Family dynamics with in-laws can be messy.
When people tell off their own blood relatives, it’s natural.
Everybody has a breaking point.
But telling off one’s significant other’s family, that can stir up drama.
Is there really a good way to do it?
Case in point…
Redditor holidayhilll wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for calling my sister-in-law pathetic during a family dinner?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancé, Chris (24 M[ale]) is the youngest in his family with two older siblings, a brother (31 M) and a sister (29 F[eamle]).”
“I (also 24 M) have one sister who is 9 years younger than me.”
“I don’t put much stock into the whole ‘your birth order determines your entire personality’ thing, but I do think it might enhance traits we already have.”
“I’ve always naturally been a pretty quiet, even-tempered, nurturing kind of guy.”
“I think I would still be all those things regardless, having a little sister when I did just amplified them.”
“Meanwhile, Chris was very much the baby of his family.”
“He wasn’t spoiled, just taken care of in the same way my sister is.”
“I’ve known Chris’s family since we were 16.”
“I’ve never personally had any problems with them, but I did witness a few fights between him and his sister over the years.”
“The fights were always about Chris being a ‘golden child’ and either getting more privileges/attention than she did or getting similar privileges earlier in life.”
“I stayed out of it as this was between the two of them.”
“I didn’t see the point in stepping into family dynamics like that, especially since I would’ve been a minor at the time arguing with a woman in her 20s.”
“This past Thursday night, we left on a weekend trip with his family.”
“We left pretty late on Thursday, we had already been driving for a few hours, and Chris gets hot/uncomfortable pretty easily, so he wasn’t feeling too great.”
“His dad went through a drive-thru and as we were sitting in the parking lot eating, I asked if there was anything I could do to make him more comfortable.”
“He had forgotten to unbuckle his own seatbelt, so I did it for him and just told him to relax and enjoy his food.”
“His sister made some sort of comment about him getting coddled, but I took it as a joke and brushed past it.”
“Fast forward to last night, while we were out at dinner, it was uncharacteristically warm in the little restaurant we chose.”
“Chris had worn a hoodie with nothing underneath while I was wearing a t-shirt, so we went into the bathroom to switch.”
“It wasn’t a big deal until, when we sat back down, his sister said, ‘Looks like you’re still getting the golden boy treatment, huh?'”
“I’m usually not a confrontational person, but I was annoyed enough by the multiple comments.”
“I said, ‘It’s a little pathetic that you’re almost 30 and you’re still rehashing the same argument you had when Chris and I were sixteen years old.'”
“She ended up going to wait in the car while we finished our meal.”
“It’s been tense since then and while no one has brought it up, I’m not sure if I overstepped.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“Was something stopping Chris from unbuckling his own seatbelt?”
“Does he not know to wear a t-shirt under a hoodie?”
“It does sound like he’s kind of a golden boy who gets things done for him that he’s perfectly capable of doing on his own. YTA.” ~ GirlDad2023_
“YTA – You overstepped.”
“I also think you may have recognized the truth in what she said and got defensive.”
“You may have known their family for years but you weren’t in her family or experiencing life as a female child in that family.”
“You don’t get to invalidate her feelings or perspective.”
“It’s quite common for parents to be harder on/more protective of girls than boys.”
“You don’t just grow out of that truth when it happens to you.”
“Plus, it does sound like Chris is being coddled… by you now.” ~ Remarkable_Buyer4625
“I’m getting such weird vibes from the way this story is told, something seems off here so I am leaning with YTA.” ~ Bagelstein
“Whoa. YTA. You should leave siblings squabbles to the siblings.” ~ WaywardPrincess1025
“YTA. You said yourself that you don’t know anything about the dynamics of this family.”
“Plus you’re literally treating your boyfriend Luke a 5-year-old child.” ~ Demian_Avenue
“YTA. In the two examples you provided, she had every right to bust his chops.”
“You don’t need someone else to unbuckle you at 24 and if you’re dumb enough to wear a hoodie without anything underneath on a hot day, then it’s your own fault and you deal with it.”
“I think you’ve crossed the line from nurturing to infantilizing your partner.” ~ ElHijoDelCoco
“If Chris knows he gets hot, why isn’t he layering?”
