Friendship dynamics shift when a person becomes a parent.
But as much as “good” friends do their best to try and accommodate the new parent in their circle, things don’t always pan out the way they planned or used to.
Redditor Agitated-Health-4692 is a 22-year-old who found this to be the case when planning an annual trip with her girlfriends.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for not inviting my best friend on a girls trip?”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“I and my girls go on a girls trip every December since we all have breaks from Uni. We’re a group of 6 girls and have been doing this since we were 18.”
“We weren’t able to go last year cause of covid. My best friend (21 Female) has 14 month old son. Since her son was born, we haven’t had a day alone with her, which I guess is understandable because she is a new mum.”
“We tried to include her in all the plans we had since having her child but noticed she would always ask if we could change what the plan was to accommodate her baby coming too.”
“This meant the plan was almost always a coffee shop. I genuinely didn’t mind changing all of the plans to be more child friendly, and just assumed she couldn’t get her man or parents to watch her baby for a while.”
“I called her a few weeks ago to ask if she wanted to come to a club with us and she asked if we could go to a coffee shop instead so she could bring her baby.”
“I asked if there was no one who could watch her baby (she lives with her husband who works from home, and her in laws), to which she replied that she’ll feel insane mum guilt if she goes to a club and leaves her baby at home.”
“I said I understood but that I really needed a night out, but we could do coffee the next day. She texted me the following day asking why I had such a big problem having her child around.”
“I was baffled because I’m the one constantly changing plans to accommodate her son, but I asked her to understand me for one night.”
“I really needed a night out and didn’t want to be in a coffee shop. She sounded agitated by my reasoning but left it at that.”
“Now… the girls trip is coming in a week. I didn’t really tell her about the trip because I knew she couldn’t come alone but she heard it from another friend. She jokingly asked why I didn’t invite her to which I laughed off because I felt so awkward.”
“I told her she was welcome to come as always and I would love to have her there. I thought the call was an indication that she would come alone. She called the next day to ask if the resort we were going to be staying at was child friendly.”
“I said it wasn’t as we were looking for more of a club atmosphere and that’s what it was. She then said she couldn’t make it then if it wasn’t going to properly accommodate her son in the activities we do. I said I understand and that I’m sorry.”
“I got a call from her older sister last night calling me all sorts of names because I didn’t want my best friends son to come on the girls trip and that I’m being childish. I’m genuinely still in such shock and don’t know how to even type what I’m feeling right now.”
“We haven’t had proper fun together in ages because it’s either we’re too busy caring for my best friends baby, or a few of us were missing because of covid etc.”
“This is the first time we’ve all been together since we graduated undergrad and started our masters. We’ve been having hectic years and just wanted one carefree holiday.”
“So, Am I the a**hole for wanting our annual girls trip to actually be a girls trip?”
“Edit – I tried to hint once that I wanted my birthday a few months ago to be just us but she laughed it off and made a joke about how her and her son are attached by the hip and she couldn’t leave him. She asked if we could minimize how much alcohol there was going to be so she could bring her son.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole in the situation.
“NTA – Her having a child doesn’t mean the rest of you all have to change your lifestyle.”
“She made a choice and has to live with that choice. Or she could not act crazy and just let someone else watch her son for an evening.” º AngeloPappas
“NTA. OP stop hinting and say directly that you want to hang out with your friend as an adult and only as adults.”
“You love her son, enjoy the time, but you and she need adult time. Your friend may not respond to this well, but unless you want to only hang out with her son then this is really your only option. If you continue as you have you’ll just get the same results. Good luck!” – Acceptable_Day6086
“NTA I think you’re going to need to be very straight with her. I had children years before my friends did.”
“I was a single mom (dad wasn’t even in the picture) and rarely had childcare at night or for long periods. It sucked feeling left out but I understood.”
“I had kids and it had been my choice to have them. I’d bring my kids to some gatherings at friend’s houses or the beach/park.”
“But I never asked my friends to change their plans so I could go. It never even crossed my mind to do so.”
“But I also didn’t have guilt about being away from my twins either. I NEEDED it.”
“Luckily, my mom would take the kids for a week here and there, so I’d be able to go on group trips. Thank you, Mom!!!”
“Your best friend is being selfish. Her feeling mum guilt is her problem and maybe she should work on that.”
