When you marry someone they say you also marry their family, but what about their friends?
Is there an obligation to try to make nice with your significant other’s friends? As a friend, should you be gracious to your friend’s significant other?
What if they’re not a good person? Should you keep quiet and support the relationship?
A man who can’t stand his best friend’s soon-to-be husband was wondering what he should do as the wedding day approaches. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Zandy- asked:
“AITA for not wanting to go to my friends wedding, even though she’s marrying a homophobe?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My (24, male) best friend (24, female) is getting married in a month to a major homophobe, and she invited me to the wedding, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable attending. (I’m gay)”
“So, for a little background, me and my best friend met when we were in 4th grade and have been inseparable since. We have had so many classes together, done so many things together, and have been there for each other through everything.”
“Her grandmother passing, my parents separating, I mean, she’s my rock. Every time we were going through a rough patch in our own lives, we would always be an open ear to the other and knew how to make the other feel better.”
“My bff, who we will call Katie now (fake name, obv) has always been the kinda person to ask for advice and then end up doing what she wants anyway. Whenever she met this guy, her now fiancé, she would ask me what I thought.”
“I guess the ‘best friend test’. I wouldn’t say I’m a judgemental person, but I pick up on vibes. and this guy gave me major homophobe vibes.”
“I picked it up from the first time I met him. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because Katie normally had a good judge of character, and he made her happy.”
“I’m not very feminine, so he never liked me because he always thought I was after his woman. He never believed it when either of us said I didn’t swing that way.”
“As time went on, I guess he wasn’t as worried about me and got more comfortable, and he said some out-of-pocket things.”
“Subtle gay jokes here and there at first, then blatant remarks about how two men shouldn’t be together, how the Bible says ‘Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve’, how two guys can’t properly raise kids.”
“And honestly, every rebuttal to gay marriage under the sun. Katie didn’t seem to acknowledge any of these remarks, despite me bringing them to her attention.”
“So here’s the situation. Katie is getting married next month, and I’m supposed to be the man of honor.”
“But I fell like I would be doing a disservice to myself if I attended, seeing as she’s marrying someone who doesn’t support my existence, and I’m not sure what his thoughts on me even being there even are.”
“I honestly don’t want to be there, and I hope this wedding falls through. I haven’t expressed these emotions to her yet, as I don’t want to ruin it for her.”
“I’m afraid if I do, it would push her away. But I’m also afraid if I don’t and go through with it, I would lose my best friend anyway.”
“So, Reddit, AITA? Should I cut my losses?”
“I’m at a loss right now…”
The OP added:
“I haven’t done anything yet. I was kinda asking for advice.”
“I think I’m the a**hole because I wouldn’t be attending my best friend’s wedding, even though I’m the man of honor.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Absolutely skip the wedding. Sorry, Katie, you don’t get to have a gay best friend AND marry someone who thinks gay people don’t deserve rights and basic human decency.”
“‘Katie didn’t seem to acknowledge any of these remarks, despite me bringing them to her attention’ <– this is giving me the sense that everyone here is too passive.”
“Ask her flat out: ‘Are you OK with the homophobic things he says or not?’.”
“If she claims she’s not, ‘Then why are you marrying someone like that?’.”
“No more dancing around it—make her admit it out loud. She’ll either realize her mistake, or she’ll lose a friend, but that’s on her.” ~ carmensandiego77
“NTA OP and honestly you deserve better than a friend who would marry someone like that. She either agrees, or it wasn’t a dealbreaker.”
“Either way, you don’t need that in your life.” ~ GamerGirlLex77
“NTA, Your friend knows, and maybe she is blinded by love (and I use the term loosely) to ignore it, you cannot for the simple reason that he is against your very existence.”
“Ditch the friend and save yourself a lot of hurt later on.” ~ abstractengineer2000
“Yup! It’s like the saying, if a Nazi is at the dinner table and 11 people sit down with them, then there are 12 Nazis at the table.”