“You obviously love him, but from an outside perspective, he does seem a bit coddled (from the 2 examples you gave).”
“ESH. You for calling her out publicly, her for making the comment.” ~ Beck2010
“It’s his SO she’s talking to, not his parents.”
“Sometimes getting babied by your SO is one of the big benefits of having an SO at all.”
“Whatever sister’s annoyances with her brother, it’s f**king weird to lay that all out on his boyfriend. NTA.” ~ favorthebold
“Exactly. There’s nothing wrong with getting coddled in a relationship if your partner enjoys coddling you.”
“Some couples enjoy that kind of dynamic and as an outsider even if you find it cringe, you don’t get a say over it.”
“It’s between the couple.”
“This is different from being coddled by your parents because that directly affects the sibling.” ~GreedyBread3860
“Plus there can at times be outside factors.”
“Seated near a heating duct or window the sun is beating down on. In direct line with a door that opens to outside letting in cold air.”
“Also foods and certain seasonings can raise body temperatures, as well as lower them.”
“Not to mention metabolic issues like diabetes, low blood pressure, and things of that nature that can’t always be planned for.”
“OP said that the restaurant was warm.”
“And Chris sounds like he might have an issue with heat which can contribute to car sickness.”
“All in all someone saying it’s the person’s fault for not dressing appropriately is speaking from a place of privilege not understanding that not everyone’s body and metabolism is the same and adjusts to climate variations as well as others. 🙄”
“NTA -Sister is a bit too comfortable harping on the same notes and needs to learn some new songs.” ~ False-Importance-741
“I was thinking the same thing.”
“Sometimes I leave my house for the day thinking I know exactly what I am going to be doing and where I am going to be going.”
“Every once in a while I will go somewhere that they keep the heat super hot.”
“I wasn’t expecting it and I am baking.”
“To actually make a whole thread about how the guy should have worn something different is ridiculous to me.”
“You can try to anticipate for everything but sometimes it is just beyond your control.”
“Who really cares if his SO gave him his shirt? It was his choice.”
“To act like the guy purposefully did something wrong is just stupid to me.”
“I totally agree with you.” ~ iamrecovering2
“Why does it matter if his boyfriend coddles him?”
“I can understand a child being bitter because their sibling gets more attention from their parents, but an adult being bitter about their sibling being coddled by their SO makes no sense.”
“Chris’s sister isn’t competing with Chris for OP’s attention, so why should she care?”
“She was a b*tch for making the comment, and OP was justified to call her out.”
“Normal people are happy for their siblings when they are in a loving relationship, not bitter and making miserable comments about it.”
“Sister needs to get a life.” ~ Thundahcaxzd
“YTA to yourself. You’re now a parent to Chris lol.”
“His sister is right- he is being babied and it’s a little weird.” ~ MandeeLess
“YTA, you had to unbuckle his car seat and help him dress.”
“Sister is right on this one.”
“If not a golden child, then possibly a shiny yellow-metal baby.” ~ Effective-Lab-8816
“You unbuckled his seatbelt, lol.”
“Just don’t be made when you’re older and he doesn’t do anything for himself, or you, enjoy the adult-baby you all created, lol.” ~ Read-It-Mike
“YTA. Her comments were about her brother being coddled… not about you.”
“If it was his mom coddling him, would you have reacted the same way?”
“You took it to a more personal level.”
“Sure she’s an a**hole too but you could’ve gone about it on a higher level than her instead of stooping to her level, especially with a future family member.”
“Now you’re just laying a foundation of bitterness between you and her.” ~ not_fun_at_parties_
“YTA. Siblings have longer relationships than any other family member.”
“Let them deal with it unless it affects children.” ~ rockypecheur
OP came back to chat…
“The two examples I gave are not regular occurrences.”
“As I said in a comment, to me these are just instances of me being considerate of my S[ignificant] O[ther].”
“Acts of service are big for me when it comes to expressing my love.”
“He does the same for me (as we all should be doing for our partners).”
Well, OP, most of Reddit has taken issue with your behavior.
Though no one seems to be a fan of your SIL either.
There are better ways to communicate frustration.
And maybe you should talk with your fiancé about the best way for him to handle his family.
Good luck.