Everybody is a comedian until they’re not.
And what some people think is appropriate party chatter can leave much to be desired.
These days that old adage of “Know your audience” has never been more prevalent.
A few testy back and forths, no matter how well intended, can really bring down the mood.
Case in point…
Redditor Aging_gay_man wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for answering a rude question with a rude question?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a happily married gay man and, yesterday I and my husband were at a friend’s house celebrating their birthday.”
“At the end of the party a small group of people were sitting around the fire talking sh*t when a woman, who I don’t know (friend of a friend type of thing) asked me and my husband straight to our faces, ‘So do you like being f**ked up the a** or is it your husband?'”
“And before you all ask, no, she wasn’t drunk. She was the designated driver. I replied, ‘Do you like to f**k on all fours or on you’re back?'”
“She got mad and stormed off, calling me a pr*ck.”
“At the time everyone there laughed (most were drunk) but the woman was my friend’s girlfriend’s relative of something and, now he and his girlfriend are getting some backlash.”
“He’s mad at me now because even though what she said was offensive, I didn’t need to stoop to her level.”
“I’m starting to feel bad about it. The last thing I wanted was to cause trouble for my friend.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. She set the tone for the conversation, and you followed her lead.”
“She couldn’t possibly expect a serious response to her offensive question.”
“Kudos to you for your quick response that put everyone at ease.” ~ Thingsdatmakeugohm
“OP Asked her essentially the same question why is it wrong for him but not her? Wow!”
“The audacity of that woman and those people reacting need to be reminded of the fact that OP just reframed the question for her sexual identity.” ~ mortgage_gurl
“All they can think about is the sex, and they see sex in an outdated, binary way.”
“Men are dominant, and women are submissive.”
“Their brains short circuit when it’s two people with the same parts because they assume one has to be dominant over the other.”
“This is often the case, but non-cis-het are typically much freer to switch.”
“But they feel the need to have someone they can address as the dominant/masculine person in the duo because of how subconsciously need to give a certain amount of respect to the person filling the more traditional role for their gender.” ~ Cosmic_Quasar
“Partly because they can’t comprehend that homosexual also means homoromantic.”
“They fixate on the ‘sexual’ part of the descriptor in a way they don’t heterosexual.”
“In large part, because they never think ‘heterosexual,’ they think ‘normal’ or ‘straight.'”
“It never occurs to them that being gay means feeling the same feelings of romantic love for their partners that straight people feel for their own.”
“As for ‘top and bottom,’ I blame that entirely on the fetishization of gay and bi relationships by straight people in niche online communities spilling over into the public via social media.” ~ Beneficial-Yak-3993
“As an asexual, people question me a lot on my experiences.”
“I’ve had coworkers learn from others about my asexuality and straight up come over and ask if I masturbate or if I’ve had sex before.”
“Some people even feel it’s acceptable to ask if I became asexual after being sexually assaulted or if I just had a traumatic break-up and swore off men.”
“If you’re anything other than the norm, people find it okay to ask you offensive sh*t like you aren’t entitled to privacy or like you don’t have feelings, too.” ~ OverlyCheerfulNPC
“A coworker of mine was once talking about a celebrity gay couple and speculated on which one was ‘the wife’ (referring to their roles in their marriage, not their sex lives, I think – she’s not usually the type that would talk about that at work).”
“My boss and I just looked at each other, and then I told her, ‘Actually, they’re both ‘the husband.'”
“That’s kind of the point!”
“She just looked shocked for a while, as if that thought had literally never crossed her mind before.”
“Like, I don’t think she’s anti-marriage equality, but it shook her entire worldview that a marriage between two men wouldn’t follow traditional gender roles, with one guy taking on what she sees as the wife’s role automatically (completely ignoring that a lot of hetero marriages don’t follow those roles, either).”
“Heteronormativity is a hell of a drug.”
“Add that to the weird ideas a lot of people have about gay men’s sex lives, and they lose all sense of restraint and common decency about what you’re allowed to ask a stranger.” ~ Ok-Rabbit1878
“She herself ruined it by storming off and calling him a prick.”
“If she just chuckled and responded with a similarly sarcastic response, the conversation likely would’ve ended there.”
“She gave it out but couldn’t take it in return.”
“She likely wouldn’t have gotten any backlash for what she said if she laughed it off since it would’ve given the impression she wasn’t asking seriously and that the conversation was humorous.”
“To begin with, her calling him a prick for not answering it seriously made it clear she was asking seriously.” ~ mj561256
“NTA. You just turned the tables on her and showed exactly how inappropriate she was being.”
“Also, what you did was not the same as what she did.”
“She was not just asking an inappropriate question about your sex life. She was actually trying to bully you for being gay in front of others.”
“Your friend should be apologizing to you, not mad at you.” ~ Kindly_Egg_7480
“Exactly. Because sadly, I don’t think he could ever effectively bully her for being straight the same way people could bully you for being gay.”
“I mean, I don’t think a straight person could ever be as bullied or insulted for being straight as a gay person could be.”
“So his turnabout was very fair play there.” ~ NSFWies
“Oh my God, what a weird and rude woman.”
“Your answer was very appropriate.”
“In my opinion, I probably would never say anything like this myself.”
“I know that some people are open to talking about things like this, but not all of them, and not everyone is comfortable talking about stuff like this.”
“And I definitely think that most people don’t like being asked such things. You are definitely not in the wrong here.” ~ Ace-2_Of_Spades
“NTA and fellow LGBT+ person here.”
“People of a certain… belief…. often feel entitled to ask questions and know about our genitals, our sex life, our sexual preference, the details of how we have sex and all manner of intrusive things.”
“Things they wouldn’t dream of asking a cishet presenting person they don’t know in a million f**king years.”
“These people absolutely deserve the shame of turning it around on them.”
“Perhaps she will think twice before asking such reprehensible questions of a stranger again, just because they happen to be LGBT.” ~ LemonDeathRay
“Well said – from a bit of an old cis female bat (old git, and from the U.K., so some terms may be slightly different).”
“And I’m not entirely sure I know the correct terms for everyone/but willing to listen and learn).”
“Two of my best friends are a married male couple – I would never ever dream of asking them about their sex life. Ever.”
“It’s so very wrong on so many levels to ask such things.”
“Of anyone – but especially what was asked of OP.”
“That’s just vile. And OP is completely NTA.” ~ fibrofatigued
“NTA. Sometimes, it’s appropriate to give back the same energy that we receive.”
“This is one of those times.”
“I don’t understand why she thought that was an acceptable question to ask you, a stranger to her.”
“No need to feel bad about this.”
“This lady’s behavior was out of order.” ~ HammerOn57
“NTA!! A dose of her own medicine to show her how incredibly rude and vulgar she was being is EXACTLY what she needed.”
“Clearly no one has ever called her out on behavior like that before.”
“This is a lesson she won’t soon forget… and that’s a good thing for certain.”
“Your quip back was perfect. Spot on. And deserved.”
“And definitely something I would have said… BRAVO.”
“Side note: this is part of the problem in general with homophobes.”
“They don’t see Love when they see a gay couple.”
“They see ‘how does sex work?'”
“But it’s no one’s business… not in ANY relationship they’re not involved in.”
“If people just saw LOVE, they would be far less likely to hate blindly.” ~ SwtIndica
“NTA and fantastic comeback Sir.” ~ RAnA**hole
Well, OP, sounds like Reddit is with you.
She dished. You served a killer come back without missing a beat.
And it seems your serving may have been too hot for her to handle.
When questioning strangers, one should always come prepared.
Don’t be too worried.