“You are her best friend, yet she’s marrying a homophobe who makes bigoted comments to you/about you? That’s the kind of friend you would be better off without. NTA.” ~ JenniferIs5x5
A few felt the OP was wrong for ever agreeing to be in the wedding.
“NTA – for not wanting to go. Perfectly understandable, reasonable and, for you, the right choice. Noone should hold that against you. But…”
“YTA – for leaving it this late to decide that.”
“You are sabotaging their wedding at a late stage. He hasn’t suddenly become a homophobe.”
“You knew all along and you, at some point, agreed to be apart of that wedding knowing who he is, knowing what he is like. You could have nope’d out straight away but seemed to have grown a moral compass now?”
“Pulling out at this stage makes you an a**hole.”
“She sucks for having terrible taste in partners as well, but that’s a whole other thing and maybe something you need to reconcile your friendship over.” ~ Arefue
“YTA. You can’t lose your best friend when you’re not her best friend.”
“You’re wishing her marriage falls through, hoping she picks her friendship with you over her upcoming marriage. That’s not what a good friend would do, let alone a best friend.”
“It’s better to accept that both of you have different values and end the friendship.” ~ Cats-in-the-rain
The OP clarified:
“Respectfully, I don’t think it’s last minute. She still has a whole 40 days to figure it out.”
And an overwhelming majority voted NTA.
“NTA. Honestly, skipping her wedding isn’t what will drive her away. It’s the fact that she’s marrying someone who doesn’t accept your existence.”
“I’m so sorry OP, your friendship is on its way out whether you attend or not.” ~ UnhappyGrowth5555
“What does she think will happen if their kids are gay? Or choose atheism? Or anything else this guy doesn’t approve of?”
“There was a post not too long ago about a girl asking if she was the AH for dumping her fiance when he said he wouldn’t be an involved parent to any gay kids (but he’d tolerate them for her).”
“Is Katie prepared for that?” ~ Notte_di_nerezza
“NTA, as for your friend who you’ve known since you were literal kids, I’m quite disgusted she would go for someone with morals that would actively hurt and be bigoted towards those close to her.”
“Don’t put yourself where you’re not comfortable. Her fiancé has dug this hole. If he gives two sh*ts he can try to dig his way out.” ~ Higher_score
“NTA, but you shouldn’t be friends with someone who would be with someone like that.”
“Even if you weren’t gay…..he’s deplorable, and she is as well by association and tacit approval.”
“You should no longer have anything to do with either of them.” ~ NotNormallyHere
“NO, NTA. I told my gay friends I would absolutely not get married in a church because I found that it was disrespectful to them (they didn’t care, but it was absolutely important to have both of them attend), which is likely one of the reasons why my ex and I broke it off.”
“I can tell you my current partner loves my friends (gay couple), and we enjoy being with them. He has never ever made comments like that.”
“Your friend should stick up for you, and you should expect her future partner to accept it and move along.”
“You’ll learn that friends even grow apart, and it’s okay.” ~ LivingDiscipline1166
“NTA, but first, I’m sorry, but you’re losing your best friend.”
“If you bail on the wedding, she will hate you and blame you for everything.”
“I actually advise you to go through with it, be the man of honor, and then pull back and spend less time with Katie, more time with others.”
“That way you’re not burning the bridge with Katie, and if she wakes up and gets divorced, you can potentially be close friends again.” ~ NapalmAxolotl
“No, why should OP stand up and put on a suit and smile and pretend to be happy about his friend shackling herself for life with someone who hates people like him, thinks they’re all damned to Hell, etc…?”
“Katie already knows this about her ffiancé, and she’s going to marry him anyway.”
“SHE is the one who killed the friendship with OP by doing this. OP does not owe her a rescue from her regrets in the future.” ~ Beruthiel999
While the OP probably shouldn’t have accepted a role in a wedding he couldn’t support, it appears he was focused on supporting his friend instead of his own comfort.
Can he really be blamed for deciding to protect himself by bowing out?