She didn't wear expensive clothes, she didn't overspend, and she seemed to live her life as a middle-class person at best."
"My best friend Jada, was scrolling through Talia's Instagram when she came upon her brother. Her brother uploaded a picture of their beautiful mansion on Instagram, revealing their wealth."
"To me, this was just an odd thing to discover, but Jada was visibly unhappy."
"When our friend group goes out to places like restaurants or clubs, we always share the bill evenly. Jada was outraged to find that Talia was rich, since she felt Talia had enough money to cover everyone, but decided to keep this information hidden."
"When I told her she wasn't entitled to Talia's money, Jada became enraged."
"She said it was the principle, and Talia was wrong for pretending to be poor. She then confronted Talia in our group chat. Talia has not answered since."
"I advised Jada to calm down since it wasn't that serious, and she told me I was just as wrong as Talia for supporting her actions"
"I really want to give Jada the benefit of the doubt because she doesn't come from a family that does has a lot of money, so there could be some personal feelings involved in this. However, I also think that Talia isn't required to spend more than she has to."
"So AITA?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole in the situation.
"NTA. What the hell? I'm not surprised "Talia" didn't reply. This is probably exactly why she doesn't discuss her financial situation with people." – Mindofmichelia
"If I were OP, I would let Jada know that I'd be expressing full public support to Talia if she were ever to try and make Talia feel as if different things should be expected of her because of her wealth. And that would include immediately backing Talia in the group chat."
"I would also make it clear that I wouldn't tolerate her complaining about Talia's financial decisions privately around me either. That's just talking behind Talia's back when she's done nothing wrong."
"Doesn't make it okay to do just because she has money; that doesn't suddenly make her invulnerable to hurt feelings or an open target for criticism."
"Jada's behaviour is tacky and a sign of deeply-felt entitlement. Isn't it funny how the entitled one in this scenario is not the 'rich girl?' Frankly, Talia's not behaving as if she has wealth is to her credit."
"And I have a feeling Jada's parents complain about people not 'sharing' their wealth or speak poorly of people who have more than they do and don't dish it out to everyone around them. My grandmother is that way, and has passed that mindset on to my uncle."
"We don't speak to them anymore because they make passive aggressive digs about how we have 3 cars (there are literally 3 adults living here who all commute to different cities daily, but no amount of logic will ever convince them that this is not evidence of our opulence) or any number of ridiculous things. And it got back to us what they would say about us to others (basically what Jada said about Talia - that we were greedy, deceptive, that we are responsible for the fact that they have less, etc)."
"Now if OP is seriously very good friends with Jada, I would be calm, but very firm about letting her know that her thinking is absolutely skewed here. I'd initially give the benefit of the doubt (after supporting Talia in the chat) and let her know that, if that's what she was raised to think, she genuinely needs to unlearn it before she alienates herself further and gives others a terrible impression."
"I'd honestly tell her that, while she may think she's letting other people know about some kind of injustice on Talia's part, what she's seriously doing is straight up telling on herself in front of everyone in the group chat."
"Like seriously, the fact that she even did it in the group chat instead of asking her about it privately is insane."
"If she refuses introspection, then I'd just make it a no-go zone for conversation." – hbtfdrckbck
"Idk anyone involved but I'm inclined to say that Talia is not 'pretending to be poor.'"
"I think she's 'being modest' (not even sure I would say that) to protect herself from ppl just like Jada, who think she's their personal ATM."
"Either way, no matter the reason... Yeah no Jada is NOT entitled to Talia's money or any generosity, nor is Talia obligated to be generous to her"
"And not only that, there's no mention of Talia's actual situation. It seems like Jada has no idea what Talia's family dynamics are like so she could just be another kid trying to make it thru this world."
"I mean, yeah there is prob privilege (eg she prob has a cushion a lot of ppl may not have) but to assume that Talia has access to any of her family's wealth to begin with, and then to take it a step further, for Jada believe that she's entitled to that access and that wealth..."
"Is utter horsesh*t."
"And it deserves to be called out. NTA." – Sushi_________Roll
"NTA. There are a dozen reasons Talia might keep that to herself. Maybe she feels awkward about having more money than her friends. Maybe her parents don't actually give her a lot of money to spend."
"Maybe she worries people will think she's showing off if she wears designer clothes. Maybe she worries people will only like her for her money. Whatever the reason she didn't tell you, IT DOESN'T MATTER."
"She's not required to disclose it if she doesn't want to, and she's definitely not required to pay for anyone else." – TessMacc
"NTA, and a mansion doesn't mean that Talia is rich, it means that her parents are. None of you have any idea what that means in terms of Talia's own access to money."
"Jada is a massive AH. Just because Talia's parents have a mansion doesn't mean that they give her a massive allowance or any allowance at all. Or it could mean something in-between."
"Either way, you're right that it's nobody's business. And Jada shouldn't be talking about 'the principle of the thing' because she clearly has no principles if she thinks that she's entitled to be treated to things by someone whose financial situation she knows nothing about other than that they were raised in a large house.
"Talia may have little or no money of her own. Her parents may expect her to earn and pay her own way in life, which is actually true of several people I know whose parents are wealthy but who expect their kids to work hard and make their own money."
"You are definitely NTA. Even if Talia were rich, Jada wouldn't be entitled to her money, but she doesn't even know that Talia IS wealthy in her own right, just that her parents are. And I don't blame Talia one bit for not speaking to her anymore." – FoolMe1nceShameOnU
"NTA. You are right. Nobody is entitled to Talia's money and nobody even knows how much or how little money Talia herself has. It's entirely possible that she has been given a budget from her parents."
"Jada needs to remember that Talia's parents are well off, not Talia. Coming from a wealthy family doesn't mean they throw unlimited amounts of money around!"
"I feel bad for Talia, because she obviously was raised properly and doesn't brag. She also probably didn't want any friends that would behave like Jada and expect her to pay for everything all the time. She just wanted friends who liked her for herself and not what they could possibly get from her." – tatersprout
Overall, Redditors thought Jada was being entitled and they thought that Talia was absolutely under no obligation to pay for the groups' expenses every time they go out.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.