“She’ll HAVE to work on that if she wants to be included in every adults only girls’ night out or trip. You aren’t obligated to cater to her needs.”
“She’s obligated to meet her own needs. If that means being with her son 24/7, then that’s her choice.”
“It sounds to me like you’ve been accommodating. Too accommodating because now she feels entitled to it.”
“It’s time to take off the training wheels. Be straight, but kind, with her.”
“How she responds to it is on her.
“You never know. After missing a trip, she might change her tune. Or she might drop the friendship(s) altogether.”
“Let go of the guilt. You’re not responsible for her choices.”
“Good luck, sweetie. I hope it all turns out well. But, if not, know that you did your best by being true to yourself.” – Educational_Exit_218
“NTA- I think a couple things.”
“1, she is a new mom. At some point she may realize she needs a break and needs space from the baby, but for now, understand she may be too stressed without him.”
“2. I encourage the group of friends to plan activities as you like. She can choose to go or not.”
“I don’t think it’s fair for her to request every plan be changed to suit her, but it’s good to change some, if you all really want to spend time with her. At the same time if she really wants to spend time with you, she can also do an activity outside her current comfort zone.”
“I encourage you to explain why you didn’t invite her and extend the invite if she wants to go alone without the baby, or to go on the next girls trip without the baby.” – cowboyupgiddy
“NTA. This mother is truly doing a disservice to their child being stuck at the hip with them.”
“I sent my daughter to a month long camp starting at age 6. I went to camp as a kid and my husband did not, he had a hard time with it at first. But I truly feel my child would have divorced us so she could go to camp.”
“But let me tell you, I don’t know what hurts more, your kid being away or when you are on the phone with them and they are like uh huh, uh huh, can I go play with my friends now?”
“But when they are teenagers and people ask how can you send your child away for a month? I say with a foot print on their back and you driving off saying they are your problem now!”
“I’m joking, a little bit. Yes we miss them but it is 100% breathing room for all, especially since it is a device free month!” – LadyJ-78
“NTA for wanting to not accommodating her frankly over the top demands but YTA for 14 months of not addressing the elephant in the room. Being awkward and shocked isn’t communication.”
“You didn’t even mention the holiday to her, when she always went and you knew it would come to a head.”
“It sounds to me OP like you are very non-confrontational even when there needs to be discussion on difficult topics. This conversation should have happened a year ago.”
“Your friend is defo TA for her entitled attitude but in a way so are you for allowing a status quo to develop and then pulling the rug out from under her when she had no idea there was even a problem.” – KollantaiKollantai
“NTA. It goes both ways. You make an effort to accommodate her needs. Does she make one to accommodate yours? Granted she is a mother now so her priority is her child.”
“Did you cut her off when she was pregnant? No. Did you cut her off after the 3rd time (I assume there’s been 3 occasions from the way you describe it) she asked you to change your wants to accommodate her needs?”
“No, you accommodated her. Did you simply not invite her on the holiday? Not by the sounds of it. It sounds like you extended the invitation and she rejected it as it is.”
“Its strange that she is so concerned with what you do on your own time. If she cant make it thats not your fault. If she doesn’t want to get child care thats not your fault.”
“You’re your own person and she is hers. You each have your own life and not all social interactions must overlap. Why can’t you go to the club without her and then meet up with her in the future at a coffee shop also?”
“I’m sure you have been unable to attend certain social events because of personal circumstances. Does that mean every other person going to that event can no longer go? Of course not!”
“A conscious and repeat effort has been made on your part. You havent shown examples here of selfishness by any means. You get to have your own social life too in the way you want to have it.” – Fantastic-Sea-9903
The OP responded to the above comment with:
“It’s been a lot more than 3 occasions. Also, she doesn’t like it when us 5 go out together without her.”
“I can understand how that must make her feel but for her to ask us to not go clubbing and just go with her to a coffee shop instead every time, rubs me the wrong way.”
“I posted a picture of me on a date at a pub on Instagram and she messaged me saying ‘have you become an alcoholic for a tinder date?’.. what does that even mean?”
Friendships evolve, but unless the opposed individuals mutually make an effort to reach a compromise, these “best friends” might find themselves drifting further apart.
And that’s if the best friend was as upset as her sister was during the confrontational call.
Hopefully, the two women will come to an understanding and reach some sort of arrangement that works for both of them in the future if they want to remain in each others’ lives.